[Read only if you like Drama or you're sick of the elections news/blogs and is fucking bored]

25 December 2006 – 31 October 2009
The Story of My Past.
September 2007, The Ex – Matthew, convinced me to buy a vehicle with my company’s name.
He told me, this is best, because I can have tax relief from the vehicle’s expenses,
and there was nothing I have to worry about, if anything happens to us, just sell the vehicle.
Besides, it’s in my name, so I’ll even have a tidy sum to keep. (NO, IT IS NOT TRUE)
Using the profits from an event I helped him put together to kick start his career,
without keeping even a cent for myself for all the hard work – I paid the downpayment.

When we broke up, I wanted to cut off all ties with him.
I got the details of the vehicle checked out and got a rude shock & awakening.
I was told the Loan amount was more than what the vehicle was worth,
and I would need to pay $15K to sell the vehicle now.
At the same time, Matthew was mad that he had spent money modifying and fixing,
and after all that, I was gonna waste all his money and efforts put into the vehicle.
Stuck in a lose-all situation, I grit and bear, and relented getting rid of the vehicle.
Daddy actually told me to cut off all ties, and he’ll pay it off for me but I declined.
Matthew & I then made a decision for him to carry-on instalment and using it,
on the condition that after he completed paying for the vehicle, the vehicle would be his,
and we would do a name transfer to him and I would not be entitled to anything. DEAL!

1 Nov 2009 – 24 April 2011
We NEVER spoke or contacted, except for the times I email to inform of fine/road tax etc.

25 April 2011
He dropped me an email.

All is paid, all is good.
Heard some shit happened. I know you already have your army.
But if you ever need extra hands or someone to kickass… Call!

Jan, you are, you were and always will be the best partner.
I thank you till this day for what you have done to and for me.
You Also deserve the best in everything you do and life. God bless!

Happy belated Easter… yep, my timing always screwed up.
Heads up, you deserve the best! Hope you find happiness soon.
Please take care!

Heard of the saying — “无事不登三宝殿” ?
I ignored that inappropriate email – He’s dating his ‘sister’ isn’t it.

28 April 2011
He called me with an unknown number, while I was in the middle of work.
I told him I’m busy and ask what is it regarding.
He didn’t want to say and said he’ll call back later. Crap.

He called later, with this opening line, ‘It was Easter, I hope for your forgiveness’,
Ok. Pulled the ‘GOD’ card. Skeptical as I was of him, I gave him the benefit of doubt,
maybe he remembered his promise to God, and decided to turn over a new leaf.

He thanked me for all that I had done for him, told me I was the best partner he ever had.
So I asked how inappropriate it is that I am ‘the best’ when he is dating someone else.
He say they broke up a few months ago. I asked why. He said incompatibiltiy. I laughed.
He told me compatibility goes beyond liking the same stuff (The Hard Life, Tattoo, Rock!)
It was a mistake, that life & freedom he had thought he wanted was well, Not what he wants,
that he had dropped all the things I had wanted him to, and is at where I wanted him to be.
I told him the irony was, I had moved on to someone I enjoyed being with on so many levels,
and realised I would Never date somebody who does not enjoy & want the same life as I do.
As he showered me with edifying compliments, I steered away saying I’ve moved on,
as he went on to say more, I explicitly told him nope, we don’t want the same things in life.

1 May 2011
His ‘girlfriend’ or I don’t know what she is now, since he say they broke up months back,
texted me saying that something’s been on her mind the past few days, and so…
She says she knows that Matthew had called me, and because he’s not gonna be honest,
she decided to hear it from me instead and hope that I’ll be straight with her.

At that moment, the first thing that crossed my head was: What a Bastard! you Poor girl!
And because I was too lazy to explain anything, I simply replied, ‘Hey babe, Leave him.’

BIG MISTAKE! She jumped into the defensive and immediately shot off a few texts,
‘Why should I leave him? There is No reason for me to!’
(Yes, There is, Stupid. When you found yourself asking ME instead of your BF for TRUTH…)
‘Are you asking me to leave him so you both can get back together?’
(Holy Shit! I don’t collect garbage. If you fancy being Karung Guni, O Please, Go Ahead.)
Of course I didn’t say that lah. Neither did I tell her what we talked about.
I just said he had called to ask for my forgiveness and said some inappropriate stuff,
but I explicitly told him I’ve moved on and that she can rest assure we’ll Never get back.

So then, when she was sure I really wanted nothing out of him,
she said their relationship had been rocky, that day he called me, was right after they quarrelled.
She told me I was lucky I moved on then, because after that, more shit arose…
And then she poured out all her problems to me and I felt so so sad & angry for her.

3 May 2011
I just stepped into the Spa for an afternoon R&R time to ease out my neckaches.
She called me. He called me. She texted me. He texted me. He called me. She texted me.
So he found out that she contacted me because I ranted on my Facebook abt it,
and apparently our mutual friends saw it and told/confronted him.
Annoyed that I suddenly got dragged into their problem for no reason, I replied,

Look. Keep me out of your domestic probs. Deal with it between yourselves.
I want nothing to do with you, Matthew Lim!

CHECK OUT HIS REPLY TO THAT!!!

Forgot you do not walk the right path. That is why god makes you suffer …
You are really sick, you need to spend another 2k.
You were not the best partner so don’t flatter yourself.
You are like that because you cannot take Rejection.

Er… Ok. AND on the Other side, his girlfriend was texting me too… (What’sapp History)

Teresa tay: He’s not happy I contacted you without asking him first…
Janise.T: Why he contact me without asking u first! Asshole
Janise.T: Don’t stupidly feel like u r in e wrong/guilty. He’s good at making u feel like it’s ur fault
Janise.T: DON’T LET HIM!
Teresa tay: He IS good at blaming and making others feel guilty. Guilty as charged.
Janise.T: Hey. He’s making me very very angry now.
Teresa tay: What is he doing? Just let him say what he needs to say. He wants to vent.
Janise.T: Sorry lor. This guy needs a leash. Yet you… Let him go loose and attack u even
Teresa tay: Don’t you know he has a temper? And he says and does the meanest things…
[remove some very personal stuff she shared]
Janise.T: You lady.
Janise.T: You gotta learn ultimatums
Janise.T: And self love and respect k
Teresa tay: It’s unconditional.
Teresa tay: My downfall.
Janise.T: You deserve more than a person who treats u like that!
Janise.T: He has a habit of making his current jealous with an ex.
Janise.T: I’m not abt to let him make use of me as a tool to make u feel like shit
Teresa tay: Well he is.
Janise.T: sigh. ok
Janise.T: U are too non confrontational & he make use of ur weakness & ur love for him
Janise.T: U guys are either not gonna work out or u’re gonna suffer in his hands
Janise.T: Don’t know what u see in long term pain when you can grit&bear with short term cut
Teresa tay: You made a past issue current when you posted it on your FB. Sorry to say.
Janise.T: OMG. Wash my hands off u guys. Knew it was trouble when he contacted me.
Janise.T: Unlike u I am a vocal person who don’t keep things to myself
Janise.T: By taking in and keeping quiet u might think u are being the bigger person.
Janise.T: But the one suffering wld be you yourself And believe it or not.
Janise.T: He told me that’s what he doesn’t like abt u. Keeping things to urself,
Janise.T: coz he’s used to me being open and upfront abt everything
Janise.T: If u don’t learn to step up for urself and want to be silently suffering. Suit urself.
Janise.T: But God bless you babe.
Janise.T: This is not an easy route or anyone’s version of an ideal life
Janise.T: So u stand alone and alone is an awful place to be
Janise.T: Bye.

5 May 2011
He text at night to say he left the vehicle with the hirer and he can’t help me with it anymore.
Apparently he had not paid the vehicle’s instalment for 3 mths & the vehicle got repossessed.
WAIT A MINUTE. Wasn’t his opening line ‘All is Paid. All is Good’ on the 25th April 2011 email?

Angry, I replied, ‘You helped me? You CHEATED me into getting you the vehicle!’

6 May 2011
I called the hirer to find out status of the vehicle. The person-in-charge of it was shocked.
Someone had claimed to be me and came down to pick up everything from the vehicle.

Well… no points for guessing who he got to do it.

Anyway, I was told Loan amount is more than what the vehicle was worth,
and I would need to pay $5K to sell the vehicle now. So I texted him,

You have too at least pay me 1.8k for the 3 mths you drove it,
the towing and storage fees, so that I can redeem it out ant try to sell it.
If you’ve got conscience, the full settlement amount is 5K.

and his reply?

I want nothing more to do with it or you anymore.
You post nasty stuff about me, then let it be…
Your words and actions led to this.

And that was it.

Oh no. That was NOT it.

Teresa texted me today. A short & sweet succint message,

The timing of them repo-ing the van is almost perfect.

- – - – -

Sorry. But, WHAT hit me?
Oh. The 5K Debt.

But, What did I do wrong?

P.s You both want to know what each other talk to me about right?
HERE! You have it! Now, Get Out of My Life & Go Live Happily Ever After.

As a girl who understood betting terms like exacta and trifecta before I knew how to ride a bike, I still get butterflies at the beginning of Triple Crown season. Growing up in the tri-state area, I never experienced the haute horse couture of the Kentucky Derby firsthand; instead, I cut my gambling teeth at that final, ever-elusive jewel in the Crown, the Belmont Stakes, held at Belmont Park in Long Island, NY. For the uninitiated, the Stakes isn't the same kind of fancy hat/Mint Julep affair as the Derby -- it's more of a denim/Bud Lite on tap kind of hang -- and honestly, I wouldn't have it any other way.

Still, it would be poor form to toast this year's Derby winner with anything but a Kentucky-fried cocktail, and it turns out there are several appropriately southern libations besides the traditional julep to choose from. So put on your big 'ole bonnet and start drinking (warning: That hat's gonna be a little lopsided after a couple of these concoctions).

The Scarlett O'Hara from eHow

Easy enough for the most mediocre of mixologists, all you need for this one is ice, two ounces of Southern Comfort, one ounce of cranberry juice and half an ounce of lime juice. Shake, strain, and done! As God is your witness, you'll never go thirsty again!

Swamp Juice from Liqueur-Drink-Recipes

Some Swamp Juice recipes call for straight-up grain alcohol. Assuming you want to avoid passing out before the ponies cross the finish line, try using two ounces of orange juice, two ounces of pineapple juice, one ounce of vodka, one ounce of blue curacao and one ounce of triple sec. Mmmm, green.

Trailer Trash from Bar None Drinks

Sweet and easy, just like a ... never mind. Half an ounce of SoCo, half an ounce of peach schnapps, and one ounce of 7-Up'll do ya! Serve with a lemon wedge if you're feeling classy.

The Rebel Yell from Drinks Mixer

More, more more! Throw two ounces of bourbon, half an ounce of triple sec, one ounce of lemon juice and an egg white into a shaker with some ice, toss till frothy, strain and serve.

Witchy Woman from Imbibe

Nothing julep-y about this girl besides the mint sprig garnish. Mix one and-a-half ounces of Campari, one ounce of white rum, one ounce of orange juice, half an ounce of lime juice and a dash of bitters and pour over a tall glass of crushed ice. Top with mint and an orange slice.

What will you be toasting the winning horse with?

Image via ambernambrose/Flickr

I’d like to thank the readership this week for submitting almost no emails whatsoever, as I was really tired and unable to write about anything too heavy after the last couple weeks, which were all traumatic and filled with rape and murder. So consider this a a nice little back-off week — like an easy yoga class after a bunch of punishing workouts. Hey! Speaking of yoga…

Happy Sinko Day My-Oh Masters of the Wizard Sleeve,
Sex, sort of: I just recently took up yoga and was wondering the etiquette of hitting on gals there, if there is any. I am well aware of your stance on hitting on girls at the gym, but was wondering if it was any different within the confines of the yoga studio. I feel as though the combination of the ratio of (hot) chicks to dudes (19:1, I did count) plus the somewhat and curiously endearing factor of me being absolutely clueless of what I am doing would equal an absolute mistake on my part if I did not take advantage. Is the yoga studio a safe, non-threatening haven for chicks, or is there an appropriate and tasteful way I could ask a lady out after class?

I used to take bikram yoga (aka “hot yoga”) — mostly because it was the only yoga that really felt like an ass-kicking workout, but partly because people wore the bare minimum of clothing, and there were always a couple girls with unbelievable bodies. I mean absolutely SICK bodies: willowy limbs, flat stomachs, awesome round asses. Then they got all sweaty and pulled their legs over their heads, and, well… it was distracting. It’s like a pleasure cruise for your eyes, except you’re supposed to be looking at yourself while you balance on one leg. Not easy.

Anyway, I think you can ask a fellow yogi out, but you need to establish yourself as a regular first. You have to appear to be a guy who’s there to take yoga, not a guy who’s at yoga to pick up girls. Once you get in the habit of engaging in bullshit yoga small talk (“Hey, great class!” “Your standing bow is awesome!”), you can branch out into slightly more meaningful conversation, then eventually drop the ol’ “Hey, I’ve got to go [volunteer at a veterans hospital / meet friends at an underground jazz festival / feed my cats and watch "Grey's Anatomy" by myself], but maybe we can get a drink some time and talk some more?” But make sure you choose your hot yoga girl wisely. It’s not going to be easy to ask out various girls from the studio without becoming the creepy guy everyone wants to avoid.

ADDENDUM: I’ve said repeatedly in the past that men should never try to pick up women at the gym. I think a yoga studio’s vibe is sufficiently different to allow fraternizing: not only is it “safer” because of the largely female clientele, but it’s also a group activity versus a collection of people with headphones doing individual workouts.

Football: This is a two headed question about the same person; C) Is Jacquizz the best first name in football? and %) I am definitely going to be drafting Mr. Rodgers. Is it safe to assume he will be around for my last pick, or will the 66 inch backup to Michael Turner warrant a higher draft spot?
Namaste,
Franklin Bluth

Jacquizz may very well be the best first name in the NFL, but until he becomes a fantasy stud and gets himself a Super Bowl MVP, “Mr. Rodgers” can only be Aaron. Oh, and if the other owners in your league are even remotely savvy, there’s almost no chance of you seeing Jacquizz in the final round. People draft handcuffs to top running backs well before that.

**********

Dear KSK,
FF: I’m the commissioner of a ten-team league and six of the ten teams teams have continually been a league together since eighth grade (we’re all graduating college in a couple weeks) and the other teams are some of my college buddies. Because we’re all about to be spread out all over the place, and because it’s an absolute hassle to get twenty bucks from anyone, I suggested that we do away with dues. Some people complained saying that it wouldn’t be as competitive anymore, but I argued that because we’ve all been in a league together for so long and because it’s a keeper league we’d all still care. What do you think?

PayPal.

Sex: I usually tend to break off relationships before a serious emotional commitment becomes necessary but over the past five/six months I’ve fallen for this really amazing girl who I met completely incidentally (and who goes to another school). It makes absolutely no sense for me to get involved with her: she’s a junior, and although I’m gonna be living in the city that’s her hometown (and will probably be after she graduates), a lot is going to happen in the next year: I’m going to be going abroad a bit for job training, she’s going abroad for her first semester of senior year, I’m graduating now, followed in a year by her graduation…among a million other things. It’s stupid. We’ve had a “talk” and decided on a “we won’t jump into anything now and will see in the future” approach and I’m sure I’ll see her a decent amount over the summer…but I can’t help but feel shitty about the situation. I don’t know whether it’s an “obstacle is the key to desire” type deal where because I know I can’t be with her I kind of pump up the idea of being in a relationship in my head or whether it’s actually the fact she’s the first really special girl I’ve met since my last serious girlfriend. Could be both. And obviously both of us are gonna change a lot in a year — it’s dumb to just expect everything to be the same. I’ve talked to a bunch of friends about it and they all said the same thing — “don’t sweat it if it’s meant to be it’ll happen.” Anyways, I can’t help but just feel remiss about the situation and was hoping for some advice on how to handle not being able to be with the girl I like for reasons out of my control.
-Steve

Well, I think you’ve done an excellent job of staying grounded and being realistic. Sometimes things just suck, and your best course of action is to wait and see what happens.

**********

Dear KSK,
I can keep 3 of these 5, Vick, Foster, R. White, G. Jennings, M. Turner. And yes, I won my league last year.

Vick, Foster, and White. Nothing resembling a hesitation on that one.

Sexy time, I started sleeping with a now ex-coworker when we stayed late at work one night, grabbed food/drinks before going back and working a few hours (my boss was there, best boss ever) then she claimed she was to drunk to drive home. I had a poker game at my place, so I said come back, hang out, go home whenever. When I asked if she wanted anything else to drink she said “If I have anymore to drink, you’ll have to drive me home and stay there.” So taking the hint, I got her more and even though she had one over the course of 5 hours, drove her home and good times rolled.

Told her I was just looking to have fun, not a serious relationship, love is not in my near future after being single from a 6 year relationship for about 3 months at the time, so of course she says she’s falling in love within the first month. Crazy bells went off and I kept sleeping with her due to the green light for anything involving 2 people in the bedroom being welcomed by her, but the relationship was going nowhere. 6 months in, she brings up the love thing again, asks where it’s going, I say nowhere and haven’t ever lied to her or led her to believe it was going anywhere, so she splits with me.

2 weeks later she goes through some shit with one of her kids, she’s 36 with 3 kids I’m 28 with 0 but I work with them, and we talk after work, I go spend the night without trying to get any, but after not falling asleep for about 2 hours she rolls on top of me and put herself to bed so to speak. That was February, and I slept with her again for 2 months until she brought up the kids at which point I said it’s not going anywhere, you need more and I don’t want the kids involved, we should end this. Range of emotions comes out from anger, to crying, to understanding, to trying to get me to sleep with her at the end of the night. I decline, then get a message later that I should come over 2 days later for “closure” meaning sexy time. I decline that also, few days go by, another attempt to get me to go over, not happening. It’s to the point where she’s openly telling me what she wants/”needs” me to do to her and it’s pretty graphic and I haven’t gotten any in 3 weeks now so at some point my resolve will weaken. Am I looking a gift horse in the mouth? I’m well aware she was in love with me, which after 3 weeks I’m sure those feelings are still there, but she’s basically telling me to come use her body and I can’t help but think she’s asking for emotional abuse too. Am I wrong? Please tell me I’m wrong and to go fuck her and enjoy the booty call.
Regards,
Rosy Palms current best friend

I’ve always said that it’s okay to have post-breakup sex twice*. It’s like weaning yourself off cigarettes: really difficult to do cold turkey. Besides, the two people know all the ins and outs (so to speak) of each other’s bodies, and it seems like such a waste not to get laid just because the relationship isn’t going to work.

But I maintain that you should only ever do that two times. You did it for two MONTHS. And if you backslide again, you’re just going to start the process all over again. She’s gonna be all lovey-dovey, and you’re just going to hurt her again, and you’ll find yourself in this same goddam boat in another six weeks until she wears down your patience and you end up exploding at her and yelling, “GODDAMMIT HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU?!?!?” Better to cut her out of your life in no uncertain terms so that she can start getting over you and move on (and raise her kids).

**********

Dear….wait, come back to me…I had something for this,

+1 for the Archer reference

After a recent mind-blowing revelation that apparently it’s now okay to use one space after periods, the theme of this email is current trends I don’t understand.

Football: I’ve played FF for many years now, and it was always an iron-clad rule that you had to have a sick running back to win.  Then came the trend of platooning backs and people started to say that you should use high picks on an elite QB.  I switched up my game and got massacred the past two years.  The guy who racked up the most points by far last year had Hillis, McCoy and Rice and then at QB…the Sex Cannon and Kitna.  I had Aaron Rodgers and Andre Johnson and some mildly productive backs and didn’t even sniff the playoffs. So, WTF do I do this year?

Recognize that there are a few elite players at every position, and do your best to get those guys on your team. I’ve never understood people who are locked into this mentality of “I have to draft RB-RB-QB-WR” or whatever. Got the first overall pick? Then take Chris Johnson or Jamaal Charles or Arian Foster. Got the tenth pick? Then take Aaron Rodgers or Michael Vick or Andre Johnson. I’d rather pick a player I KNOW is awesome than draft Frank Gore in the first round and hate myself.

Sex: A friend of mine who works for our state healthcare benefits program said that our state is considering doing away with coverage for circumcisions.  She said that pediatricians have testified that about 70% of the lads in this state still get cut, but that it’s at 50% now in other states.  And that San Francisco is considering some law making them entirely illegal (for what it’s worth, being San Francisco and all).  I was shocked by all this.

Fucking San Francisco. When I’m declared God-King, one of my first acts is going to be importing 40,000 rednecks into the city limits, so that pistol-whipping becomes a common occurrence for aggressive panhandlers and asshole progressives.

I just assumed most people were cut, but that’s apparently not the case.  I remember in college girls would make a big deal about how shocked they were to come across a non-circumcised dick, as it was a rarity.  I also remember a poor SOB in our middle school getting mocked soundly in gym class for being the only one not cut.

There was once a lot of talk about circumcisions reducing the risk of HIV and other STDs, but I’m not sure of the truth of that.  It might have just been propaganda spread by the powerful mohel lobby.  I just thought it was religious/traditional.

So what’s the deal these days?  Will we someday live in a country where being cut puts you in a minority? I’d thank you to alleviate the swelling of my mind grapes.
John

I’m not an expert on circumcisions, and I don’t want to rehash the arguments for or against them, so I’m going to quote our old friend Wikipedia:

The Ancient Greeks and Romans valued the foreskin and were opposed to circumcision – an opposition inherited by the canon and secular legal systems of the Christian West that lasted at least through to the Middle Ages, according to Hodges. Traditional Judaism and Islam have advocated male circumcision as a religious obligation.

The ethics of circumcision are sometimes controversial… Modern proponents, such as Morris, argue that circumcision reduces the risks of urinary tract infections, penile cancer, HIV, balanitis, posthitis, phimosis, and prostate cancer as well as conferring sexual benefits. In contrast, opponents of infant circumcision often question its effectiveness in preventing disease, and object to subjecting newborn boys, without their consent, to a procedure they consider to have questionable benefits, significant risks and a potentially negative impact on later sexual enjoyment.

As an average circumcised dude who’s had a couple conversations with ladies about cut-versus-uncut before, here are my random thoughts on the matter:

• A circumcised dick is much easier to keep clean (I’ve heard women who’ve been with uncut guys complain about the smell).
• Penises are inherently gross-looking, but ones with foreskins are SUPER gross. You ever seen porn where the guy has a foreskin? Ugh, might as well masturbate to NatGeo.
• Since the foreskin has lots of nerve endings, uncut dudes may very well have more pleasurable sensations during sex than I do. I’ll obviously never know the difference. However, the whole “Let a man choose” argument is preposterous. Nobody’s going to CHOOSE to get a piece of their dick cut off. And if for some reason a grown man WOULD choose to get a circumcision — at the behest of a woman, no doubt — then he’s going to be massively disappointed when he all of a sudden has less sensation during sex. If it’s going to happen, it should happen the dude’s a baby and has no chance of remembering it.
• My pro-circumcision bias aside, there are few things as terrifying as a botched circumcision story. I think we had one in the mailbag once. JEEZUS. Utterly horrifying.

So, to answer your question, what’s the deal these days? I dunno. I don’t know enough new parents with sons to know if they’re getting the procedure done, and I don’t see enough dicks to judge the state of the populace. Maybe you should ask your mom. BURN!

Plaintiffs contend that they are injured because they feel excluded, or made unwelcome, when the President asks them to engage in a religious observance that is contrary to their own principles.... [However] offense at the behavior of the government, and a desire to have public officials comply with (plaintiffs’ view of) the Constitution, differs from a legal injury. The "psychological consequence presumably produced by observation of conduct with which one disagrees" is not an "injury" for the purpose of standing.

(Ed. Note: As the Stanley Cup Playoffs continue, we're bound to lose some friends along the journey. We've asked for these losers, gone but not forgotten, to be eulogized by the people who knew the teams best: The fans who hated them the most. Here are Pittsburgh Penguins bloggers The Pensblog, fondly recalling the 2010-11 Washington Capitals. Again, this was not written by us. Also: This is a roast and you will be offended by it, so don't take it so seriously.)

By The Pensblog

Read it. Greg Wysh did not write this eulogy. No, he commissioned us, The Pensblog, to do so. We do not represent all Penguin fans. We simply represent ourselves and the degenerates in our community.

Before we start. Let's begin with an excerpt from the book of Bowser, a homeless Capitals rapper:

Welcome to DC
The hockey district
You only come to play us if you want your butt kicked
You got your home team?
I got my Caps Tix
If you don't like it, then you can go to H-E Double hockey sticks!

HAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHA

Okay, sorry.

A lot of people are questioning why we are here today. Why should we be the ones to eulogize the Washington Capitals?

In "The Dark Knight," The Joker says to Batman, "Maybe we're destined to do this forever." That is how we feel with the Capitals. Maybe both fan bases are destined to go at each other forever.

So it goes without saying that we can't stand 99.8% of Capital fans. But the Penguins fan base has a lot of the same type of idiots, including us. The only difference is that the Pens fan base has a lower rate of bizarre rap videos per capita.

We consider Capitals bloggers -- Japers' Rink, E-Mac, Russian Machine Works When It Feels Like It, among others -- to be the best bloggers in the NHL.  Basically because they know what they're getting themselves into every season, and yet they keep coming back for more.  You have to admire that kind of insanity.

Using this eulogy to throw barbs directly at the Caps fan base would not be a good use of everyone's time.  The Caps and Pens have been eliminated from the playoffs by the same team for the past two years.  It would be like two guys fighting over a hot girl while that hot girl is getting plowed by some other guy.

But we do feel obliged to acknowledge the Capitals' season that never was.

If fans in other cities didn't hate Pittsburgh and Washington enough, the two teams were then the subject of the HBO miniseries "24/7" this season. And that series had a script that Hollywood would've given the green light for a blockbuster movie. The Pens were firing on all cylinders, while the Caps were down and out. All of a sudden, the Caps start putting together some wins, while the Pens' winning streak ended, shortly followed by the end of Crosby's point streak. In the end, the Capitals knocked out the Prince, won the Winter Classic, and had their eyes set on their stretch run to the playoffs.

It was the perfect movie plot.  In keeping with that, we're gonna take a quick look at some other movie plots that bear striking similarities to the Washington Capitals.

Maybe it is best said in "The Perfect Storm" when that one skank gives the eulogy at end of the film:

"For those of us left behind, the vast unmarked grave which is home for those lost at sea is no consolation. It can't be visited, there is no headstone on which to rest a bunch of flowers... The only place we can revisit them, is in our hearts, or in our dreams. They say swordboatmen suffer from a lack of dreams, that's what begets their courage... Well we'll dream for you: "

Is there a comparison there behind the Washington Capitals and swordboatmen? Of course. Does it fit? Yes.

Because in the end the Capitals were a bunch of men in a boat that never should've went down. The only difference is that over the course of the boat ride, the fishermen didn't jump into the windows of the wheelhouse and on top of one another every time they caught a fish.  They acted like they had been there before.

But that comparison isn't exactly right.

Maybe the Capitals are like Pickett's Charge in "Gettysburg."

Virginians! Virginians! For your land - for your homes - for your sweethearts - for your wives - for Virginia! Forward... march!

If you've studied the Civil War, or just base all facts off the movie "Gettysburg" like we do, you would know that despite being named Pickett's Charge, the burden of the South's failures was squarely on the shoulders of Lt. Gen. James Longstreet.

The comparison works here. Bruce Boudreau will be history's fall guy, but General Manager George McPhee should shoulder the blame. His refusal to put together a big-time defense betrayed him yet again. If there was a place called Joke City, Karl Alzner and John Carlson would be co-mayors on Foursquare. John Erksine isn't even real. He sucks so bad. Scott Hannan, Washington's big addition on defense, embarrassed himself in the Tampa series on numerous occasions. Some guy named Sean Collins played in Game 4 because Mike Green listened to the new Adele CD too many times and cut himself.

But it is Boudreau who will probably get the ax for this while McPhee will continue to reflect upon his bad decisions while riding elevators.

The similarities between the 2011 Washington Capitals and the Civil War fall a bit short, though.  Mainly because Pickett wasn't 100 pounds overweight and addicted to ice cream.

It almost works with the overall leadership comparison, but comparing the Southern troops to the Washington Capitals players would be saying that the Capitals players actually had any courage.

Except for their captain. He bleeds courage.

Maybe the real Ovechtrick is 9 straight playoff failures.

Perhaps it's 9 playoff games.

Perhaps it's the nickname for his 9-iron.

Perhaps it's the amount of goals he scored all season.

We'd check his actual goal total, but we don't feel like scrolling all the way down to his name in the goal column.

Every time the camera would pan to AO's face during this recent Lightning series, you almost felt that he was going to utter the same lines as Biff Tannen did in a "Back To The Future" movie:

"There's something very familiar about all this."

Biff Tannen and Alex Ovechkin. Two all-world talents that never got any help. Think about this. If Biff Tannen has some big-time help in any of the "Back To The Future" movies, it is lights-out for Marty McFly. Instead, Biff had to do everything himself. He was spent.

Biff had it all. He had the skill and the desire. Biff pushed everyone around, banged unlimited chicks, had unlimited success. But somehow Marty McFly always beats him. This happens because Biff has no support.

Same thing as Alex Ovechkin. What else can he do? He has scored big-time goals, plays like he is on PCP. What else does the guy have to do? His entire team betrayed him.

• Nicklas Backstrom started training for Swedish Meatball Eating Competitions and stopped doing anything related to hockey. Maybe his drop to 65 points this year was a preview of things to come. We're not even sure enlisting the help of Navy SEALS Team Six would've helped located Backstrom in the playoffs this year, or any year.

• Alex Semin, Maybe it's best to start checking the decks of all the yachts in the Black Sea. Like clockwork, Semin's got a two-week head start on summer. On the bright side, another "Summer with Ovi and Sasha" is right around the corner. That means four months of photos that will be about as comfortable as one of Quentin Tarantino's nightmares. Or a Prodigy video.

• Jason Arnott. Yeah, that almost worked.

• Mike Knuble. What a warrior. Decent effort from him. But in the end, he is still Mike Knuble.

• Brooks Laich. Hopefully he can stop and fix the tires on the Caps bandwagon after this mess.

• Can't even name any more Caps.  Johansson?  Mike Ridley?  Who knows.

It is sad really.  Alex Ovechkin and Biff Tannen.

Two extreme talents that always end up with poop in their mouths.

The Capitals are no longer with us for a number of reasons. They couldn't get goals when they needed them. They never quite solved Dwayne Roloson. They allowed Tampa's unsung heroes to score timely goals. They were stifled by the 1-3-1. They didn't make adjustments when they needed to. They couldn't score a big power play goal to save their lives. The injuries to Crosby and Malkin were just too much to overcome for any longer.

Wait.  Those are the reasons the Penguins lost.

But as you can see, a lot of the reasons are the same.

Some may say that there are many similarities between the Penguins and the Capitals, and that's true in some cases.

However, there are two major differences: Ted Leonsis and Bruce Boudreau.

We love those two guys and can't help but mock them.

We'll be very sad if Bruce Boudreau is fired, and not only because he honestly seems like a good guy who loves the sport of hockey. First of all, firing Boudreau may actually make the Caps better, which is the last thing we want. However, that's not our main reason for hoping he sticks around. We'd lose many, many jokes if he was no longer with the team.

Everyone remembers the sauce, or "dead skin", on his face during "24/7." Everyone remembers the hunt for Häagen-Dazs. Everyone remembers his angry tirades from the bench, where his face turns red and he looks like he's going to explode.

Don't make us come up with new jokes. Please keep Boudreau. We'll miss him if he goes.

But at least we'll still have Ted Leonsis, no matter what.

It seems like it's actually impossible for him to go more than a short period of time without saying something ridiculous. The now famous "we have arrived" is the most memorable of his quotes, but he's also had so many more.

"I believe that if the Caps can qualify for the playoffs, 10 or 15 years in a row, and we have a really good team that's young and has upside, that with that continuity and that knocking on the door enough, that we'll get our fair share of Stanley Cups. That's what I believe and I have to believe." (Bog)

"Two more games to go. Last home game of the regular season is tonight. Saturday in Florida and then let the chips fall where they may. This season has been a grind. You decide if we are an elite NHL team or not. It doesn't matter to us. We are what we are. We are what our record says we are." (Take)

"We have to win the Stanley Cup. Pittsburgh has already won theirs." (24/7)

Well, Ted, we guess you had to be eliminated by the Lightning, as well, since Pittsburgh already did that.

What Ted Leonsis doesn't understand is that no team in the NHL receives their "fair share of Stanley Cups." You don't win the Cup because "Pittsburgh has already won theirs." You don't win it because of your regular-season record. You don't win it because your fans are loud or your arena is all red.

Maybe if Ted spent some time watching his own team and analyzing its weaknesses instead of arguing with bloggers (Capitals bloggers at that) and comparing the Capitals to the Penguins, he might actually have a shot at the Cup.

Maybe the Capitals will make big changes over the offseason. Maybe Boudreau, or whoever replaces him, will learn and will turn things around. Maybe Alex Semin will put in some effort. Maybe that Jersey Shore "Beat That Beat Up" song will be played in May and June while the Capitals fist-pump their way to success.

Maybe the Capitals will sign Max Talbot, Mike Rupp, and Craig Adams and win the Cup with those players, driving a stake into the heart of every Penguins fan in the process.

Or maybe they'll be happy with their sirens, their horns, their red-clad crowd, their rockstar atmosphere, and their playoff failures. Maybe Ted Leonsis constantly talks about how the team is going to win the Cup so that he'll sell tickets without actually having to win the Cup.

We have no idea.

"We're looking [expletive] defeated right now! Show some [expletive] courage and play the game properly! You'll score three [expletive] goals if you do! I'm [expletive] sick and tired of losing. Let's [expletive] get our asses outta our heads!" - Bruce Boudreau

Now, Caps, for the sake of actually making this a rivalry instead of just an insult-trading contest, get your "asses outtta your heads" and go out there and [expletive] want it.

Otherwise, we'll be back here next year, writing yet another Caps eulogy. And no one wants that.

The Penguins eulogy was ended like this: "Rot in hell, Pittsburgh Penguins."

Well, Washington, as a wise man once said: Welcome To The Circus.

Wooooooo.

Written by The Pensblog. We can't stress this enough.

• Walter says Peter could have memory deficits and aphasia as a result of interacting with the Wave Sink Device
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• Tapioca Pudding is a useful distraction tactic for Walter Bishop
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• Sam Weiss has the original machine manuscript, and more!
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• Holyoke, Mass. is just outside Worcester, Mass.-NOT!!
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• Sam Weiss is at the very least the 6th in a line of Sam Weisses
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• Walter gets struck by lightning-twice!
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• It's apparently OK for Sam Weiss to drive Olivia Dunham around
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• Peter has either amnesia or aphasia when he first awakens-hard to tell which
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• The former Sam Weisses are buried in the Saint Arthelais mausoleum in western Mass.
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• The box and crowbar Sam and Olivia need is in the Whitely Museum in Boston
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• The Whitely Museum(and other buildings in the area) are experiencing lightning inside
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• The two Wave Sink Devices are causing a fift between them and horrifying events
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• Moving our WSD closer to the one Over There will stall the pace of destruction
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• Olivia's picture is on the paper manuscript page across from Peter!
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• Walter curves the paper to show Olivia bending the WSD with her mind. Olivia doubts her ability to do this. Walter has her practice her telekinesis on FauxLivia's Selectric 251 typewriter. Nothing happens and Olivia blames herself.
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• Peter was pretty sure there was a pawn shop at 42nd and Lexington in NYC. Turns out the pawn shop is on Third.
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• Peter buys the same Liberty half-dollar he owned as a child Over There
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• Peter tells a guard at Liberty Island he needs to see his father, the Secretary of Defense, Walter Bishop.
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• Olivia tells Walter Peter is on Liberty Island in NYC and they go and retrieve him
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• Astrid discovers the Selectric 251 typing Peter's mother's Greek phrase over and over
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• Walter and Olivia take Peter back to the Wave Sink Device in Pittsfield, Mass. Walter gives Peter a small physical and mental exam.
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• Olivia unlocks the WSD with her mind
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• Peter straps into the Wave Sink Device, just like in the picture of the manuscript
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• "Agent Bishop" finds himself in a war zone at least 10 years in the future. He is injured.
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  If you look at that list above it is truly amazing that the writers were able to include all that into a 42 minute show! What is most remarkable about this episode is the ending, where we are thrown into a future view of the Fringe Division at work, and Peter is apparently an active part of it, as an agent. Wow, is it May 6th yet?
  
  Things in the episode that remind me of other episodes:
  
  
  
• Peter in bed with a bedside heart monitor-reminds me of a similar scene in 223, "Over There:Part 2."
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• Sam Weiss' drawing of the box-rerminds me of a similarly-shaped box in 302, "The Box."
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• Sam Weiss prying the lid off the vault-reminds me of Peter opening a similar-looking container in NJ in 306, "6955 kHz."
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• Peter waking up wide-eyed with electrodes on his head-makes me think of his words to Olivia in 101, the pilot episode: "So you're saying my father is Dr. Frankenstein?"
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• Walter getting struck by lightning twice-reminds me of Dana Gray's history of the same thing happening to her in 317, "Stowaway."
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• "My name's....."-reminds me of the amnesia of Peter Lake, the main character in the book "Winter's Tale," by Mark Helprin, that young Olivia was reading in 315, "Subject 13."
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• Walter's reference to David Robert Jones and the lightbox-are a direct reference to 114, "Ability."
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• Astrid's announcement that "Peter's missing"-reminds me of Olivia telling Walter and Astrid "He's gone" in 219, "The Man From The Other Side."
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• Olivia running by explosions in the Whitely Museum hallway-reminds me of a similar thing as she ran with Peter in 314, "6B."
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• Sam's calculating his throw to make the vase fall and block the door-reminds me of Milo's calculated movements to make things happen in 303, "The Plateau."
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• Olivia using "Be A Better Man Than Your Father" to test her telekinesis-reminds me of the same phrase in 201, "A New Day In The Old Town."
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• "It's my favorite. It always brings me luck"-reminds me of Walter's "This one, this was your favorite" in 120, "There's More Than One Of Everything."
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• "Don't say I never took you anywhere"-reminds me of Peter saying a similar thing to Olivia in the sewer in 116, "Unleashed."
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• "You have no idea how extroardinary you are"-reminds me of Peter's "I've never met anyone who can do the things you do" in 215, "Jacksonville."
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• "I love you"-reminds me of John Scott saying the same to Olivia in 113, "The Transformation."
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• "Dear God!"-Walter said the same thing upon seeing the creature in 116, "Unleashed."
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• Walter beding the piece of paper to show Olivia bending the WSD with her mind-reminds me of Walter bending the paper to show how Alistair Peck could bend time in 218, "White Tulip."
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  Things That Struck Me About This Episode:
  
  
  
• "Riders On The Storm" on young Nate's Ipod:-the lyrics of this are quite apropos for this episode: "Girl you gotta love your man, take him by the hand, make him understand." Yeah, I like it. I wonder who the Doors fan is? The writers or the executive producers? Or both? And I think that the actors, the characters, and even we the audience are Riders Of The Storm, and it's just getting started!
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• Why would father Gary get out of his car in a lightning storm?-He looked strange and was dressed all in black. Is he a shape-shifter? Is that why he was so fearless?
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• "Spontaneous dry lightning storm, just outside Worcester." Holyoke, Massachusetts is not just outside Worcester, Massachusetts. Call me picky but I think if you're gonna write about distance like that you should make it as factual as you can. Holyoke is a good 40 minutes or more west of Worcester.
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• Regarding Sam Weiss being at least the 6th in a line of Sam Weisses-Hmm. Is this a play on the book series "The Saga of Seven Sons," in which the 7th son of the 7th son(I think that's how it goes) has special powers? (I have also wondered if the Violet Sedan Chair album, "Seven Suns" is also a nameplay on that book series.)
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• Walter getting struck by lightning-twice. Hmm. All of a sudden people are getting struck by lightning twice! Remember how Dana Gray's boss, in "Stowaway" told Lincoln Lee and Peter that she was struck by lightning twice? Also, if you've been reading the latest crop of Fringe comics, you'll remember there's one more member of Over Here that's been struck by lightning at least once-Nina Sharp.
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• Doesn't Peter look like Frakenstein's monster when he awakes with those electrodes on his head and the scars on his face?" I mentioned above the quote I thought of from the series pilot, and I think this reference is deliberate.
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• Ben Franklin's "Poor Richard's Almanac"-nice segue into Walter demonstrating Ben's kite experiment. And Walter kissing the top of Astrid's head? Adorable. (Notice he said her name correctly at least twice in this episode.)
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• Walter's science demonstration to Broyles-Very nice. Science whether you want it or not.
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• "Walter, maybe if you give me Cortexiphan..." This whole scene between Walter and Olivia was very bittersweet. A very Akiva Goldsman-like scene. Nice job, writers.
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• The police officer outside of the Whitney Museum-He and the cabbie had pretty good Massachusetts accents. We don't hear much of those on this show, even though it's based in Boston.
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• "Sam Weiss, patron member since '82."-Love that bit of humor. Hard to hate Sam when he does things like that.
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• Sam's Indiana Jones' type moves and "I work in a bowling alley."Hard to hate him when he does that too!
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• "I could've sworn there was one here..." Peter tells the male pedestrian at 42nd & Lex this as he struggles to figure out where the pawn shop is that he has been to before. If this scene makes the hairs stand up on your arm like poor Nate's did, you're not alone. This scene reminds me of Peter telling the bald kid in "Inner Child," that he could've sworn his GI Joe had its scar on the opposite side of his face, which was our first subtle clue that Peter wasn't from Over Here. Peter is having trouble remembering the differences between Over Here and Over There, and I have this creepy feeling that the showrunners are hinting that we'ver been looking at everything from a different angle from the pilot episode up to now. It's hard to put into words, but it's a thought worth remembering.
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• "That you don't fail." I wonder if that will be true of Olivia forever?
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• "I love you." Whoa! How many of you went "Oh" or gasped when Olivia told Peter that? What a huge confession for our Olivia!
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• Peter did not tell Olivia he loved her back. Hmm. I honestly expected something like this from these two writers. They also wrote "Marionette," which was a very P/O painful episode. I wonder what Olivia was thinking when he didn't reply with the same words?
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• Peter had two sets of flashbacks. The first set I believe was all of Season 1. The second set after he was locked into the WSD, was Seasons 1, 2, and 3 all mixed together. Notice there were no intimate thoughts of either Olivia during this, which is interesting. And, he was thinking of the "Projection Peter" kiss? Why would he picture that?! And he imaged he and Olivia as the kids they were in "Subject 13"? My first comment is, that maybe he was also thinking her thoughts once he was strapped in? I believe P/O worked together mentally to put out the light bomb in "Ability" AND that they worked together when she opened up the machine. That's just my opinion, though, I could be wrong. There were also images of Walter in the second set of flashbacks and I loved that.
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• Images of Fringe Division future. Wow. Is it May 6th yet?!
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  Overall this was an incredible episode. Because the writers crammed so much into it I will forgive them for not researching the geography of Massachusetts.
  
  I give this episode 5 out of 5 Over There half-dollars.

The movie adaptation of Bethany Hamilton’s life Soul Surfer was #7 at the box office this weekend! Bethany’s story is incredible and clearly points to her faith in Jesus Christ. As of right now, there have been over 10,000 commitments to Christ through the movie’s official outreach site, SoulSurfer.com. How amazing is that?

If you or your youth group kids haven’t seen it yet – as always if we want more movies like this we need to vote for them by buying tickets. I met Bethany Hamilton’s youth pastor, Sarah Hill, at a conference I attended a few months ago. She is an incredible woman and I asked her a few questions about the movie and her role as a youth worker through this crisis. Here’s some of our discussion:

1) Tell me about your part in Bethany Hamilton’s story?
I am a youth leader on the Island of Kauai. I have been here doing ministry for 10 years and Bethany was a precious young girl in my youth group. We did discipleship together and would surf together and just have a great time hanging out. After she was attacked by the shark her brother Noah called me after he got the news. As I picked him up to head to the Hospital, I was asking God to help me understand how he could have a plan in this happening. As Noah, held his head out the window, the Lord began to minister to my heart. That is where the Lord brought Jeremiah 29:11 to my mind. From that moment on I felt Gid wanted me to really help support and walk Bethany through this time of her life.

2) What was the scariest moment?
I think the scariest moment was waiting for the ambulance to get to the hospital. We were not sure how bad it was or even if Bethany would survive.

3) Going through all of this – did you ever imagine how God would use it?
After go spoke Jeremiah 29:11 to my heart for Bethany I felt Him impress that although Bethany had always been a light for Him he was now gonna use her as a voice. I had no idea that within two hours i would see this come to pass. While Bethany was in surgery we had every media outlet calling the hospital for an interview. Jesus always knows the outcome of our situation. He is faithful to use them and when we surrender all to Him, we can take a deep breath knowing He has a plan.

4) What did you think of the movie? Did Hollywood portray you well?
I am so proud of the movie. I think it definitely tells Bethany’s story. I have heard so much great feedback and hears so Many incredible stories of how the movie has inspired others. I feel they did a great job getting an accurate portrayal of me. It was great being on set and having the opportunity to read and help with the script.

5) What encouragement would you leave other youth workers with, too.
To make sure they are taking those personal time out to hear from Jesus. So often we get so busy and so bogged down dealing so many hurts and family needs around us that we put ourselves on the back burner. You can’t lead publicly where you are going personally. Jesus himself knew how important that was as He too went to be alone with the Father.

JG

No, Hines isn't doing dance exercises in this photo - just bringing a box of shoes to training camp. You know, that thing they used to have...

This is a continuation of the DWTS series, which began with this article, comparing Hines and Chad through the vehicle of their appearances on Dancing With the Stars through Week 5. You can find the update for Week 6 here.

Week 7 was the first week in which the contestants had to perform two different dances - a team dance and an individual dance.  There are six couples left. Hines and his partner Kym Johnson have the top cumulative score up to this point, and so they were the leaders of one team. Chelsea Kane and her partner Mark Ballas received the top score last week, so they led the other team.  Each team consisted of 3 couples, and they performed a group cha-cha.  I would have thought that was a contradiction in terms, but there you are.  

Probably the most interesting thing about last night was that the judging was much more split than usual. An extra judge was added, a Scots dancer by the name of Donnie Burns who specialized in Latin dance and was undefeated in any competition for almost 20 years.  Pretty impressive.  At any rate, this split was seen clearly in the competitive dances, when both teams ended up with the same score (30 out of 40) with 2 judges giving a 7 and 2 an 8.  But Team Chelsea got the 8s from Donnie and Carrie Ann, and Team Hines got the 8s from Len and Bruno.  This continued throughout the evening, with occasionally widely varying scores from the 4 judges for some of the couples.  (One couple received a 6 from one judge and a 9 from another.)

In Season 10 (last spring) the remaining six couples also had a Cha-Cha Challenge, and Chad Ochocinco and his partner Cheryl Burke were on Team Gaga.  By all accounts, though, the big winner of the night was Cheryl Burke. It was her birthday, and among other gifts Ochocinco gave her a diamond necklace, thus continuing his relentless pursuit of the hapless Burke.  (I say 'hapless,' but so far she's scored a diamond ring and necklace, as well as various bits of designer paraphernalia - we should all be so hapless.) 

By Burke's account, though, the best birthday present she received was the excellent Viennese Waltz that Chad mustered up. She had considerable difficulty during the competition getting him to focus, but he realized that he was going to go home if he didn't start working a lot harder, and so he did:

Chad Ochocinco: Team Gaga Cha-Cha Challenge - 9/9/9  Viennese Waltz - 8/9/8

Judges' comments:  

Bruno - "Chad, I can't beliee you can be so graceful and so gentle - truly a gentle giant.  You really maintained your focus. Just a couple of things. I can see that you really worked hard on extending your lines, and it works, but make sure that it carries through your fingers - don't end up with these kind of funny hands. [Shows fingers splayed all over the place]  I have to say this because I'm sure it would carry on. And be careful - sometimes it's a bit too heavy on the downbeat on the rise and fall, but otherwise great job."

Carrie Ann - "I'm going to agree with Bruno about the arms. When you're aware of your arms they're breathtaking - they are so elegant and elongated. But I have to say that there is nothing sexier than watching a man find out how to be tender and graceful... it was mesmerizing - the tenderness was in every cell of your body."

Len - "Your arms were full of fluidity. Chad, remember this date, May the 3rd, 2010, the night you became a contender."

Scoring comments - Chad was asked about the parade of gifts he had given Cheryl, and he said "I think a lot of people don't understand the time and effort that goes into the things we do, the choreographing and all that, and just the time and effort that she's put into me, so I'm just showing my appreciation."  When asked if there was anything they should know, Cheryl said "Now you know how hard I have to work with Chad. He feels sorry for me." 

Hines Ward: Team Hines Cha-Cha Challenge: 7/7/8/8  Tango - 9/9/8/10

(Judges' order: Donnie, Carrie, Len, Bruno) 

Comments during rehearsals:

Kym - "Romeo, he took us. He got 10s."  [Rapper Romeo and his partner Chelsea had received 2 9s and a 10 the previous week.] Hines - "Yeah, he did. Time for the Silent Assassin." Kym - "So that's what they call you on the football field." Hines - "Yeah, 'cause I don't do a lot of trash talking. Next thing you know, I just creep up, and I knock yo' ass out." [At one point in the show there was a staged bit where Romeo and Hines were both trying to grab the Mirror Ball trophy.]

This week they had brought in "Ballroom Greats" - award-winning dancers - to help coach each couple. The coach Kym and Hines got was Luca Baricci, and he complained that Hines wasn't in the character of the dance. "You're angry, but you want her," he said, demonstrating some of the moves with Kym. He then walked over and put his hands on Hines' shoulders, and Hines said "Oh, geez... um - am I the...?" Luca - "You're the man. Now feel it - this is aggressive." He then showed Hines how some of the moves felt. Hines said "Having a male perspective has helped me out a lot, because usually the guy is the one who's leading the girl. Hopefully I can lead Kym around the dance floor now." After they practiced one bit, Kym said "Wow - oh my God that was like dancing with a pro!" 

During one rehearsal a mischievous face peered around the door - a face belonging to Jerome Bettis.  Hines - "My teammates gave me a lot of flak about being on the show, and they definitely didn't think I'd make it to Week 7. So it didn't surprise me to see Jerome come in to see how well I really was doing." Jerome - "Let me see what you got, man!" Hines - "Having Jerome there, I really wanted to put on a show for him, because if I can impress him I can impress anyone." Jerome - "This guy is the ultimate competitor." Hines - "One thing about this dance competition, if you do bad you're gonna hear about it your whooooooolllllleee life." Kym commented that having Jerome there upped the pressure, and Jerome said "You want him to be under pressure. Pressure is gonna make him perform better. I'm just happy to provide some pressure today." Hines - "Jerome got me mentally ready for this competition, and Luca helped me refine my technique. So with each step in this tango, I'm gonna take out the competition. The Silent Assassin is coming, baby!"

Judges' comments:

Len: "Well, Hines, it was a mixture to me. Some of it was full of drama. You were like a tiger stalking its prey, coming out there sharp and crisp like a pickle. [At this point Carrie Ann said "A pickle!?" and he said, "Yeah, they're sharp and tangy. I like them."] Anyhow, then it goes into like a fairy mode, and it was all a bit too dainty for me. [Massive booing from the audience. When it continued, he said "Talk to the hand."] Overall, I liked it very much. It's just that here and there it could have been a bit more determined."

Bruno: "I like light and shade, and I like the way you played it. Big, strong, masterful, determined, yet you manage to retain the slinky, smooth, stealthy actions of a panther on the prowl, going for the kill. That was a killer tango!" [You will get the flavor of this comment best if you imagine that every word is underlined, the important words are drawn out, and the panther pounce is demonstrated...]

Carrie Ann: "What you do that is so unique, that sets you apart from everybody else, is that you take command of every dance. And I really believe that the way you command the movement, the way you command your partner, and the way you command the audience is really unbelievable. Tonight, though, despite your incredible musicality and your connection with Kym, which is new, there were a few - I felt like you were just a little off-balance at points. I think you're learning a new hold, I saw it in action and I'd love to see it in action next week."

Donnie: "Bruno, I thought you were a little bit understated in those comments.  [Bruno: "Do you want me to do it again?"] My old dancing teacher used to say "Dance from your heart, but use your head," and I think you do that.  I think you've got a winning mentality. And you've got this kind of really good charisma on the floor that sucks people in and makes them like you. You've got a nice personality as well. The only thing is, mechanically, from the technical point of view, your arms are supposed to be still, and they were wafting, a little bit like American Airlines, you were trying to fly there. But apart from that I thought you did a great job."  

Cumulative Score thus far - Chad: 170   Hines: 197.5

The cumulative scores for this week were a little tricky, because there was a fourth judge on this season's program, but not last year, and therefore both the team score and the individual scores were higher. So I figured what percentage of the total Hines' team score and individual scores were, and used those for the cumulative total, to keep it equivalent.  (Therefore his team score was 30 out of 40, or 22.5 out of 30, and his individual score was 36 out of 40, or 27 out of 30.) So my cumulative score won't look the same as what you might see on the internet - it will be lower for Hines. (That's also how it is a fractional score.)

Last week Hines and Chad were 30 points apart. A strong showing for Chad in Week 7 narrowed the gap a bit.  Both Hines and Chad moved on to Week 8 - once again Hines and Kym were the first people on the results show to be told that they were coming back.

Here are where Hines and Chad placed each week. (The place is given as out of the remaining number of couples, hence 9/11 means 9th place out of 11 couples.) After the first week, the first set of numbers is the rank for that night's score, the second set of numbers is their cumulative rank. There were a number of times where several couples received the same score, and to make it simple I assumed that they were at the top of the set (so if they were tied with three people for third place, I just gave them 3rd.)

Week 1:  

Hines -  3/11                 

Chad -  6/11

Week 2:  

Hines -  1/11, 1/11   

Chad -  9/11, 8.11

Week 3:  

Hines -  1/10, 1/10  

Chad -  8/10, 7/10

Week 4:  

Hines -  2/9, 1/9  

Chad -  4/9, 7/9

Week 5:  

Hines -  1/8, 1/8  

Chad -  6/8, 7/8

Week 6:  

Hines -  3/7, 1/7  

Chad -  3/7, 6/7 

Week 7:

Hines - 1/6, 1/6

Chad -  4/6, 5/6

This week was the first time that I felt that Chad had really fulfilled his potential on this show. The dance was beautiful - if you want to see it, here's a link. The problem was that it was too little too late, and as you can see he was one couple above the bottom, and the bottom couple was eliminated.  So will he live to dance another week? Will Hines continue to make Steeler Nation proud? 

It is interesting to note that Hines never received a single negative comment until last week. And the 'negative' comments are more suggestions for what to work on. Unlike with Chad, the judges have never felt the need to spur Hines on with criticism. (And as the number of couples diminishes, the judging gets more particular, as they expect more of each contestant every week.]

Finally, a couple of things from Channel 4 Action News.  First, one of the anchors, Sally Wiggins, was in the audience last night, and asked Hines and Kym a few questions afterwards for the 11 o'clock news. First, she asked "Coach Kym" if they deserved to get the 10 that Bruno gave them.  Kym said yes, that the tango is a very difficult dance, and that he had nailed it. Hines interjected "Yeah, I deserve a 10! I'm out here dancing my butt off! I deserve a 10 every week!" Wiggins said "To us, a tango looks like you're just kind of walking around like a robot." Hines said "That's what I thought watching it at home, watching Dancing With the Stars and watching one of the other guys. I thought 'Oh, I can do that.' But there's a lot of hard work that goes into it, and this tango is probably the hardest dance I had this season. Unfortunately, I had to go after the professional dancers did the tango. [There was an exhibition dance of the tango by 2 of the "Ballroom Greats."] I was watching them and thinking 'Oh, man, you want my tango to look like theirs? They've been doing it for 20 years and I've been doing it for four days.' I just tried to play the James Bond role...to go out there and give them my best." 

Wiggins asked Kym how difficult it was to have to do two dances in one week when they had been doing one, and asked how Hines handled it. Kym said "Hines is used to pressure so I think he handled it really well... It was fun [to do the team dance.] It's a little bit of extra work, but it's more fun, I think." Wiggins said that they were out of time, and did Hines have any words for the folks back home? Hines - "We love you, Steeler Nation. Continue voting for us and vote us all the way to the finals. I'll continue to work my butt off and hopefully I can bring this mirror ball and trophy back to Pittsburgh." 

There was also a segment on the "Black and Gold Girls Club" that has made DWTS t-shirts to sell, and has raised over $3000 so far for Hines' foundation. The t-shirt says "Vote Team Ward - Dancing with a Winning Smile." You can get more information on the WTAE website, if you are pining for one.

To be continued...

"Kozo" Fuji from Osaka, Japan, goes for his standout back flip in front of a crowd of fixie fans at the Red Bull Ride

PHOTO BY JUSTIN KOSMAN

CYCLING The SF Bike Coalition's valet parking was strangely empty for a blazingly sunny Saturday event by the Ferry Building. "They've just been leaving their bikes around," a bored attendant told me of the crowd assembled for the Red Bull Ride + Style fixed-gear competition. But that wasn't out of apathy to their rides — these attendees wanted to keep their bikes close.

Candy-colored fixies were turned upside-down on their handlebars, stacked in piles with the steeds of their owners' friends. Young men (there were a lot of young men) kept their hands firmly locked in riding position, rolling their bikes back and forth as they spoke, some times gesticulating with them for added effect. Those slim, messenger-style backpacks were much in evidence.

In the competition arena, no one strayed far from their bikes either, except for the spectacular falls that sporadically broke up the action. Strap-on fixed-gear pedals make for epic wipe-outs; one soldier was taken off the field on a stretcher.

Save for the lone female who rolled about during the event's interminable "practice times," all riders were male. This was about bros on bikes. Indeed, as the final race around the hazardous, hairpin track was announced between Bay Area childhood friends Jason Clary and Kell McKenzie (Clary won), the announcer took a moment to salute their relationship. "You guys have known each other since you were 14? It's bro versus bro! Fixed-gear nation!"

Competitive fixed-gear racing is, relatively speaking, a nascent addition to the legion of bone-cracking thrill fests enjoyed by extreme sports fans. The sport's lexicon is borrowed from the death-defying ride tactics of gonzo bike messengers, a profession that has to sprint to keep up with e-mail and 3-D projection technology to stay salient for corporate America.

San Francisco is one of the messenger bike meccas. The city has given birth to some epically fly-terrifying fixie films — guys slaloming down from Twin Peaks, diving into traffic, holding onto buses for acceleration, basically using the ridiculous speed you can achieve on a fixed- gear bike for pure chaos (in the eyes of the pedestrian, surely).

But street stunts do not a competitive sport make. On Saturday, it was apparent that everyone was trying to figure out just what Ride + Style meant. The week before the event, the Guardian interviewed Austin Horse, one of New York City's best-known bike messengers, by e-mail.

"Nobody knows what to expect about Ride N Style," he wrote. "It's very mysterious, but the riders know it's going to be a challenging and compelling event because it's coming from Red Bull. [Editor's note: Apparently Red Bull's sponsorship is a big deal. Red Bull also sponsored a downhill bike race through a Brazilian favela, the aerodynamic inanity of Flutag, and your most jittery friend in college who had a dorm room full of Red Bull crates. Remember that guy?] The result is that all the riders are a little more anxious about this race than other events. What we do know is that it's gonna be a sprint with features some guys aren't going to be comfortable with. It's a little scary."

The second half of the day was given over to what was billed as the most cutting edge part of the competition: the freestyle contest. Covered in sherbet colors, spiders, geometric whorls, and playing card designs, they looked every bit the background for an extreme sports tournament.

"Only rarely have events invested in features tailored to the constraints and potential of this type of riding," Horse says. When the cameras are off "people practice wherever they can — skate parks and street spots."

In San Francisco, one of the most reliable spots to watch good fixed-gear freestyling is in the Harry Bridges Plaza, the strip of asphalt between the Ferry Building and where Ride + Style was erected in the more ample Justin Herman Plaza. You can go out to Harry Bridges at dusk most days and see people hopping their bikes off the ground, spinning in the air, twerking their handlebars, riding backward in tight figure eights, and stopping on dimes.

But the ramps took it up a notch — so up that spectators began to compare the competition to those of BMX bikes, which can catch a lot more air than fixed gears. It wasn't a coincidental connection: some of the competitors announced on the microphone that they were usually on a BMX, and Jeremy Witek, the lead designer of the ramps, told me during the construction phase that this was the first time he'd been asked to make structures like these for a fixed-gear competition.

There were some hands-down highlights of the freestyle portion — Kohei "Kozo" Fuji flew in from Osaka to bust the first fixed-gear back flip in international competition. But many of the routines seemed strangely suited for their setting. The beauty of the fixed-gear lies in its simplicity — one pump of the legs, one rotation of the wheels, the easy mathematics of human body and machine.

But the novelty of seeing these lifestyle bikes thrust into the bright lights and loud announcers of the X Games variety wasn't lost on those least jaded of San Franciscans — the Embarcadero tourists. Washing my hands in the Embarcadero Center bathroom, I heard a young woman essentially ask her mom what the hell this crazy city of bikes is up to. "Does San Francisco always have this?"

Girl, it does now. 

We all saw the photos. Princess Catherine and Prince William kissing on the balcony of Buckingham Palace ... and the little pouting flower girl/bridesmaid/whatever they were calling her in the lower left corner. Grace Van Cutsem, Prince William's goddaughter, none too pleased to be there, peeved, stealing a bit of the spotlight, acting like a normal 3-year-old.

Anyone else look at that picture and wonder, "Is her mom freaking out right now?" 

My daughter, who just turned 4, is going to have her first role in a wedding this July. My husband's brother is getting married, and she is a flower girl. She is very excited, she's been practicing, she's told everyone from the FreshDirect delivery guy to the doorman she is a flower girl. Yes, she is thrilled.

Me? Not so much. Don't get me wrong, I adore the fact that Kiddo was invited to be a part of the wedding, but, man, it is a lot to ask of a kid. The wedding party gets there early, perhaps poses for pictures, then waits around some more, and finally the wedding starts. The girl has to focus and follow directions and then someone gives her props! Flowers no less, flowers that are fun and she wants to smell them and the last thing she wants to do is throw them or listen to some wedding planner trying to corral her to do what she is supposed to do ... so she doesn't.

Many say it's cute when flower girls don't behave, act like, well, kids should after waiting around for hours while wearing not-so-comfy shoes. You see those videos all of the time on America's Funniest Home Videos. And we all saw it last Friday with little Grace. I don't blame Grace for her pout. She was tired, she was over it.

I am actually not worried about Kiddo. She's gonna be fine and, if she isn't, that is okay too. I am more worried about me and my anxiety creeping into the situation. The minute she smells my stress about how I want her to behave a certain way, we are done for ... so I will tell her to just have fun.

Did you have a flower girl mishap in your wedding?

Image via Getty

Today is the official start of Bump Month where I'll be interspersing posts related to pregnancy, new moms, and babies throughout the month of May.  To kick things off, members of Splash Creative Media are sharing our birth stories- the good, the bad and the ugly! So get ready to share, talk, and learn about great products and enter an amazing giveaway valued at $1,000!   

As I wrote this, Little Miss Techie has made herself a reading nook right behind my desk and was devouring the next book in the Rainbow Magic fairy series.  It’s hard to believe that 7 years have passed since she was born because the nine months we waited for her to arrive seemed like forever.

Certain moments from those nine months are forever ingrained in my mind:

• The nervous excitement of waiting for the home pregnancy test to show up positive or negative and then the elation of knowing I was pregnant and sharing the news with my husband.
• Calling my parents on my way home from work and telling them that they were going to be grandparents at the start of the new year.
• Working behind a closed door with my windows wide open to combat the intense smell of paint fumes due to the surprise of painters showing up unannounced in our office one summer day.  I hadn’t planned to share my pregnancy at work quite yet but one of my good friends poked head in my office to sympathize with the overwhelming smell and then said, “At least you aren’t pregnant.” “But I am,” I replied close to tears as I worried about what the fumes were doing to the baby.
• Guys in the office being relieved when I made my announcement because as one said, “We thought you might be but didn’t want to say anything unless you were just gaining a lot of weight.”  Thanks.
• Worrying that I would forget everything I learned during the birthing classes and infant CPR course we took pre-baby.
• Being terrified of a C-section.

I felt incredibly fortunate that my pregnancy was so easy.  I had no morning sickness, gained a moderate amount of weight, and there was a baby inside of me who looked healthy throughout my nine months.  I hoped that my labor and delivery would be as easy as my mom said hers was with me.  After all, everyone had told me that your mother’s labor and delivery indicates how easy or difficult yours might be.  Not so true.

My water had broken but I wasn’t dialated even a centimeter so I was connected to an IV and given a drip with Pitocin to speed along labor.  But speed was a relative term since I was progressing at a snail’s pace. 

“Let’s take you off the drip for an hour and then start it back up to see what happens,” she calmly said.  She knew that the idea of a C-section scared me because my experience with surgery was limited to having my wisdom teeth out in high school.  But that doesn’t really count.

These days I love the growing independence of our two children but I do miss  the first year.  The incredible baby smell, snuggling a sleepy cuddly newborn who conforms to your body during naps, the portability of having a child who fits in an infant carrier, the amazing growth and rate of change…I cherish the memories of my daughter and son as they were and look forward to what our future as a family holds.

Read more Bump Month Birth Stories from the Splash Creative Media team:

• Alison Ray from Sassy Moms in the City @sassymomchicago

• Andrea Fellman from Savvy Sassy Moms @savvysassymoms

• Grace Duffy from Formely Gracie @graceduffy

• Jessica Rosenberg from It’s My Life @kikarose

• Julie Meyers Pron from Just Precious @justprecious

• Kelly Whalen from The Centsible Life @centsiblelife

• Laurie Cooper from Guessing all the Way @clueless_mama

• Leticia Barr from Tech Savvy Mama @TechSavvyMama

• Whitney Wingerd from Mommies with Style @WhitneyMWS

Mark your calendars for the Bump Month Twitter Party!

Wednesday May 18th, 2011

Starting at 8pm EST / 7pm CST / 6pm MST / 5pm PST.  

It will be a 2 hour long Twitter Party where we'll be 

giving away nearly $5,000 in prizes!

Be sure to watch this space for more info on the #BumpMonth Twitter Party!  It’s gonna be Bumptastic!  Huge thanks to the sponsors below that have contributed fabulous prizes!

Thanks for reading Tech Savvy Mama through your feed! Original post by Tech Savvy Mama ©2010

[Granderson appears onscreen, holding a tablet computer, from which he reads comments.]

Here's a comment from Áth Cliath: "I blame Madonna." You are absolutely correct! It is ALL her fault. And Lady Gaga. And Beyoncé. And all the other women who your little girl doesn't know, only listens to, and yet emulates because YOU'RE NOT DOING YOUR JOB.

[edit. title: CNNOpinion.]

What's up? This is LZ Granderson with CNN.com Opinion, and I am here to talk about a piece I wrote recently called "Parents, don't dress your girls like tramps." And, uh, like four thousand of you wrote comments, and this is what I'm here to do today: Comment on your comments.

[edit; a comment by MindLikeWarp is shown onscreen, from which Granderson quotes]

"Just because a corporation can sell something, doesn't mean they should. I blame the parents first, but I definitely think the corporations have a role in it as well. Corporations are run by human beings." [edit; Granderson is back onscreen] You are so wrong, dude! Corporations [laughs] are run by dollars! And they're not gonna put anything out there that we're not going to buy. And they're not gonna give up too much cash just because we as parents refuse to do our jobs. So, yes, you're right: Corporations are the ones selling the product, but we can never, ever forget we're the ones that's responsible for buying the product.

[edit; a comment by Ant92874 is shown onscreen, from which Granderson quotes]

"Completely agree. My friend and I have a term for them—prostitots." [edit; Granderson is back onscreen] That's a little funny—but I think the blame is misguided. You can't blame a little girl for being dressed the way that she is. You gotta look at the parents, and I think it's unfair to kinda call them prostitots. Maybe you should call the parents pimps!

[edit; a comment by oldguy12 is shown onscreen, from which Granderson quotes]

"Nearly all of our domestic problems start, and can be fixed, in the family room. Rearing children has become just another task for too many 'parents' focused primarily on financial success, social standing, and self-indulgence." [edit; Granderson is back onscreen] Oldguy12, there's a lot in there that I agree with, and there's a lot in there that I don't agree with. Folks gotta work! Folks gotta put food on the table. And so I don't think the, the absence of parents being in children's lives can solely be blamed on being self-indulgent. Uh, but with that being said, you're right: We still have to make time to talk and be with our kids. We're still supposed to be the role models.

I'm not a great mathematician; I have no idea how you make twenty-four hours into twenty-eight; I just know that, at some point during the day, we have to talk to our kids.

Songs are 'very her,' Taylor says at 'Madea's Big Happy Family' premiere.
By Kara Warner

Teyana Taylor
Photo: MTV News

With the crazy amount of success, downloads and radio plays derived from Willow Smith's chart-smashing "Whip My Hair" and follow-up single, "21st Century Girl," the precocious little 10-year-old has a lot of people wondering exactly when she'll drop a full-length album.

According to musician/actress Teyana Taylor, who is writing a few tracks for Smith, that release date is inching closer and closer, and fans of "Whip My Hair" will love what they hear.

At the premiere of "Madea's Big Happy Family" on Tuesday night, Taylor told MTV News of her work with Smith, "It's coming along great — very her. When you hear it, you're gonna love it."

Though she's grown up in and around Hollywood, with her parents being Will and Jada Pinkett Smith, Willow is still a newbie to the music biz. Taylor, who appeared on MTV's hit "My Super Sweet 16," said she sees a little of herself in the young Ms. Smith.

"She reminds me of a little me," Taylor said. "I love her style. She's amazing, so [I'm] very excited."

Taylor revealed that the tracks she is working on will be in the same vein as Smith's previous singles, describing them as "up-tempo, fun, dance, young, fresh, new, in the now."

And when we might hear that album? "Very soon," Taylor promised. "Sooner than you know."

Smith has been a very busy bee over the past few months. Since releasing "21st Century Girl" and its video, she has been touring Europe with Justin Bieber.

Are you excited to hear a full album from Willow Smith? Tell us below!

• Willow Smith

A few updates on what's been going on in the MMA Twitterverse

TWEET TWEET

"Please call/text my little bro @ChanJones99 and tell him I said I love em and goodnight 6077438283"  -Jon Jones, posted his brother's number for his 83,000+ followers to see.

"lol you got my phone blowing up bro!!! make sure you say "girls only" next time!! ...Thanks to @jonnybones i gotta get a new phone number, 83,000 ppl calling me telling me goodnight! ...hahah i better be getting a new phone along with my number!!! #iphone4 here i come! @jonnybones"  -Chandler Jones, Defensive end for Syracuse, and Jon Jones' brother.

"Looks like I will be getting shoulder surgery next week. Not the news I was looking for."  -Jon Fitch

"@tgerbasi Congrats on what will certainly be the second best MMA Encyclopedia on the market. ;)"  -Jonathan Snowden, author of MMA Encyclopedia, shortly after UFC Encyclopedia was announced.

"On my way to a benefit concert for Japan. Going to present a cheque onbehave of my team Golden Glory for 10.000 dollars for the redcross!!"  -Alistair Overeem

"Just stocked to deep freeze with meat! 550 lbs of beef not bad! http://plixi.com/p/92682257"  -Donald Cerrone, is the world ending and only Cerrone knew about it?

"Hello folks i just got the message that Jose Aldo asked me to coach and support him in his next fight this month, what an honour!"  -Andy Souwer

"In between my workouts I have carnivore protien shots with gatorade prime. After the workout I use turmeric fishoil and joint stuff feel :))"  -Diego Sanchez

There are a ton of tweets after the jump, but first, if you have a twitter account, don't forget to follow:

The Official BloodyElbow Twitter Account, Luke Thomas, Kid Nate, Brent Brookhouse, Mike Fagan, Leland Roling, Richard Wade, Jonathan Snowden, Chris Barton, Damon O, Scott Broussard, Tim Burke, Matt Bishop... oh and maybe you all should follow that guy named Anton Tabuena

JON JONES VS. RASHAD EVANS

"@jonnybones will b mma's version of Milli Vinilli.. Wait until the curtain comes down cuz it will!!"  -Rashad Evans

"he is fake! The fighting is off the hook but as a person he is fake! ...@jonnybones is a Swagger Jacker! "  -Rashad Evans

"@jonnybones it's been on!! Get off your own fan bus cuz nobody is driving!! U ain't as raw as u believe & I'm gonna show ya!!"  -Rashad Evans

"@jonnybones must b high! Cuz remember him looking at me begging me 2 let him up cuz he couldn't get back 2 his feet in training."  -Rashad Evans

"@SugaRashadEvans #cmonson"  -Jon Jones

LUDACRIS AND TEAM BLACKHOUSE

"Me and @Ludacris in the Fast and Furious Five premier afterparty"  -Junior dos Santos

"Me & UFC fighter Antonio "Minotauro" Nogueria at the FAST FIVE Premier afterparty"  -Ludacris

TWICTURES

"he's begging me not to slap him.."  -Jason High, with Georges St. Pierre.

"A lot of blood, a lot of sweat...but NO tears! #UFC129"  -Georges St. Pierre, didn't cry even after Jason tried to slap him.

"This is me at Disneyland. And one big turkey leg. I'll hang out most places that have the big turkey legs."  -Amir Sadollah

"just got hair cut and I feel 5lbs lighter and 25 again back when billy ray cyrus was awesome."  -Roy Nelson

"Me and @theDomin8r at the Mana concert. Doing work for @ufc"  -Thiago Alves

"Me and @KCbandit @ufc. Hope all is well in FL!"  -Charlie Brenneman

"Look who I found in Vegas!! @Irenesantos86"  -Miesha Tate

"Seconds after the scale! Booyah tomorrow I show!!!! ...I have a huge head holy ball sack!!!"  -Justin Buchholz, defeated Steve Sharp with a first round choke.

BRITTNEY PALMER'S "SHOWGIRLS" AND PLAYBOY SHOOTS

"check out playboys gamer next door video! this was one of the funnest video shoots to date! xoxo Jo Garcia is a blast!"  -Brittney Palmer

MORE TWICTURES + ARIANNY CELESTE'S NEW SONG

"Driving home..jammin out. :)"  -Arianny Celeste

"My new song coming soon "fight to love me" peek the remix @MadeByAxident @damonelliott <this is Not the music vid.fyi :)"  -Arianny Celeste, Today is Wednesday. Tomorrow is Thursday. Friday comes afterwards.

"My Coachella hippie outfit..don't laugh. Lol... American vintage top..wonder who wore it before me and in the era? Ps its hot as ball out here!"  -Arianny Celeste

"Still working hard...new Ultimate Insider every thursday on www.ufc.com ! :) been a very productive day."  -Arianny Celeste

"Love my new @underarmour workout gear. Now time for a protein shake! :D keep it healthy and sexy!!"  -Arianny Celeste

"In the studio with @powersimagery"  -Chandella Powell

"I flicked a boogy over the balcony. ;) #sexytime"  -Natasha Wicks

"Shooting guns @gunstore thanks Chris! @buffaloYEG shooting a Grease gun like a cool guy!"  -Natasha Wicks

TWIDEOS

"Miesha Tate rolls with Ryan Couture at Xtreme Couture"  -Randy Couture, excellent footage from Heavy.com

"Rejoice, for your dream of seeing @StephanBonnar tear off his shirt Hogan-style is now a reality"  -UFC

"Glad I'm retired when this girl enters the cage: http://youtu.be/ZIxPPEYeJAg"  -Marloes Coenen, holy smokes.

"Rubber guard Defense with Josh Barnett"  -Renzo Gracie

"Check out @Tyson_Griffin @StephanBonnar and more helping kids get in shape"  -UFC, and Reed Harris also.

...

It's been two days and I'm still smiling about Monday's Penny Can-tastic episode of Cougar Town! You can imagine, then, how excited I am that there is another new episode airing tonight!

To get you salivating in anticipation, like Jules preparing to take a sip out of Big Carl, here is part two of my interview with Cougar Town creator Bill Lawrence. Enjoy!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TVFanatic: One thing I love about following you on Twitter; not only are we getting information about the show and stuff, but we're also getting to know you a little better, especially with the back and forth between you and Christa. In fact, she actually told me I should ask you where your wallet and keys are, and how to work the clock in your car.

Bill Lawrence: (Laughs) Oh God…my wife. I'm the luckiest guy in the world, for many reasons, but also because I will lose my wallet and keys about once every three days and they always come back to me. I left my wallet on top of my car a couple of weeks ago, when we left home, and I couldn't find it and then I walk outside of my office and it was still on the roof; it hadn't fallen off on the drive.

But I think there is a reason behind [ fans feeling that connection ]. I think one of the reasons you can say reality TV works, or people really dig on Howard Stern is that they aren't manufactured. When you feel like you have access to somebody and know what's going on and sense that connection, I think that inspires loyalty or the willingness to give something a try. I think it's really fun to be authentic on these things. I'm gonna ride it out until I burn out on it.

TVF: I completely understand what you mean. I've been a fan of Cougar Town since it started, but took on a whole new life when you and Christa started interacting with me on Twitter. I was like "Woah, hey…this is pretty cool!" You actually feel closer to the show that way.

BL: Right, and I also think the best shows out there, the writers and creators are generally writing things that are essentially stories about themselves and from their own life.  Someone on Twitter asked me whether or not a lot of the J.D. stories happened to me, and I'm like "Yeah of course." We're not just making stuff up out of a vacuum. A ton of his embarrassing stories happened to me and the other writers.

TVF: Yes, I was going to ask you before, and I actually think you tweeted me directly saying that in your personal relationship you're Jules and Christa is Grayson, so I was wondering how much of your relationship actually gets reflected in some manner within those stories?

BL: You know, a ton man. it's impossible not to do that. The shows nobody ends up liking are the ones where the characters feel fake and there's no undercurrent of real affection for each other and it's a bunch of people tossing snarky lines at each other. Some people dig those shows, but they generally don't work for me. The only one that did was Arrested Development, just because, that show was a comedy writer's dream. It was every great, fast 9000 miles an hour joke that you ever wanted to do as a TV writer. Even my friends that were on Seinfeld took such great pleasure saying it was about nothing; whether they liked it or not there was an undercurrent on that show that the main characters actually loved and cared about each other, and that's why people were hooked into them. That's why so many people were mad about the finale, because they cared about those people whether the show wanted them to or not.

TVF: That's actually what I love the most about Cougar Town. Yeah, there's a little heightened reality I guess you could say, and some snarkiness back and forth, but when it comes down to it these characters all love each other. No matter how mad they get at one another or what happens, who did what, like even though Bobby cheated on Jules, there's still that connection and they care about each other.

BL: Yeah, they have a kid, so they have to be. I like it because, exactly what you said. You should be online describing our show, dude. Under the same heading, so many TV shows are filled with judgment and our characters, like Busy Philipps character is a tramp, they might make a joke but they don't really judge. Bobby's character lives on a boat and kind of rips off food and money from his friends, and they love and accept him and it's not, you know, every one of my friends is [screwed] up and none of gives each other too much crap about it.

TVF: I've noticed a trend of self-deprecation with writers and producers on the social networking sites. Is that more or less just being funny, or do you think a healthy does of that self-maligning attitude bolsters your ability to churn out funny dialogue?

BL: I'll be 100% honest with you, I'm not gonna say everybody's just doing the "aw shucks" thing, trying to protect their image, but it's general comedy writers…you won't generally see the actors doing the self-deprecating thing, but comedy writers are insecure nerds that were fanboys growing up, or like me who loved musical theater and used their sense of humor as a defense mechanism, and because of that everybody thinks deep down they're still that insecure dork. So, for me, it's certainly not fake. The hardest part of Twitter for me is when people are complimentary it makes me really uncomfortable, it seems too nice and because of that I find it easier to lock on to haters. One of my favorite things to do is when people say horrible things is to engage them, it's just easier and someone finally said "Hey, how come you only respond to people that are just horrible and the people who are nice to you, you don't respond back?" This week it actually turned me, and I've been trying to but it's because when people are nice it makes me really uncomfortable and I think it's that way for a lot of writers.

TVF: Do you ever get too focused on the negative comments, and they just eat away at you?

BL: Oh, of course. The one thing I'll tell you is I've been doing this for a long time, so I'm a little bit teflon. People were mean about Spin City and people were mean about Scrubs. The truth is more people were nice, A and B it's a small price to pay for getting to do this job. My biggest pet peeve are TV writers out there who say the aren't really fans of TV or watch much TV, or actors who are on TV shows that say they don't watch television. I always want to reach through the phone and choke them. Please, if you don't want to watch television then don't work in it or don't write TV.

TVF: I completely agree! Courteney let slip recently that Jules and Grayson are having baby issues? Would you care to elaborate on that?

BL: I always try to set these things up in the show so it doesn't come from anywhere, first off, look we're not gonna have another baby show up on the show, because it would just be another character on the show that no one ever sees and would just complain about, like when they say we never see Baby Stan, or whatever, but one of the issues Courteney had in her life, we set up that Josh Hopkins' character really likes kids and Courteney's already got a 19-year old boy and I would imagine she's not chomping at the bit to have another one, and because I'm not gonna do Ross and Rachel, break them up and then put them back together only to break them up again, we still need to have real issues for couples that age to deal with and I think a 40 year old guy and a 42 year old woman and the guy wants kids and she's already got a 20 year old, it's definitely gonna be an issue. It's something we look at in these last episodes. When I say we had a ripple effect among the characters with this Travis thing, that's how that story ties in. Courteney's son has run off to Hawaii, living on the beach waxing surfboards for a living, and her boyfriend is talking about how great it would be to have another baby, it's enough to make her want to kill herself.

TVF: I'm glad you mentioned that about the Ross and Rachel thing, because I wanted to ask you if you thought Jules and Grayson had a long term future.

BL: I do; here's how I prefer to write relationships…we always start from a place of what would really happen?  On Scrubs, people asked me about why J.D. and Eliott got together so early and then you ignored it? Well, because except on TV shows, in my life, when people that are single and attracted to each other in their early twenties, and they work at the same place all the time, they end up usually sleeping with each other and then it becomes this disaster. That's just what I've seen throughout my twenties. And with this show, people are like "Hey you should play that 'will they or won't they' think with Grayson and Jules and really play it out" and I'm like "Why would I play it out?" In my experience if a 40 year old lives across the street from a 42 year old and they're both single and attracted to each other and are adults, they don't pretend and flirt and not hookup for five years because that's how TV shows are. They generally would get together and then for us as writers as long as it's funny and there are stories to tell and it's working then they'll stay together. If it doesn't seem like it's working, and it doesn't seem funny or dynamic, we'll end them, and we won't play it back and forth, back and forth. But for us right now, it's kind of a cool color on both of them.

TVF: You've had guest stars from both Friends and Scrubs appear on the show. Are there any other familiar faces we can hope to see or any stars you'd give anything to get?

BL: I have this friends and family policy, which is generally. I like bringing guest stars on here to be funny. If we're gonna take the time to write something funny for someone, it's got to be someone I know and like. The people that will be coming on the show will be people from my old shows sometimes because I like to work with them again. As far as special guest stars, I always wanted to get John Cusack, a friend of ours, on Scrubs. He said he'd do it and he never did, so I'm always after him for that. He's such an iconic figure, for a writer like me, I'd love to get the chance to work with him sometime. I'd like to get some more Scrubs people on here. The rest of this season there's a couple of cool stars, Ken Jenkins from Scrubs comes back as Jules' dad in an episode I really, really like; Nia Vardalos, who is Ian Gomez' wife, she comes on and plays his sister-in-law but she really wants to [sleep with] him, it's a really funny story.  And then my favorite guest star this year, which will make some people's brains explode, is Sam Lloyd in the finale plays Ted Buckland from Scrubs, he reprises that character in the finale. It makes me laugh. He lives in Hawaii, he got his heart broken by his girl and he makes a living, with a guitar and he can take any happy song and make it depressing, and he basically wanders around doing that.

TVF: That sounds fantastic! Is there anything else you would like for our readers to know about the show and the final episodes for the season?

BL: The only thing I'd tell you is I really try to reward fans, there's a lot of Easter eggs and opportunities for interaction with the cast and crew in this last group of episodes; in one of them Busy Philipps' character puts out her Twitter address that people can already follow now, it's called @theLarmy which stands for The Laurie  Army. When she starts talking about it, people occasionally see her tweeting during shows, and when that happens, the writers will be doing live content during the shows as her character. And there's stuff like that the rest of the year. If you're a Community fan, you should watch out for our response to what Community did.

TVF: I'm gonna go follow her right now. Thanks again for taking the time to chat with us, and on a personal note, I just wanted to say that my favorite episode ever of Spin City was when you had Jennifer Garner on.

BL: (laughs) I always try to take credit for launching her career but she was just awesome man. I love her, she's a nice gal.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Don't forget to watch a brand new episode of Cougar Town tonight in its regularly scheduled time slot after Modern Family at 9:30/8:30c and then come back here shortly after for our review!

IT'S 4/20! And for certain readers, the obvious nightlife picks are Coheed and Cambria at 9:30 or Pantha Du Prince at U Hall. But for local-music boosters, whether they're still nursing a grudge that Georgie James broke up or are being the bigger person about all this, there's no choice but Title Tracks at Black Cat, where John Davis will unleash TT's fantastic new album In Blank. (Listen here.)

CHARLIE SHEEN AT CONSTITUTION HALL NEWS AFTER THE JUMP!

Amanda Hess, TBD's "sex and gender" writer, was at the Charlie Sheen show last night and will be putting up a fuller report once she gets her @#$*&%^ video edited. She does send a few nuggets:

• FROM THE HECKLERS: "You suck!"; "QUACK! QUACK! QUACK!"; "swallowing!"; "it's called rehearsal!"; "John Stamos!"; "Charlie Sheen! Shut the fuck up and say something weird!"; "Charlie Sheen! I wish Tom Berenger were here to kick your ass!"; "Strippers!"

• OVERHEARD IN THE CROWD: "Those couple of sluts are looking good"; "If anyone touches my drink, would you kick him in the mouth for me?"; "Look at them jiggle. Hey, girl in the shirt!"; "I'm gonna get married to a skank."

• FAN QUESTION: "What's the coolest fucking shit you've ever done in your entire life?"
SHEEN'S DISINGENUOUS ANSWER: "I'd have to put tonight in the front of that list."

• SHEEN ON CONSTITUTION HALL: "I understand it's got some fucking history. I've got a fucking history too. This could be the right venue."

In the Post, Dan Zak notes that Tariq and Michaele Salahi signed autographs in the lobby, "where they inadvertently created the event-horizon of a cultural black hole."

MORE NEWS:

• The Dude makes a solo album: Jeff Bridges records with T-Bone Burnett; album planned for late summer release by Blue Note (cue jazz fan morose reverie).

SPEAKING OF SAD JAZZ FANS: Richard Williams has a nicely turned obituary in the Guardian of London record-store owner Ray Smith, whose stock at Collet's Record Shop, later rechristened Ray's Jazz Shop, "ranged 'from George Lewis to George Lewis' – in other words, from a New Orleans clarinettist of the most traditional kind to a highly experimental New York trombonist and composer of the same name." Smith organized a cricket team of jazz musicians, which as one of my friends has pointed out on twitter, is better than a jazz band made up of cricket players.

• RECORD STORE DAY, CONT. For Goats. Not for women.

• ANN POWERS ON JENNIFER EGAN: NPR pop critic says Egan, whose A Visit From the Goon Squad is a music critic, or maybe even a musician, in disguise: Egan "has done what great pop music makers do: she's made a story that runs through multiple channels, hooking you with highly engaging characters, working the groove of an engrossing narrative, layering riffs and samples from contemporary literature within her experimental prose style. I'd nominate her for a Grammy if I could."

• BIRDER MUSIC FANS: British Sea Power's Martin Noble talks turkey with Washington City Paper's Nevin Martell. "I’m the only major bird watcher and the rest of the band gets a little irritated that we’re called the bird-watching band. They want me to tone it down a bit, but I still got the birds in there." (How was the show last night? Anyone? Anyone?)

• ATTENTION ANYONE WRITING ABOUT PLANET OF THE APES REMAKE. Get it straight: Monkeys and apes are not the same thing. Martin Robbins explains, giving great rule of thumb: "Monkeys leap around in trees and crap on your head from a great height. If an ape is crapping on your head, the chances are your head is planted in the ground with 450lbs of ape on top of it."

RELATED: Is Curious George a chimp or a monkey?

Kelly Reichardt's new frontier story Meek's Cutoff tilts decisively toward socially-minded existentialism

THURS/21

Beginners (Mike Mills, U.S., 2010) There is nothing conventional about Beginners, a film that starts off with the funeral arrangements for one of its central characters. That man is Hal (Christopher Plummer), who came out to his son Oliver (Ewan McGregor) at the ripe age of 75. Through flashbacks, we see the relationship play out — Oliver's inability to commit tempered by his father's tremendous late-stage passion for life. Hal himself is a rare character: an elderly gay man, secure in his sexuality and, by his own admission, horny. He even has a much younger boyfriend, played by the handsome Goran Visnjic. While the father-son bond is the heart of Beginners, we also see the charming development of a relationship between Oliver and French actor Anna (Melanie Laurent). It all comes together beautifully in a film that is bittersweet but ultimately satisfying. Beginners deserves praise not only for telling a story too often left untold, but for doing so with grace and a refreshing sense of whimsy. Thurs/21, 7 p.m., Castro. (Louis Peitzman)

FRI/22

The Good Life (Eva Mulvad, Denmark, 2010) Portraits of the formerly wealthy are often guilty of peddling secondhand nostalgia for some ancien regime while simultaneously stoking schadenfreude toward the now-deposed (just ask Vanity Fair). Eva Mulvad's melancholy character study of 50-something Annemette Beckmann and her aged mother, Mette, avoids both traps even as her subjects — formerly wealthy Danish expats living on the dole in a cramped apartment in a coastal Portuguese town — offer few inroads for sympathy. Narcissistic and petulant, Annemette blames the loss of her family's wealth on the 1974 nationalization of Portugal's then-Communist government, and claims that her cosseted upbringing has made it hard to find a job ("Work doesn't become me," she gratingly protests at one point). Mette, who is more likeable, is a resigned realist whose sole comfort, aside from the pet dog, seems to be her knowledge that she is not long for this world. Comparisons to Grey Gardens (1975) are inevitable here, but the Beckmanns simply aren't as interesting or possessed by as idiosyncratic a joie de vivre as the Beales, making The Good Life a tough slog. Fri/22, 3:45 p.m.; April 28, 6:45 p.m.; and May 1, 9:30 p.m., Kabuki. (Matt Sussman)

Hahaha (Hong Sang-soo, South Korea, 2010) Do you remember a time you behaved badly (not horribly, but bad enough that you felt ashamed) but you didn't really think about it until long after the fact, say, when getting drinks with an old friend? If you can't, than the latest from South Korean director Hong Sang-soo will probably jog your memory. As with many of Hong's films, Hahaha's premise is similar to the above scenario: two 30-something buds get together and reminisce about their recent trips to the same seaside town. Shown in episodic flashbacks, we start to realize that the incidents and players in their separate accounts overlap into one story filled with terrible poetry, domineering mothers, stalker-ish behavior, and poorly made choices. Hong's films are primers in how not to treat your fellow human beings (straight dudes are usually the culprits), so take notes. Fri/22, 9:15 p.m.; Mon/25, 9 p.m.; and Tues/26, 3:30 p.m., Kabuki. (Sussman)

I'm Glad My Mother is Alive (Claude Miller and Nathan Miller, France, 2009) Codirected with his son Nathan, this latest by veteran French director Claude Miller is an about-face from his acclaimed 2007 period epic A Secret. Viscerally up-to-the-moment in content and handheld-camera style, it's a small story that builds toward an enormous punch. Thomas (played by Maxime Renard as a child, then Vincent Rottiers) is a lifelong malcontent whose troubles are rooted in his abandonment at age five by an irresponsible mother (Sophie Cattani). Neither the attentions of well-meaning adoptive parents or the influence of his better-adjusted younger brother can quell Thomas' mix of furious resentment and curiosity toward his mere, whom he finally develops a relationship with as a young adult. As usual, Miller doesn't "explain" his characters or let them explain themselves, yet everything feels emotionally true — right up to a narrative destination both that feels both shocking and inevitable. Fri/22, 6:45 p.m., and Mon/25, 9:30 p.m., Kabuki. (Dennis Harvey)

Meek's Cutoff (Kelly Reichardt, U.S., 2010) After three broke down road movies (1994's River of Grass, 2006's Old Joy, 2008's Wendy and Lucy), Kelly Reichardt's new frontier story tilts decisively toward socially-minded existentialism. It's 1845 on the choked plains of Oregon, miles from the fertile valley where a wagon train of three families is headed. They've hired the rogue guide Meek to show them the way, but he's got them lost and low on water. When the group captures a Cayeuse Indian, Solomon proposes they keep him on as a compass; Meek thinks it better to hang him and be done with it. The periodic shots of the men deliberating are filmed from a distance — the earshot range of the three women (Michelle Williams, Zoe Kazan, and Shirley Henderson) who set up camp each night. It's through subtle moves like these that Meek's Cutoff gives a vivid taste of being subject to fate and, worse still, the likes of Meek. Reichardt winnows away the close-ups, small talk, and music that provided the simple gifts of her earlier work, and the overall effect is suitably austere. Fri/22, 9 p.m., and Mon/25, 4:30 p.m., Kabuki. (Max Goldberg)

Stake Land (Jim Mickle, U.S., 2010) Not gonna lie — the reason I wanted to review this one was because of the film still in the SFIFF catalog. Rotten-faced vampire with a stake through its neck? Yes, please! But while Jim Mickle's apocalyptic road movie does offer plenty of gore, it's more introspective than one might expect, following an orphaned teenage boy, Martin (Connor Paolo, Serena's little bro on Gossip Girl), and his gruff mentor, Mister (Snake Plissken-ish Nick Damici), on their travels through a ravaged America. As books, films, and comics have taught us, whenever a big chunk of the human race is wiped out (thanks to zombies, vampires, an unknown cataclysm, etc.), the remaining population will either be good (heroic, like Mister and Martin, or helpless, like the stragglers they rescue, including a nun played by Kelly McGillis), or evil — cannibals, rapists, religious nuts, militant survivalists, etc. Stake Land doesn't throw many curveballs into its end-times narrative, but it's beautifully shot and doesn't hold back on the brutality. Larry Fessenden (director of 2006's The Last Winter) produced and has a brief cameo as a helpful bartender. Fri/22, 11:30 p.m., and Mon/25, 9:45 p.m., Kabuki. (Cheryl Eddy)

SAT/23

The Autobiography of Nicolae Ceausescu (Andrei Ujica, Romania, 2010) Andrei Ujica's three-hour documentary uses decades of propagandic footage to let the late Romanian dictator — who was overthrown by popular revolt and executed in 1989 — hang himself with his own grandiose image-making. While the populace suffered (off-screen, you might want to bone up on the facts before seeing this ironical, commentary-free portrait), the "great leader" and his wife Elena were constantly seen holding state dances, playing volleyball, hunting bear, and vacationing hither and yon. (We even see them on the Universal Studios tour.) There's no surprise in seeing them greeted with enormous pageantry in China; but it's a little shocking to see this tyrant welcome Nixon (in the first-ever U.S. presidential visit to a Communist nation), lauded by Jimmy Cartner, and hobnobbing with Queen Elizabeth. This grotesque parade of self-glorifying public moments has a happy ending, however. Sat/23, 12:45 p.m., Kabuki; Sun/24, 5:15 p.m., New People; May 1, 1:30 p.m., PFA. (Harvey)

Life, Above All (Oliver Schmitz, South Africa/Germany, 2010) It's tough enough to simply grow up, let alone care for a parent with AIDS and deal with the suspicions and fears of the no-nothing adults all around you. Rising above easy preaching and hand-wringing didacticism, Life, Above All takes as its blueprint the 2004 best-seller by Allan Stratton, Chandra's Secrets, and makes compelling work of the story of 12-year-old Chandra (Khomotso Manyaka) and her unfortunate family, unable to get effective help amid the thicket of ignorance regarding AIDS in Africa. After her newborn sister dies, Chandra finds her loyalty torn between her bright-eyed best friend Esther (Keaobaka Makanyane), who's rumored to hooking among the truck drivers in their dusty, sun-scorched rural South African hometown, and her mother (Lerato Mvelase), who listens far too closely to her bourgie friend Mrs. Tafa (an OTT Harriet Manamela), for her own good. Cape Town native director Oliver Schmitz sticks close to the action playing across his actors' faces, and he's rewarded, particularly by the graceful Manyaka, in this life-affirmer about little girls forced to shoulder heart-breaking responsibility far too soon. Sat/23, 4 p.m., and April 28, 6 p.m., Kabuki. (Kimberly Chun)

The Mill and the Cross (Lech Majewski, Poland/Sweden, 2010) One of the clichés often told about art is that it is supposed to speak to us. Polish director Lech Majewski's gorgeous experiment in bringing Flemish Renaissance painter Peter Bruegel's sprawling 1564 canvas The Procession to Calvary to life attempts to do just that. Majeswki both re-stages Bruegel's painting — which draws parallels between its depiction of Christ en route to his crucifixion and the persecution of Flemish citizens by the Spanish inquisition's militia — in stunning tableaux vivant that combine bluescreen technology and stage backdrops, and gives back stories to a dozen or so of its 500 figures. Periodically, Bruegel himself (Rutger Hauer) addresses the camera mid-sketch to dolefully explain the allegorical nature of his work, but these pedantic asides speak less forcefully than Majeswki's beautifully lighted vignettes of the small joys and many hardships that comprised everyday life in the 16th century. Beguiling yet wholly absorbing, this portrait of a portrait is like nothing else at the festival. Sat/23, 12:30 p.m., SFMOMA, and April 27, 9 p.m., Kabuki. (Sussman) Mind the Gap Experimental film fans: come for the big names, but don't miss out on the newcomers. Locals Jay Rosenblatt (melancholy found-footage bio The D Train), Kerry Laitala (psychedelic 3-D brain-dazzler Chromatastic), and Skye Thorstenson (mannequin-horror music video freak out Tourist Trap, featuring the acting and singing stylings of the Guardian's Johnny Ray Huston) offer strong entries in an overall excellent program. International bigwigs Peter Tscherkassky (the 25-minute Coming Attractions, a layered study of airplanes, Hollywood, and Hollywood airplanes — not for the crash-phobic) and Jonathan Caouette ("Lynchian" has been used to describe the Chloë Sevigny-starring All Flowers In Time, though it contains a scary-faces contest that'd spook even Frank Booth) are also notable. New names for me were Zachary Drucker, whose Lost Lake introduces a transsexual, pervert-huntin' vigilante for the ages, and my top pick: Kelly Sears' Once it started it could not end otherwise, a deliciously sinister hidden-history lesson imagined via 1970s high-school yearbooks. Sat/23, 4:45 p.m., and May 1, 9:45 p.m., Kabuki. (Eddy)

The Troll Hunter (André Ovredal, Norway, 2010) Yes, The Troll Hunter riffs off The Blair Witch Project (1999) with both whimsy and, um, rabidity. Yes, you may gawk at its humongoid, anatomically correct, three-headed trolls, never to be mistaken for grotesquely cute rubber dolls, Orcs, or garden gnomes again. Yes, you may not believe, but you will find this lampoon of reality TV-style journalism, and an affectionate jab at Norway's favorite mythical creature, very entertaining. Told that a series of strange attacks could be chalked up to marauding bears, three college students (Glenn Erland Tosterud, Tomas Alf Larsen, and Johanna Morck) strap on their gumshoes and choose instead to pursue a mysterious poacher Hans (Otto Jespersen) who repeatedly rebuffs their interview attempts. Little did the young folk realize that their late-night excursions following the hunter into the woods would lead at least one of them to rue his or her christening day. Ornamenting his yarn with beauty shots of majestic mountains, fjords, and waterfalls, Norwegian director-writer André Ovredal takes the viewer beyond horror-fantasy — handheld camera at the ready — and into a semi-goofy wilderness of dark comedy, populated by rock-eating, fart-blowing trolls and overshadowed by a Scandinavian government cover-up sorta-worthy of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (2009). Sat/23, 11:30 p.m., Kabuki; Mon/25, 6:15 p.m., New People. (Chun)

World on a Wire (Rainer Werner Fassbinder, Germany, 1973) The words "Rainer Werner Fassbinder" and "science fiction film" are enough to get certain film buffs salivating, but the Euro-trashy interior décor is almost reason enough to see this restored print of the New German Cinema master's cyber thriller. Originally a two-part TV miniseries, World on a Wire is set in an alternate present (then 1973) in which everything seems to be made of concrete, mirror, Lucite, or orange plastic. When the inventor of a supercomputer responsible for generating an artificial world mysteriously disappears, his handsome predecessor must fight against his corporate bosses to find out what really happened, and in the process, stumbles upon a far more shattering secret about the nature of reality itself. Riffing off the understated cool of Godard's Alphaville (1965) while beating 1999's The Matrix to the punch by some 25 years, World on a Wire is a stylistically singular entry in Fassbinder's prolific filmography. Sat/23, 8:45 p.m., Kabuki, and April 30, 2 p.m., PFA. (Sussman) SUN/24

A Cat in Paris (Alain Gagnol and Jean-Loup Felicioli, France/Belgium/Netherlands/Switzerland, 2010) Save your pocket poodles, please: Paris, as cities go, is most decidedly feline. From 1917's silent serial Les Vampires to its uber-cool 1990s update Irma Vep, cat burglars and the Parisian skyline have gone together like café and au lait. Add actual cats and jazz to the mix for good measure (even Disney saw fit to set its jazzy 1970 Aristocats in the City of Light). At just over an hour long, the animated A Cat in Paris is an enjoyable little amuse-bouche that employs all the standards of the cats-in-Paris meme: Billie Holiday warbling on the soundtrack, a dashingly heroic antihero who scales the rooftops as if he studied parkour under Spider-Man, and the titular untamable black cat who serves as his partner in crime. Complete with a climatic Hitchcockian set piece on the rooftops of Notre Dame Cathedral, A Cat in Paris has a refreshingly angular and graphic, almost cubist, feel. Directors Alain Gagnol and Jean-Loup Felicioli's work certainly doesn't rank among that of countryman Sylvain Chomet (2010's The Illusionist), but this family film is worth checking out if kitties up to no good in Purr-ree simply make you want to le squee. Sun/24, 12:30 p.m., Kabuki, and May 1, 12:30 p.m., New People. (Michelle Devereaux)

MON/25

Cave of Forgotten Dreams (Werner Herzog, U.S., 2010) The latest documentary from Werner Herzog once again goes where no filmmaker — or many human beings, for that matter — has gone before: the Chauvet-Pont-d'Arc Cave, a heavily-guarded cavern in Southern France containing the oldest prehistoric artwork on record. Access is highly restricted, but Herzog's 3D study is surely the next best thing to an in-person visit. The eerie beauty of the works leads to a typically Herzog-ian quest to learn more about the primitive culture that produced the paintings; as usual, Herzog's experts have their own quirks (like a circus performer-turned-scientist), and the director's own wry narration is peppered with random pop culture references and existential ponderings. It's all interwoven with footage of crude yet beautiful renderings of horses and rhinos, calcified cave-bear skulls, and other time-capsule peeks at life tens of thousands of years ago. The end result is awe-inspiring. Mon/25, 7 p.m., and Tues/26, 9:30 p.m., Kabuki. (Eddy)

TUES/26

Nostalgia for the Light (Patricio Guzmán, France/Chile/Germany, 2010) Chile's Atacama Desert, the setting for Patricio Guzmán's lyrically haunting and meditative documentary, is supposedly the driest place on earth. As a result, it's also the most ideal place to study the stars. Here, in this most Mars-like of earthly landscapes, astronomers look to the heavens in an attempt to decode the origins of the universe. Guzmán superimposes images from the world's most powerful telescopes — effluent, gaseous nebulas, clusters of constellations rendered in 3-D brilliance — over the night sky of Atacama for an even more otherworldly effect, but it's the film's terrestrial preoccupations that resonate most. For decades, a small, ever dwindling group of women have scoured the cracked clay of Atacama searching for loved ones who disappeared early in Augusto Pinochet's regime. They take their tiny, toy-like spades and sift through the dirt, finding a partial jawbone here, an entire mummified corpse there. Guzmán's attempt through voice-over to make these "architects of memory," both astronomers and excavators alike, a metaphor for Chile's reluctance to deal with its past atrocities is only marginally successful. Here, it's the images that do all the talking — if "memory has a gravitational force," their emotional weight is as inescapable as a black hole. Tues/26, 6:30 p.m., Kabuki, and April 28, 6:15 p.m., PFA. (Devereaux)

The Sleeping Beauty (Catherine Breillat, France, 2010) Fairytales are endemically Freudian; perhaps it has something to with their use of subconscious fantasy to mourn — and breathlessly anticipate — the looming loss of childhood. French provocateuse Catherine Breillat's feminist re-imagining of The Sleeping Beauty carries her hyper-sexualized signature, but now she also has free reign to throw in bizarre and beastly metaphors for feminine and masculine desire in the form of boil-covered, dungeon-dwelling ogres, albino teenage princes, and icy-beautiful snow queens. The story follows Anastasia, a poor little aristocrat, who longs to be a boy (she calls herself "Sir Vladimir"). When her hand is pricked with a yew spindle (more of a phallic impalement, really), Anastasia falls into a 100-year adventurous slumber, eventually awakening as a sexually ripe 16-year-old. It all plays like an anchorless, Brothers Grimm version of Sally Potter's 1992 Orlando. And while it's definitely not for the kiddies, it's hard to believe that many adults would find its overt symbolism and plodding narrative any more than a sporadically entertaining exercise in preciousness. Your own dreams will undoubtedly be more interesting — perhaps you can catch a few zzz's in a theater screening this movie. Tues/26, 6:15 p.m., and April 27, 6:30 p.m., Kabuki. (Devereaux)

THE 54TH ANNUAL SAN FRANCISCO INTERNATIONAL FILM FESTIVAL runs April 21–May 5. Venues are the Sundance Kabuki, 1881 Post, SF; Castro, 429 Castro, SF; New People, 1746 Post, SF; San Francisco Museum of Modern Art, 151 Third, SF; and Pacific Film Archive, 2575 Bancroft, SF. For tickets (most shows $13) and complete schedule visit www.sffs.org>.

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Hello, this is Sergio Ordóñez from SOSFactory and this time I’m going to talk about my workflow used to design mascots for websites. This process in this article was described in real time as I created the designs. Let’s look at this more closely.

This article was originally published on Psdtuts in September of 2008.

Introduction

This time I wrote this post as the job was being developed. This way you’re going to see how the order is developed, from the first sketches to the final result, I hope I won’t miss anything… What stress!

Also, notice this is not a Photoshop tutorial where I explain everything in depth (for that I already wrote a really detailed tutorial about mascot design in Photoshop). My goal here is to show the way I work. Below is the final design I did for Mafia Death.

About the Client

I want to keep your attention, so to give it a mysterious touch, I’ll just drop some info:

• Client: Mafia Death, an online game based on mafia stories.
• Order: Design of five characters and design of logotype. The characters must work separately and jointly.

Descriptions:

1. The Boss: The family’s chief, he only has to raise his eyebrow and you are a dead man. He is not very talkative, not specially strong physically… His better weapon is his brain.
2. The Bodyguard: He is the brawny of the team, the one who fixes the loose ends. His favorite sound? The crack of a breaking neck. If you notice him parking in front of your house, you have less than 10 minutes to make your last will.
3. The Latin-Lover: He is in charge to negotiate the important deals. A smart guy, attractive, athletic, with a fine taste for clothing and women, latin appearance and charm. He has a weakness for blondes and is quite independent. If you go out at night with him, tell your parents you won’t arrive home before noon.
4. The Girl: Only her sensuality matches her wickedness, she is cold and calculating. She is a precision weapon. She succeeds both between men and women. The last one who mentioned her affinity with Angelina Jolie is dead.
5. The little mad guy: His slogan is: "Surviving is irrelevant, what really matters is how many ones you can annihilate". His mind is so insane that he is only useful in desperate missions. Joe Pesci fan. One more important thing: Don’t ask about his scar.

Summary

1. Sketching the First Three Characters
2. Sketches of the Rest of the Team
3. Scene Composition
4. Cleaning the Sketches
5. Inking the Characters
6. Coloring The Boss
7. Coloring The Latin-Lover and The girl
8. Coloring The Little Mad Guy and The Bodyguard
9. Final Illustration
10. Closing Words

Day 1: Sketching the First Three Characters

I love Mafia films, so I didn’t need to look for any references and we directly went for the sketches. Mi idea was to find a mid point between the elegance of “The Godfather” and the modernity and daily look of “The Sopranos”.

I asked my friend Miguel Ruiz to help me with the sketches, I sent him descriptions for each character and the image below is what he sent me back.

The first thing that hits you in the eye is the style, it is not the usual SOSFactory style. But don’t worry, because in the end everything will match. What really matters now is the character´s attitude, their pose, facial expression, the clothing… that each character transmits what it must transmit (have a look to the descriptions at the beginning of this post):

1. The Boss: I think this one is great, it is exactly what we need. He has a relaxed pose but transmits a lot of strength by his look. His legs look a bit short to me and his waist is a bit wide, but it is an excellent starting point.
2. The Bodyguard: I think this character is quite good too. I’d like to put all the characters on a horizontal line so I’ll have to modify a bit his right leg, which is a bit short. The hands pose doesn’t satisfy me, and I have to work a bit on the left arm musculature too. The face looks perfect to me.
3. The Latin-Lover: This character is going to need quite a lot of work. I like the pose but it’s too lateral, there is very little space left for the chest, so it won’t look good. We don’t have place for the gun either, so we’ll put him in a ¾ pose, a little more frontal. I don’t like the feet pose at all, we’ll put them in a 90 degrees angle. The face has to be retouched too, I need him to be more attractive.

Summary of the day: I like the sketches, they have to be improved technically, but they transmit the proper attitudes, specially the first two ones. The third one has to be almost completely redone.

See you tomorrow!!!!!!!

Day 2: Sketches of the Rest of the Team

1. The Girl: From this character I like the facial expression, but she looks too classical. I’d rather something more modern and sensual, I think we’ll have to make many changes.
2. “The little Mad Guy”: I like his attitude, but technically it’s quite improvable. The hand of the gun is too short; the hand that holds the cigar is too close to the body, we’ll separate it to make the pose clearer; the waist is too wide, it has to be slimmed a bit. He looks too young, I need an older character.

Summary of the day: We already have 5 character´s sketched, the first 2 ones are good, for the rest I’ll make many changes. If I had time I would have made the sketches myself, but because of the circumstances (I’m really busy) the investment was worth the effort.

Tomorrow I’ll make the scene composition. Regards!!

Day 3: Scene Composition

We already have all the team members, now we have to line them up looking for a good composition. I think the central character should be the Boss, the Bodyguard on his right (his right hand man), on his left the negotiator (completing the trio of important characters), by his side will be the girl (we add a bit of sexual tension) and the shortish guy on the opposite side to balance the composition.

Summary of the day: We already have the scene composition, together they look very promising, much better than I expected. From now on I will retouch each character.

Let’s have fun!

Day 4: Cleaning the Sketches

In this step, I try to fix the stuff I commented on from Day 2, I use my Wacom Cintiq and Photoshop, from this point everything I do is digital. I use old sketches, references from other designs or photos, I draw once and again until everything is well defined. Under each drawing you can find the corrections we talked about in Day 2.

The Boss: I made his legs longer, I reduced the waist a bit, I added some details to his suit, I defined the volumes a bit and I retouched the face.

The Bodyguard: I mainly worked on the torso. Notice that I lowered his arms to make his face clearer. I retouched his left arm and I corrected a bit the tallness of his legs.

The Latin-Lover: This character is almost completely redone. I made a little more frontal pose and I lowered his arms to gain some space in the chest area. I drew his legs in a smarter pose, and I gave him a more attractive face.

The Girl: From this character I only kept the facial expression. Luckily I had a sketch I hadn’t used before, and it fit quite well. Now she’s much more sensual and has a more modern look. I used Angelina Jolie as a reference.

The Little Mad Guy: I also changed this character almost completely. The arm that holds the gun was too short so I separated it a bit from the body. I separated the gun with the cigar too, this way the silhouette is much clearer. I stylized the pose with a narrower waist and separating his legs (a much more active pose), I added a clearer scar and a more pronounced chin.

Summary of the day: The first two characters were easy to correct, from the third I re-drew them… Everything is going as I expected.

Let’s continue tomorrow

Day 5: Inking the Characters

We already have all the characters ready, now it’s time clean the lineart. I entrusted this to my buddy Carlos Gomez, he’s very clean at drawing. He draws everything with pencil and then I ink his lines and I retouch them until everything is perfect, you can see the progress below.

Click the image below to see a bigger "step by step" image.

I already explained a lot of things about digital drawing in other tutorials, so I wont repeat it again. As you can see in this video there is no secret tips, just practice.

Summary of the day: After a week of vacation in Berlin, I’m back to work. The drawings are ready for the coloring, this is gonna be really fun.

Regards!!!

Day 6: Coloring The Boss

As you surely know, the color is my speciality, it’s what I like best and the part I spend more time at. I usually color with a cartoon style, with very bright colors, but in this case I think that more moderated colors will fit better, funny but mysterious, with very contrasted dark tones.

I made a first version with cold colors, it looks OK, but I think that with warmer colors, and more “worn out” tones, it matches better with the theme. Don’t think I colored it all again from the beginning, I used the Photoshop correction tool (Command + B) and I added a bit of Cyan and Green. Easy, isn’t it?

I already did a tutorial about digital color, so I wont repeat everything again, instead you can see how I work in this video tutorial below.

Summary of the day: after many hours of testing, the color looks great, the challenge is now to compound the scene to make the 5 characters work as a whole.

Tomorrow, more!!

Day 7: Coloring the Latin-Lover and the Girl

Now that I have defined the color palette I can work faster. The characters still look good to me separately, but too laden when I put them together. That’s because I decided to soften a bit the colors, here goes the second character – ready!

And here we have the girl. She looks great but we have a problem. The most eye-catching color range is the one on the right, but the more coherent with the rest of the characters is the one on the left. My choice would be to sacrifice the character for the sake of the illustration, but the client doesn’t agree… We’ll see what happens.

Summary of the day: We have already finished the most difficult part, to choose the color ranges, so I’m going quite fast and I’m feeling comfortable. I expect that as I continue working the color will be improved.

Let’s continue tomorrow!!!

Day 8: Coloring the Little Mad Guy and the Bodyguard

Alright mates, I finally finished all the characters

I’m specially proud of the last two ones, they are exactly as I imagined them at first. Unfortunately, I only achieved this from the third character (although the first ones are not bad at all). Notice that these characters look good separately, but because of the softer color and a less contrasted source of light, they are more harmonic and will look better when we compose the scene.

The worst part of this character was the musculature… Ufff!!! But it’s finally looking good. I also corrected the position of the hands.

Summary of the day: The last two characters were beautiful, quick and fun to make, I finally got it. After five characters with this color style, I think I can handle it, this will be very useful for me in the future.

Day 9: Final Illustration

At last, the great day, after many hours of work I can say the illustration is finished. I made some color corrections to unify each character. Click the image below to enlarge.

Summary of the day: As I expected, I had to make some adjustments to join the characters. I’m quite happy with the result and the client too. So another good piece for the SOSFactory portfolio.

Closing Words

Well mates, I hope it was useful and fun to read, I did my best. If you like this stuff I’m sure Psdtuts+ will invest more to have me writing for you again, so push the comments hard. Of course, if you have any questions I will answer with pleasure!

Thanks to David from Mafia Death for giving me permission to share this info, please give him some love and sign up to play his game.

Sergio Ordóñez on the Web: SOSFactory is my portfolio, SOSNewbie is my blog, sergitosuanez is my username on Deviantart, and 00SOSNewbie00 is my username on YouTube.

Chuck and Sarah may have gotten ripped off last night to the tune of $26,000, but that doesn't mean your favorite Chuck Round Table panelists are going do the same to you.  See what I did there?  Yeah, a bad a joke.

Anyways, Chuck critic Dan, hilarious physician Dr. Toboggan, and your fearless Round Table leader (myself) are back with this week's edition to analyze "Chuck Versus the Wedding Planner."  So take a seat while we fire up the overhead project and do this:

1. Favorite Chuck quotes of the evening?

Dan F:
Morgan: Today is the day John Casey.
Casey: What? You move out?
Morgan: No, who's gonna do your laundry?

Dr. Toboggan: Awesome: "Hey bro you're in neighborhood watch territory now. Go ahead, try and run, I will be faster because I have superior form."

Eric H: Mine is less of a quote and more of the ridiculous set up that led to pictures of Daphne Peralta posted up all throughout Castle as she was declared the country's biggest terrorist threat in three months.

2. Awesome with baby Clara strapped to his chest in a race against, well, anyone.  Who's gonna win?!

Dan F: Let's be serious...I'm taking Usain Bolt against Awesome and the baby, but if it were Awesome and Clara against Jack Burton, I really would go with Awesome and not just because has superior form.

Dr. Toboggan: Whoops, well see above....it's no contest.  Even with an infant strapped to his chest I do not want to get in his way, the guy's name is Awesome and let's not forget he has perfect running form.

Eric H: Fine, Dan, there may be an Olympic gold medalist or two that could defeat Awesome with baby Clara strapped to his chest.  But even with that handicap, I'd put him up against any creepy perp coming in to that neighborhood.  Put down baby Clara for a second?  That man might be able to take down the Flash.  Or at least Sheldon dressed as the Flash.

3. How would you describe Chuck flashing?

Dan F: I like to compare it to the face Shia Labeouf used to make in his Even Stevens days when he was interested in a girl.  It's kind of like your simultaneously scrunching up your face while un-scrunching it..

Dr. Toboggan: It's a mild seizure mixed with his tasting some fish that has sat out too long.

Eric H: I'm pretty sure Sarah nailed it with her cross-eyed, sour-puckering mouth.

4. Who did the better fake New York Jewish accent, Daphne Peralta or Sarah?

Dan F: Oh it has to be Sarah.  Yvonne has an Australian accent, and was doing a straight American accented person doing a New York Jewish accent.  One of the best we've seen since Robert Downey Jr. was an American playing an Australian playing an African-American playing an Asian during that one sequence of Tropic Thunder.

Dr. Toboggan: I guess Daphne by default.  Sarah just went with the most stereotypical voice she could muster up and as a Jew if I wasn't so infatuated with her I might have even been offended, but probably not.

Eric H: I don't care how many accents Sarah is hiding behind, there was nothing saving that impression from hurting my hears.  Unfortunately, Daphne and her Italian alias probably also should drop the accent.  How did Sarah even get conned by her!?  Anyways, I'm going to cheat and go with Mike Myers in his Coffee Talk skit.

5. Jeff recently went off on Chuck in TV On My Terms.  Defend our favorite nerd!

Dan F: Wait! Who is our favorite nerd?  Chuck?  Or is it Jeffrey?  While I completely understand where he's coming from, I'm still made that he chose to single out us loyal Chuck fans as the main culprit.  Give us a little slack over here.  What will we do without Morgan Grimes?!?

Dr. Toboggan: I understand what he is saying but I have to believe that eating all those Subway sandwiches was for more than just delicious nutrition.  I am also the first one to admit the show is not what it once was but when the alternative is horrible reality shows (not including Jersey Shore or NYC Prep - Bravo please bring that show back) and singing competitions I have to think that NBC can continue to make money off a goofy, funny, family appropriate spy show with a good message at it's core.

Eric H: Geesh, Jeff, have you never heard of character development!?  Sorry, Chuck lost you, but for the rest of us, no, we're not going to go outside and smell some roses or whatever when we can petition to watch Chuck!  Need I remind you how many disgustingly mediocre Subway sandwiches I've eaten thanks to Chuck?  Enough to make even Jared impressed.  See what I did there?  Gosh, who knew you guys were such a tough crowd.  Anyways, let's go creep out some Nielsen households and stalk the hell out of them!

Last month, the ACLU's Louise Melling blogged about how street harassment shames and humiliates women, and is underreported because of the stigma attached to it. While that blog was making the editing rounds here at the office, I shared my own story of how I dealt with a particularly obnoxious harasser, and my esteemed colleagues suggested I share it. Since April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month, after all, here it is. And there's gonna be swearing. I'm really sorry in advance (Mom).

I was walking to work last April, listening to a friend's CD and not thinking of much besides that I was a little late to work, and really ought to hustle to make my train. A dude passed me as I walked, and I didn't think much of that either.

All of a sudden...WHAM! Dude WALLOPED me on the backside and ran off.

No one saw it happen. But the gentle denizens of the Upper East Side sure knew something happened, because I let out an unholy yell and a good, throaty "FUCK YOU!!" I turned to see the dude hustling away in his blue and tan jacket and tan backpack.

I hesitated a moment. Did that really just happen? What should I do? Just go on with my day? I'm not sure I want to do that. And I'm pretty sure that if I just let this go, and act like it's no big deal, or it was "just a smack on the ass," I'm gonna feel pretty rotten about it for a long time to come. And my butt was really sore. He really went for it.

So I ran after the dude.

It's possible this guy was crazy. This was something I needed to determine, and also I wanted to get a description, since by this point I had decided that if I was going to be late to work pursuing this mofo, I was damn well gonna call the police. I caught up to him as he was going into the Citibank.

"Hey asshole!" He looked up. He was about 20. Clean-cut. Like he was on his way to school. He did not look crazy. I think he was surprised. I think he figured the five-foot-tall redhead in the sundress and Mary Janes would have just said "Oh my stars!" and scampered away. He does not know this five-foot-tall redhead.

"You think that shit is funny? You like hitting women, huh? You think that's the correct way to act? Whatsamatterwityou?" All of a sudden, I was Joe Pesci. I swear a lot when I'm nervous. It's a terrible habit. Perhaps you've caught on.

"Ma'am I don't know what you're talking about."

"You know goddamn well what I'm talking about. YOU DON'T HIT WOMEN, ASSHOLE." At this point I was screaming into the bank. The whole lobby was looking at me.

Dude got in my face. And this is where it gets kind of hilarious. "How dare you disrespect me in public?" he said. Oh. My. God. He. Did. Not. "I mean, call the police or something, but don't embarrass me like that. Fuck you."

It was now clear I was not necessarily dealing with a lunatic. But I was dealing with a moron.

"Good idea, buddy. I WILL call the police." I called 911 and told them about the incident and the coordinates.

While I was on the phone he got in my face again. "Fuck you, bitch."
Me: "Fuck ME? Fuck YOU!!!...

Me (to operator: "I'm sorry, ma'am it's just he's antagonizing me."

Him: "You calling the police?"

Me: "Goddamn right I am."

Him: "Fine. Fuck the police. Fuck you."

Me: "Tell 'em so yourself!"

He started walking away after that. The 911 lady advised me to stay put. Good call. I figured I had enough of him without backup. The police came a few minutes later, and I told them the story. I told them I knew they dealt with bigger things than this. But if it doesn't get reported, it will keep happening. And maybe we can scare this dude enough that that will be one less guy hitting women in the street. The cops had me ride around in the car with them to see if we could find them. (Incidentally, those squad cars? Absolutely no legroom to speak of. In case you ever need extra incentive to not get arrested. Not comfy.)

We couldn't find him, but the cops (there were four of them by the end of this) took my statement and contact info. They commended me on my description. Which is good, as that validates a lot of Law and Order viewing.

I'm realistic. I knew they were never going to arrest this guy. But here's the thing, and the point to this whole long, profane story. I know there are a lot of people who think it wasn't that big a deal. But the truth of the matter is, what this guy did was sexual assault. "Forcible touching and harassment," if you want to get specific.

Sexual assault doesn't always necessarily mean something as horrible as rape. And too often street harassment is unreported, and douchebags like this think they can get away with it because the girl is gonna be too embarrassed or too meek to do anything about it. Or they think it's "just a slap on the ass." And that's not right, you guys. I don't know how other women feel about their posteriors, but you don't very well get to smack the hell out of it willy-nilly because you feel entitled to do so. There will be repercussions.

To the NYPD's credit, they did follow up, and the detective told me that if I really wanted to press charges, she would help me do that, even if it meant looking through a lot of surveillance tape and looking at lineups and all that stuff. I opted not to, figuring that they had this guy's description, and if he did it again, he'd be in a lot of trouble. But something tells me he's not going to. I think I scared him. Or as the detective said, "So you ran up and confronted him and screamed at him in a bank."

"Yep."

"...Awesome."

I know what happened to me could have been a lot, lot worse. But someone doesn't have to be raped to be humiliated, violated and hurt. Sometimes, all it takes is a smack on the ass.

(Cross-posted to Feministing and Daily Kos.)

This recap is coming to you from Chicago, one of America’s most innovative food cities! (One of Chicago’s innovations is deep-dish pizza, the amazing pizza that is never good.) I’m here on family business, but I’m still ready to recap my face off. Speaking of: I dined at Chipotle last week! I ate a veggie burrito that weighed slightly less than a waterlogged canoe. Was it my imagination, or did the staff’s eyes widen in admiration and horror as I entered the restaurant? Has Dr. Chipotle faxed my picture to everyone in the Chipotle empire, telling them to treat me with absolute deference? Perhaps he’ll seduce me after all.

My mom: “What is Chipotle? Is it a restaurant?” (I’m watching this episode with my parents, aged 75 and 79.)

Bobby Flay and Lorena greet the contestants. They throw out some words: “Chicken nuggets;” “pizza;” “mac ‘n’ cheese.” What do these foods have in common, besides being unhealthy? Kids love them! This is important because “families and children drive the quick-casual business.” Our gang is tasked with creating a kid-friendly meal … and a toy that ties in to their restaurant. You can’t expect today’s savvy, sophisticated kids to eat food that doesn’t have enough sense to come with a toy! The contestants are told to “get creative and have fun,” which is exactly the kind of thing people love being told to do.

As our contestants get creative and have fun, Bobby Flay indulges in more of his bullshit recapping, which I will not recap, lest it open a hole in the space-time recaptinuum.

The gang visits a design studio called “Hot Buttered Elves,” whose name suggests the high-cholesterol consumption of deep-fried childhood innocence — and, as such, is perfect for what is essentially a bunch of hipsters who design cheap, junky toys to trick kids into eating cheap junk. Our contestants are invited to sit at a “Brainstorm Table” (SPOILER: It’s a regular table) and free their minds and just blue-sky beyond the realm of six sigma, or whatever jargon is currently in favor with people who should know better.

Stephenie, given her love of fresh ingredients and whole grains, wants to license a character called Pita Man. Pita Man. I didn’t think Stephenie could make me any more depressed, but she pulled it off. (Let’s not forget Pita Man’s equally fun sidekick, “Billy Catheter.”)

Greg and Krystal work with Hot Buttered Sellouts to design a lightning-bug character whose butt lights up, which kids will love, because nothing says “yummy food” like anal phosphorescence. Sudhir is in over his head with this challenge: He doesn’t have kids, “much to my mom’s sadness.” You and me both, brother! Sudhir goes on to say his mother is “praying to 1,000 gods” for him to have kids, and I suppose if Episcopalians had 1,000 gods, my mom would be hitting them up, too.

Joey, in brainstorming a toy for his Brooklyn Meatball Company, describes a “mathematical strategy game” his kids like, and it takes me a minute to realize he’s talking about Connect Four, which is a mathematical strategy game in the same way TV Guide is a literary journal, and by the way: Dude, how do you not know the name of Connect Four?

Everyone else gets a few minutes at the “Brainstorm Table,” but I refuse to write any more about this. Instead, I will beg my editor’s indulgence and paraphrase Bill Hicks: “Anyone involved in marketing or advertising for children, kill yourselves.”

Back in the kitchen, we learn that Jamawn was a fat kid; he wants to make a waffle sandwich because kids love waffles. (THIS IS IMPORTANT; remember this, reader, as our recap reaches its narrative and political climax.) Meanwhile Joey wants to smash turkey metballs into a sandwich so it’s easy to eat. (I say go for it.) Krystal argues with Grill’Billies chef Brandon over what to make. Mini Sloppy Joes? Brandon’s worried about dryness. Veggie burgers? Brandon doesn’t think kids will eat veggie burgers. Greg suggests grilling steak and kabob with citrus. Brandon: “That’s easy.” Krystal doesn’t like it. She wants a chicken dish. She walks away in a smoldering, bare-shouldered huff. It is easily the most erotic moment of the series.

FIRST COMMERCIAL BREAK:
I was excited to visit Chicago; my plan was to lurk outside Bobby Flay’s restaurant until the great man showed up, at which time I would pitch him my Kale City idea. When I discussed this plan with my brother (a Chicago foodie), he insisted Bobby Flay doesn’t have a Chicago restaurant. “Say what???” It was then we realized: All this time I had thought Bobby Flay was Charlie Trotter. Guys, that’s what we call an EPIC KALE FAIL.

BACK FROM COMMERCIAL:
The ANGR doomsday countdown clock reads 14:00:46:08. (If you read those numbers backwards in a Vatican mirror, you’ll learn the secret to the Pope’s wife’s lasagna recipe.)

Curtis Stone and Lorena stop by to test our chefs’ food. (My dad, re: Curtis Stone: “He needs a hair-comb.”) Jamawn’s waffle-and-sausage sandwich looks like it could kill a child at 50 paces. Curtis opines, “It might be a little risky.” Jamawn is encouraged to consider healthier alternatives, lest he be invaded by UNICEF.

Sudhir is making vegetarian Indian patties. (“I feel bad for children and what they are subjected to with chicken nuggets; it’s a travesty.”) Curtis and Lorena think the patties are too spicy. Sudhir is told to keep the spiciness at Level One, not Level Ten.

Stephenie tempts the judges with yogurt-ranch dressing and grilled chicken and some kind of apricot carbuncle. (I’m using the word “tempts” in the loosest possible way.) Why is the apricot so tart? Answer: Apricots aren’t in season! Curtis Stone calls out Stephenie’s chef for not knowing when apricots are in season, and by the way, what’s up with using canned chickpeas last week? Stephenie’s chef stands his ground and declares: “We have to use canned chickpeas all the time, no matter what.” GOOSEBUMPS. This is the strongest statement of principle in ANGR history — a chef standing athwart chickpeas, yelling stop. Curtis Stone says that if Stephenie wants fresh chickpeas, the chef’s skepticism is a “massive problem.” Curtis, to a fraught Stephenie: “I get the sense you’re doubting your concept.”

My dad offers Stephenie some helpful advice: “Just tell [Curtis Stone] he’s crazy.”

SECOND COMMERCIAL BREAK:
Family tensions run high as my dad continues slamming Curtis Stone: “I want to get that British guy off the show!”

I slam my drink down: “Excuse me! He’s from Australia! And he’s my favorite!” I feel like a preteen girl defending Justin Bieber, or a balding alcoholic defending Charlie Sheen.

BACK FROM COMMERCIAL:
The day of the investor test has arrived, as I was pretty sure it would. In a brief montage, Stephenie explains that her experience with ANGR has given her a sense of competence and confidence. In contrast, my experience with ANGR has given me a sense of darkness and futility. (Joke.) Joey calls his kids on speakerphone. His son asks: “Are you winning?” Joey: “I’m trying to!” Joey gets choked up talking about his kids and how he’s going for his dream. I bet Joey is a pretty awesome dad. I also bet he gets his ass kicked at Connect Four.

Something exciting happens: Everyone is pushing their food carts toward their pods, when Brandon (Grill’Billies chef) accidentally tips his cart over and kabobs go flying everywhere and he goes into a rage and starts kicking kabobs and using foul language. Greg and Krystal freak out and we go to commercial haunted by the image of broken kabobs being scooped off the floor by hand.

THIRD COMMERCIAL BREAK:
In happier times, my family visited the Art Institute of Chicago, where I found some investors for Kale City:

BACK FROM COMMERCIAL:
Everyone stands ready at their pods with their junky toys designed by our friends at Hot Buttered Elves. Greg laments his team’s “major malfunction.” Krystal adds: “I’m feeling horrible; I don’t like [the food] we’re putting out there — and half of it’s on the floor,” which is the kind of almost-humor that would destroy in a Catskills lounge.

All the kids come in with their parents. Bobby Flay introduces himself with a perfect absence of enthusiasm; the man is operating at zero degrees Kelvin. Lorena and Curtis state their names for the record, whereas Steve Ells leaps at the chance to tell these kids he invented Chipotle Grill! It’s like meeting Abraham Lincoln, huh, kids? In a surprise twist, Bobby Flay has brought along his preternaturally sophisticated daughter Sophie, who will offer feedback in the voice of a child, but with the wisdom of a thousand Batalis.

When it comes to food for children, Bobby Flay wants “something creative that doesn’t treat kids like kids.” Sudhir offers a toned-down Indian burger. Sophie Flay thinks Sudhir’s burger “is too … for lack of better word, mushy.” (“For lack of a better word?”) Bobby Flay, emboldened by his daughter’s judgment, forgets everything he just said about not treating kids like kids: “I’m skeptical that American kids will wanna eat Indian food.” Sure enough, we get a cutaway of some random girl: “Spice Coast is too, y’know, out there.” Really, kid? Too “out there”? Umm … you’re sitting around reading novels about vampires who don’t have sex.

Steve Ells is bonkers for Harvest Sol’s toy: Pete the Pita, which is like a whole-wheat version of the Bananagrams bag. He even makes a funny pita voice! (Steve Ells is a freak when the lights go down, I just know it.) Ells is looking for a toy that “engages kids to the brand,” which is the kind of phrase that should be illegal to think, let alone say. Sophie Flay, who is now the youngest person who has ever intimidated me, thinks chicken is “very common for kids.”

There is a brief family discussion about whether Sophie Flay has been fed her lines. My mom remarks upon the amount (number?) of makeup young Sophie is wearing. I take a sip of whiskey as my dad gives his considered take on Bobby Flay’s daughter: “She’s not really 14; she’s 20. She’s his mistress.”

It is only through superhuman control that I prevent said whiskey from making egress via my nose and destroying my computer. My dad FTW.

The toy for Soul Daddy is a corn-bread muffin that yells “Soul Daddy!” when you open it. Sophie Flay is flummoxed by the waffle/turkey-bacon sandwich: “What meal would you eat this for?” Curtis Stone: “The nutritional value is pretty low; would you wanna serve it to your kids?” Meanwhile, Dr. Chipotle is basically short-circuiting; he can’t taste anything but the waffle! It’s overpowering his system! He says Jamawn showed “no balance in the way he approached the kids’ menu,” before collapsing in a shower of sparks and whirring noises.

FOURTH COMMERCIAL BREAK:
In solidarity with the contestants, I designed a Kale City children’s menu for a kid I found at the mall:

He was skeptical at first; I guess because there was no cheap plastic tie-in toy?

I tried to comfort him by singing a jingle: “Kale, kale, yummy kale!” I’m not sure that helped:

But in the end he LOVED IT!

“Kale City: Turning infants into W.C. Fields since 2011.”

BACK FROM COMMERCIAL:
Holy mackerel: As the camera pans over Joey’s pod, there’s a fleeting glimpse of someone wearing a Misfits shirt! If Glenn Danzig is a surprise celebrity judge, I’ll eat my hair and all my muscles.

The judges think Joey’s toy is too expensive. (I assume they’re referring to the legal costs associated with completely ripping off Connect Four.) Joey is nervous about his “turkey smash-ball slider.” It pains me to see him so deferential to Bobby Flay’s daughter. However, Sophie loves the sandwich! Joey tears up: “Words can’t describe how happy that makes me.” I’m gonna buy Joey a thesaurus, because nobody should be at a loss for words just because some celebrity’s kid deigns to enjoy a sandwich.

The Grill’Billies toy is “Billy the Lightning Bug,” the amazing redneck bug whose butt lights up. Sophie Flay doesn’t like it. (My notes: “Sophie losing her appeal.”) Curtis Stone tastes the kebabs — they’re dry — and wonders why there’s no sauce. He adds, “This is some of the worst food I’ve eaten all competition.” Put that in your butt and light it. Bobby Flay is bugged out about kids using skewers. In the aftermath, Krystal and Brandon butt heads regarding why he’s not listening to her. As tensions rise, Brandon does what I would do — namely, bugs out and slinks away.

The contestants are brought into the judges’ chambers. (My family erupts in spontaneous laughter at the judges’ serious expressions.) Sophie Flay, thankfully, is absent. Good news for Joey: The kids “loved your concept”; he had the most silver coins “by a landslide margin.” (Did I mention they’re fucking around with the silver coins again?) Joey is so happy he starts crying. Stephenie’s safe, too: Curtis tells her she “stepped it up; the kids loved your food,” adding, “only nine of them needed to be institutionalized for depression after looking at Pete the Pita.” (Joke.)

Our losers? Greg and Krystal, Sudhir, and Jamawn. The judges devote the next five minutes to picking them apart.

Greg blames their horrible showing on “poor execution.” Krystal’s done with the corporate-speak — she blames the chef: “He doesn’t listen!” Bobby: “Then fire him!” Curtis Stone cuts to the quick: Who’s in charge of Grill’Billies? What’s the chain of command? Why is Stanley McChrystal standing in the corner of your pod badmouthing you? It is decided that Krystal will take charge from now on. After Greg and Krystal leave, Steve Ells says one of those sentences that sounds like it could be God describing Earth: “No one’s driving the vision for that concept.”

Sudhir’s up next. Bobby Flay: “How will we continue to believe in your concept if kids don’t like it?” Sudhir responds that he always geared his concept toward urban professionals, not “a bunch of snot-nosed children.” (Fake quote.) The judges worry that Americans won’t eat Indian food. (My notes: “bullshit pseudo-racist non-controversy.”) Curtis Stone then accuses Sudhir of being too jovial: “Are you taking this seriously?” Why is Curtis Stone being such a hard-ass tonight? Yeah, Sudhir, why aren’t you weeping and thrashing your back with old cheese graters for the delectation of the judges? You’re on a dopey reality show — how dare you enjoy yourself?

FIFTH COMMERCIAL BREAK:
Me: “What do you think of America’s Next Great Restaurant?”
Dad: “It’s crazy.”
Mom: “We’re missing Upstairs Downstairs.”

BACK FROM COMMERCIAL:
Jamawn looks defeated. He wants his time in front of the judges brief and to the point. Of course this won’t happen; there is a psychic pound of flesh to be had, and the judges will extract it with gleeful, leering pathos. When Jamawn laments that the challenge didn’t go his way, Bobby Flay helpfully reminds Jamawn that he used to play football; surely there were some games that didn’t go his way? Jamawn’s defense of his unhealthy kids’ menu is sad: “Where I come from, people just love soul food; they’re not looking at calories.” (There’s an entire sixth season of The Wire hiding, unexamined, in that statement.) The judges ask Jamawn if he thought about his three kids during the challenge, and Jamawn does exactly what ANGR’s producers hoped he would do: He shuffles around the room in tears. Curtis Stone, whose star is fading in my firmament, says some patronizing stuff to Jamawn about how, “no matter what happens,” he’s “a man people can be proud of.” Huh?

The investors deliberate about Jamawn. Curtis Stone: “Can you have too much passion? Bobby, you kinda had to talk him down off a ledge!” (A radical overstatement.) Meanwhile Lorena is “drawn to the passion Jamawn brings to the table” — big surprise; passion is like cocaine for the woman — “but he also has to be a businessman.” ENOUGH. I’m calling bullshit on how the judges are treating Jamawn. It’s patronizing and borderline racist. (YEAH, I SAID IT.) First they bait Jamawn with talk about his kids, and then — when he gets emotional like he’s supposed to — they wonder if he doesn’t have what it takes to run a business?! As if Jamawn is some sub-rational bundle of nerves who can’t think straight! Meanwhile, Joey’s running around crying like a busload of widows at a Celine Dion concert! The dude started crying because a teenage girl liked his sandwich. And what’s up with Curtis Stone reassuring Jamawn he’s a man people can look up to? He hasn’t condescended to any other contestant like that. Curtis Stone, I am so over you! My dad was right: You stink! You can forget about joining 120 Days of Skadom.

Are these judges a bunch of racists, or am I just in a dark and windy mood because I’m in Chicago?

Anyway, back to business. Sudhir is faulted by notorious racist Curtis Stone for not being passionate enough. Bobby Flay remains skeptical about “Indian food in the quick-casual market,” which is no surprise, because Bobby Flay is a total racist. (Question to my editor: Am I allowed to write stuff like this? I will totally stand behind it.) Bobby Flay is all for sophisticated food, you see, as long as it tastes White. Dr. Chipotle — TO HIS CREDIT — disagrees, reminding everyone once again that he invented Chipotle, the unstoppable host organism that introduced the ethnicity virus to the fast-casual market.

In the end, all this racist jawboning about Jamawn and Sudhir was a bait and switch, as Bobby Flay says, “I’m sorry, but my racist friends and I will not be investing our Confederate dollars in Grill’Billies.” (Joke.)

It’s true: Greg and Krystal have been officially Grill’Bye-byed. Greg is sad the investors are gonna miss this “great opportunity.” Krystal thinks about how the experience has brought them closer together and made them “so much stronger.” The two lovers hug, then turn to me, and, with a furtive glance, whisper in unison: “David, you’re not overreacting — everyone on this show is racist.”

Only two episodes left!

Read more posts by David Rees

Filed Under: overnights, america's next great restaurant, david rees, recaps, tv

Until April 11th's Boston Massacre (too soon?) the Rays offense was last in the league at just about everything.  Games were painful as we watched 1-2-3 inning after 1-2-3 inning.  Sure, there was some downside in the resulting losses produced by those anemic offensive showings, but I believe there was something far worse resulting from those speedy innings:

Commercial Delirium. 

If you've never heard of Commercial Delirium before, it's OK, I just made it up.  Basically, it's when you experience the same commercials over and over, until you're screaming through your TV set at Johnny Damon to just get a hit or at least take a few pitches so as to stave off another round of these carnivorous advertisements.  This season, the commercials on FSFlorida and SUNSports have been like Zombies: Just when you think you've beaten them down by throwing a pickaxe through their forehead, they rise again and invade your braaaaaains.  Like Jamie Moyer, these damned things just won't die.

I have identified five commercials this season that pop up seemingly between every half-inning. If you've been watching the Rays on FSFlorida or SUNSports then you will most likely know these spots word for word.  If you haven't been able to catch the games on the tube, then let me be the first to welcome you to the agony that lies betwixt every half-inning and pitching change of the Rays season thus far.

1. Inside Israeli Basketball

Video and more after the jump.

Given today's date, I feel that we should lead off with this commercial and not Passover it in favor of another.  This commercial is a quite the enigma and even if you've seen only one Rays game this year, you no-doubt remember this inside look into the "intense action of the Israeli Super League." 

Where to begin?  A quick Google search reveals that, yes, this is an actual show and not some rehashed SNL skit.  I've played on a Jewish Community Center basketball team and we had as much passion as Mr. Dewey from Saved By the Bell and as much coordination as Ozzy Osborne with an Ear Infection. 

Some Key Quotes:

In a land where passion fills the streets, a game connects them all.

You have to give these ad-guys a bit of credit here.  That line is the nicest way of saying that there is some serious hatred in that nape of the wood, er, neck of the wape, and that by "connecting" players they mean that no one is being blown up... while they're playing basketball.

They play to win the game.

Gee ain't that something, badly-dubbed-coach-guy?  Were we expecting this passion-filled street game to not have a winner, maybe just a hand-holding-circle-smile-session?  What a novel idea it is for a team to win.  You want to peak my interest?  Show me a team that wants to lose, I mean that really wants to lose.  Show me the 2011 Boston Red Sox... Zing!

Would you like something to read?
Do you have anything light?
How about this leaflet, "Famous Jewish Sports Legends?"

OK, so that's not from this commercial, but rather from Airplane!  Every time this commercial comes on this is all I can think of.  This and, of course, The #LegendofSamFuld.

2. Ellismania

At least I get the placement of this ad.  It's a high-paced, mentally-challenged, freak show designed to pull away a few viewers who by eight to ten games into the season are starting to tire of the 'slowness' of baseball.  They need something that speaks to them and their fast-paced, adreniline-pumping, attention span.  Things like BLINDFOLDS, GIRL FIGHTS, and SHOCK COLLARS!  Personally, I think the only people who should be given blindfolds are the viewers.

Key Quotes:

It's a train wreck!

If one commercial could characterize the start of the Rays season, it might be this one.  As the commercial states, this show is a "train wreck" much like the first nine games of this season.  Many of us watched  night after losing night as offense stunk it up in horrific fashion.  We wanted to look away from the carnage, but we couldn't.  Our eyes remained fixed on the O-Fers, the K's, and the GIDPs.  And, of course, the biggest problem was when the inning ended and we were spared another cringe-worthy moment, this shlock of a commercial came on. 

Also, Fuel TV sounds like Tool TV.

It's full contact stupidity.

If only Manny Ramirez were still here (and hitting).  This would have been the perfect tagline for the offense. 

3. David Price "10th Man" Ad:

Note: I couldn't find this ad anywhere online, so i recorded it on the phone and uploaded it.  If you have one of better quality, please feel free to shoot me a link.

Like most things, it's Evan Longoria's fault. 

With Longo out of the lineup, we are prone to get upset at the lack of production at the heart of the order and especially about the 'subpar' defense at third base.  We can't blame Sean Rodriguez or Felipe Lopez because their play isn't actually that bad, Longo is just that good.  You see, he's spoiled for years now with his keen eye, strong stick, and slick glove.  He's also spoiled us with his easygoing, must-have-been-Shakespearian-trained acting prowess. 

Sure, I was too old to get that kids account at GTE Federal Credit Union, but I wanted one.  Senior Prom for Senior Citizens?  Johnny Damon may not have been swayed, but, oh, how I longed to be 63.  And, gosh-darnit, if I didn't continue the search far and wide when Evan lost his cap.  It's still real to me, dammit!

So it's not that David Price's acting is that horrible, it's just that he's no Evan Longoria.  Once again, Evan, you've spoiled us, and until you grace our screen with your return, there's nothing we can do.

Key Quotes:

It hasn't been scientifically proven, but I'm pretty sure the tenth man adds three miles-per-hour to my fast ball.  HUH Maybe four.

The problem with this line is that it's categorically false.  And, since we're required to include a spreadsheet in every post, here you go:

Price's Pitch f/x 2009 - 4/12/2011

h/t Jason Hanselman for the nifty spreadsheet figures.  It should be noted that pitch f/x can sometimes mislabel pitches and no park is the same, but I'm confident that these numbers are accurate enough for my noble commercial breakdown purposes.  The two we're looking at: FF= four-seam fastball, FT= two-seam fastball.

Three, maybe four MPH?  HUH  David, please.  If that were true, Price would be consistently pumping between 98 and 99 at home with his four-seam.  By these numbers Price is actually throwing .3 HUH maybe even .4 MPH faster on the road. 

And did you see that throwing motion in the commercial?  I realize he's not really throwing a pitch, but if you're going to try and sell such a big bump in speed at the Trop you need to make the pitch look legit.  I doubt Price throws batting practice with such little effort.  How are supposed to believe that pitch is 99?  Come on, David, you're better than that.

There is a scenario that I have not yet explored, in that maybe Price really could throw 3-4 MPH faster because of the "10th Man," but, with the lack of attendance, there have never been enough fans to qualify for "10th Man" status. 

No matter what you take from this commercial, you just have to love that grunt.  HUH.  Price-less.

4. Rio Anne Hathaway Trailer:

While this trailer for Rio might appeal to a significant portion of the MLB audience, it does not appeal to me.  In the scope of the family film crowd, I always figured the MLB audience was comprised mostly of fathers and sons, but this trailer seems to appeal directly to the mother-daughter crowd.  Now, according to this very flimsy site, MLB viewership breaks down to 57% Male to 43% Female.  So this ad for an animated movie about colorful dancing birds might have an audience, but again, it's not me. 

(Obviously these commercials did something as Rio won at the box office this weekend taking in $40m.  Score one for results based analysis!)

Key Quotes:

Ay ya, ay ya, ay ya, ay yaaa.

Note: Couldn't find the exact version of this trailer, but you can see where she's singing, you just can't hear the sounds here.

Yeah, I'll admit the first time I saw Anne Hathaway with her eyes closed, cherry ice cream smile, singing quasi-moaning sounds, I was interested.  But, by the 11th time the commercial played the sound was more like the maniacal laughter of a homicidal clown than the sweet voice of an animated bird.  Maybe she's a Siren.  If that's the case then we'll have to talk to Matt Joyce about how to avoid her.

WE'RE STILL ALIVE!

Yes, it's been said that the one way you can tell that you're still alive... is pain.

5. AT&T Ski Lift Ad:

To be fair, I actually chuckled the first few times I saw this commercial, but, like Jagermeister, when taken in excess it becomes revolting. 

Key Quotes:

Steven: Would you mind if I asked Sheila out?

Yeti: Of course not, we broke up six months ago.

OK, so let's start by saying that the ex-boyfriend starts out being a very mature individual.  He's also nowhere near as stupid as his friend. 

They've only been broken up for six months.  Six Months!  Why do I have problem with this?  Because that's too soon to date your firend's ex?  No, that's fine, whatever.  The problem is: do you see how hairy that guy is?  I mean, all we can see is his head and already he looks like a hairier Vincent Gallo.  Since college, I've owned one of my parents hand-me-down couches.  I've had it for about eight years now.  My parents have dogs, I do not.  There have been no dogs on this couch for eight years (who's gonna be the clever guy in the comments?).  And still, I find a strand of dog hair between the cushions once in a while.  One more time: do you see how hairy that guy is?  Six months?  Wait six years and make sure your first gift is a case of industrial strength soap.

She's been wanting me to ask her out for over a year now.

Yeah, we get that she's only been broken up with that Old Navy Fleece for six months and she's been pining for Steven for over a year now.   Kind of a cold-hearted thing to say to the guy who was probably dating her at the time.  If she was, in fact, dating Zach Galifianakis for longer than six months, Steven might need to engineer a plot for her to get arrested and deloused before any relationship is consummated (yes, I'm still on about the hair) and if the relationship was less than six months then that means Sheila liked Steven, but for whatever reason decided to date Dave Martinez in the interim.  Maybe as a ploy to get close to Steven?  Maybe because Steven was dating Carla and Sheila couldn't hold her horses for two seconds.  Either way, my point is: rapper-Joaquin Phoenix should not be getting laid by such a classy, internet-phone-savvy chick as Shiela.

Maybe I'll finally just change the channel... But of course, this commercial is on every frickin' channel.

Honorable mentions: 

Sweetbay home invasion, Pepsi Snoop Dogg "I'm up to mah knees in zero cal-o-ries" Ad, Simon Cowell's X-Factor Promo, and The Great Ride.

So, for those of you who haven't been able to watch the games on TV, this is what you've been missing.  My question for the rest of you is: are there any other commercials driving y'all up the wall?

It's not really Lady Gaga's fault I was born this way …

Look, I like Supergrass's seminal album I Should Coco as much as the next man – but twice in a night between the hours of 2am and 5am? Is that normal behaviour for a supposedly sound-minded 30-something single man? Despite strong suspicions that Sam's nocturnal mid-90s musical enchantment could well be symptomatic of a much deeper rooted inadequacy, for now I relied on his kindness – armchair psychoanalysis would have to wait for another day.

(Not) sleeping on Sam's couch in a perpetual state of guilt accompanied by the soundtrack to my formative years had been my lot for the last three nights now. Uncoincidentally, the ordeal had begun the very same day when – racked by guilt – I decided to confess what happened that night with Melissa.

"I know you think that now everything's a nightmare, but trust me it'll blow over. It's not like you're having an affair, it was a one-off – finished," said Sam as we sat watching Cash in the Attic on his massive television.

"She's never gonna have me back," I replied as an elderly man produced a buff coloured earthenware decorative bowl from the bottom draw of a wooden dresser. "I just can't believe I let things get so far out of control."

"And I can't believe you told her indoors that you bunked up with a girl you met in a bar, but we live and learn," said Sam scornfully. "If you want Mrs TV back, then you just need to be patient – she'll see sense. In the meantime, you don't want the business to go south too, do you? Why don't you write something … I hear music videos are popular this time of year!"

Although Sam's romantic advice was unconvincing, he was right about the business – it was a critical time for the website. The stats were still riding high as the Big Brother story continued to rumble along and anything we wrote now seemed to be golden because of it. Indeed, while I'd been undergoing my personal purgatory, John and Daniel had discovered a particularly labour-efficient way of milking the virtual cow. It was simple and – although not exactly Pulitzer nomination material – quite brilliant. It works like this … you can try it at home on your own Google News-enabled blog or website if you like.

Take the latest music video from YouTube by a popular beat combo or singer. Embed the film into a page on your own website. Then write a few words of fluff about it – eg, "Born This Way is the first single from Lady Gaga's new album of the same name which will be released on 23 May 2011. It's a cheery/depressing/uptempo/shocking (delete as applicable) song from the fame monster herself … blah, blah blah." Oh, and stick on a fake byline; Maurice Music sounds good - should fool nobody but Google that.

By no means waste any time on this content; the quicker you turn it around, the sooner you can start on the next one. Once you've got to 120 words, Google News will consider this a newsworthy article. All that remains is the SEO-busting headline – "Watch the new Lady Gaga official music video to Born This Way" – and you can press send. Within a few hours your article will be one of the top searches for that video – and what's more, you'll keep getting traffic for days, weeks and who knows, perhaps even months afterwards.

The depressing truth is this. A few carefully chosen music videos which combined take 30 minutes to compile and file will almost certainly "out-stat" (if that's a real term) a very interesting and well-written piece of media analysis, - raising the question, why bother doing anything good ourselves when we can make money peddling other people's crap (or the "cable television model", as I like to call it)?

An awareness that reputation is as important as revenue led me to worry about John's and Daniel's lucrative yet low-rent sideline, but I was in no fit state to question them – and, to be fair, at least they were doing something, which was more than could be said for me. After another long day of misery I tried to get comfortable on Sam's sofa. I wasn't sure what to do any more. Despite regretting it and more or less instantly confessing, my inebriated foray down the short path to moderate sexual gratification had made me feel ill – how could I sleep?

Eventually, I was just beginning to drift off when a familiar sound erupted from the adjacent room.

We are young, we run free / Keep our teeth, nice and clean ...

It was going to be another long night.

O2 Shepherd's Bush Empire, London

The fearsome woman who takes to the stage at this sold-out show is clad boot-to-cape in black, like a high art reading of a Scottish Widows advert. Surrounded by billowing black drapes, Lykke Li is lit by strobing searchlights; her five-strong band are arrayed around her like a hand of poker.

As the lights synch up with a barrage of percussion, it's as though Phil Spector were sound-tracking a tribal coven disco. "Jerome" is a troubled love song from Li's masterful second album, Wounded Rhymes, and it sets the tone for what is to come: a dramatic reinvention, electrified with sensuality and pain. The xx are here, looking on in approval.

What has happened to Lykke Li? The Swedish singer announced herself back in 2007 with a left-of-centre pop gem called "Little Bit". Its melodicism and melancholy were overshadowed by Li's voice – a cracked girlish coo that, you suspect, brought out the Lolita response in a certain tranche of her fanbase.

Her rise to the status of bloggers' darling continued with 2008's "Dance Dance Dance", a bereft ode to the boogie that fit deliciously into the lineage of tear-stained Scandinavian pop pioneered by Abba. She was good – if, perhaps, celebrated for the wrong reasons.

Now she is even better. Wounded Rhymes trounces its charming predecessor, 2008's Youth Novels. Although Li reserves that old parched soprano for the odd song – like her shivery cover of the Big Pink's "Velvet" – her voice is now a masterful, stentorian instrument, like Dusty Springfield studded with nails.Written in Los Angeles, her new songs take their heightened sense of drama from the American chanson of the 60s – the reverberating drums, the shoo-wop harmonies, and plenty of Hammond organ, all delivered with a European shiver of froideur. It is all immensely grownup. "Youth knows no pain," she spits, near the start. Li's first album was laced with a sense of heartbreak too, but this time around the anguish is deeper, and punctuated with anger.

At her wildest – on the full-blooded "Rich Kids Blues", conveyed in a blur of red lights and punishing percussion – this new, carnivorous Li sounds as though she'd happily eat her old breathy self for breakfast. Were Nick Cave not happily married, he might be considering a new muse. At the end, the vintage workout takes an abrupt turn, breaking down into a delirious rave interlude, with Lykke Li lying prone on the floor.

The rest of the time she is a brooding, restless presence, half crone, half bombshell; an alternating current of ferocity and vulnerability. For every man-eating song such as "Get Some" – Wounded Rhymes's introductory single – there is a haunting torch song in which Li's defences come down. Like a girl group in therapy, "Sadness is a Blessing" (the next single) is a vision of light and shade. "Sadness is my boyfriend," Li sings, "Will sorrow be the only lover I can call my own?"

The old songs are in great part reworked. "Dance Dance Dance" is especially riveting, relying mostly on a clatter of percussion and Li's voice. Near the end she honks a solo on a kazoo, throws it behind her, and coils her gauzy wrap around her neck like a scarf. The massed harmonies of her band recall the sweet warmth of the first-album Fleet Foxes, while the jungle drums suggest a new kinship with Karin Dreijer Andersson of Fever Ray and the Knife. On "Youth Knows No Pain", meanwhile, there is another surprise: she interpolates a segment of "Never Gonna Cry Again", a terrific early Eurythmics song released in 1981, five years before she was born.

Just as Scandinavian thriller writers took over their genre a few years ago, there was a time in the mid-00s when it appeared that a new breed of Nordic pop sirens – Robyn, Annie and Lykke Li – might refashion dance-pop. It never quite happened. Robyn has had the most success, with Grammy nominations and solid sales of her acclaimed Body Talk series of albums. Poor Annie, whose Anniemal album of 2004 promised so much, has been virtually forgotten.

In the event, there was a Scandinavian takeover of pop – it just happened behind the mixing desk, with producers such as Max Martin, RedOne, Bloodshy & Avant and a slew of others setting the template for American chart pop.

Meanwhile, Lykke Li has forsaken pop, and cutesiness, altogether for a gutsier, classic sound. Commercially, the year already belongs to Adele, but in Lykke Li we just might have an intriguing new Scandinavian auteur.

The blonde lay on the sidewalk, her pale blue eye gazing blankly at the streetlight. A long golden curl of hair rested on her ear. She looked like a Botticelli angel who had lost her way and fallen out of the sky.

That fall was quick, as Heaven was only as high as the roof of an East Village tenement that night. After the fall, like vultures smelling blood, a crowd of gawkers surrounded her.

The shrill song of a police siren had awakened me. I threw on jeans, grabbed my camera and raced out in the direction of the flashing lights. Elbowing my way through the mob, I found her encircled in the caress of the streetlight; the pool of blood still spreading, almost touching the nighthawks’ tattered shoes. Between the light, the blood and the shoes I saw a great, if painful photograph.

Raising my camera to frame the picture, I was about to take the shot when the Leica was shoved hard against my face. Instinctively I tightened my grip on the camera and pulled it away.

“Now, now, none of that laddie boy,” said a short, round Irish cop standing in front of me, as he began poking me in the belly with his baton.

I knew he wanted me to push back, to curse him, to do anything that would give him an excuse to swing the hard wooden baton across my face. Cops didn’t like the white kids, the scum they called us, who lived in the squalid East Village with the “others,” the blacks, the Puerto Ricans, the gays.

He pushed the baton against me harder. I was shaking.

“Hey, Murphy let de kid alone. Go pick on someone yer own size,” said a voice behind me with an accent as thick as a Katz’s deli sandwich.

The cop glared and shoved passed me then abruptly stopped. His body relaxed and his face softened in recognition.

“Oh, it’s you. How’s the missus?” he said.

I turned to see an old guy coming towards us. Shrunken in his heavy woolen overcoat, his collar turned up against the night chill, he had a rumpled face and a very large cigar clenched in his teeth. 

“Kid,” the old man said pulling me away from the cop”if you’re gonna be a shooter, you gotta get places before the cops. Take it from me. I oughta know, name’s Weegee, Weegee the Famous”

It was the mid-sixties and I was an aspiring photographer. I had grown up in New York and knew about Weegee, but that bitter night was the only time we ever met.

Weegee owned New York the way Robert Doisneau owned Paris or Manuel Álvarez Bravo owned Mexico City. The city defined him and in return, he defined the city with his pictures.

He had been born in the Galicia in the Ukraine, in 1899. Depending upon the day of the week, it was Polish or Hungarian, German or Russian. It’s where my grandparents came from too. Arriving in the U.S. age ten, he was a short kid named Usher. America renamed him Arthur, just as it renamed my Uncle Heshie, Howard; as though new names alone would turn immigrant mugs into proper Americans.

Like so many immigrants, the Felligs lived on the Lower East Side in an apartment building packed with more people than a subway car at rush hour. Not surprisingly my immigrant relatives lived just a few blocks away.

Coming of age in the 1930s, the depression’s grip squeezed the life out of most kids’ dreams; you ended up just scrambling for a few bucks for food. Fellig, though, had an thick hide, and this was still America, the place where you could be anything you wanted to be.

And Arthur Fellig wanted to be famous and being a photographer was the way he was going to do it. 

Aggressive and ambitious, he started hanging around police stations and Bowery nightclubs looking for tips and stories from the cops and the strippers and the drunks. When he got a tip, he would race off determined to be the first one at the scene of a crime or a tragedy.

The story is that he got his moniker from the cops, who said he must have been using a Ouija (We-Jah) Board to get to places ahead of them. But Fellig never needed a Ouija Board especially after he put a shortwave police scanner in his car. While regular press photographers hung around their papers playing pinochle, he’d spend the night sitting in his car, sipping coffee out of a thermos, listening and waiting.

Weegee used a big 4x5 Speed Graphic and developed a shooting style that fit the rough lighting and tough scenes he encountered. He would pre-set the camera’s lens to f/16, it’s shutter to 1/200 sec. and pre-focus to a hyperfocal distance, this way he could use the Speed Graphic like an oversized point and shoot. For most shots, his main source of light was the camera’s large flash that fired off glass flash bulbs. Flashbulbs are pretty much a point source of light that create harsh contrasts of light and shadow giving the images the “noir” look that became a hallmark of his work.

However, getting the shot was only half the game. The papers needed prints and needed them in time to get the shots into their morning editions. Weegee built a darkroom in the trunk of his car so that after getting the shot he could process the film and make a print, on the spot. Then he’d drive off at breakneck speed to the offices of the News or the Mirror or the Trib and make the sale. (see Gallery)

And just to make sure everyone was clear about who took these photos, with the chutzpah of a ghetto raised kid, he stamped his prints,”Credit Weegee The Famous.”

But he was different from the other press photographers; he always kept his images focused on people rather than what was going on around them. For instance, in a photo taken at a Harlem house fire (see Gallery), instead of shooting the fire; he pointed his camera at the tear-filled faces of the mother and the sister of a child who was still in the burning building.

This doesn’t mean he wasn’t above sticking the Speed Graphic in some mugs face and popping off the flash to get a shot of human stupidity. His sarcasm often got the better of him as in a shot of a stripper reading a book entitled, “Apes, Men and Morons.” (see Gallery)

His photos are rich in detail that often work like a joke's punch line to change the obvious meaning of an image into something entirely different. In his photo of a shooting victim, (see Gallery) a gun lies a few feet from the corpse. It makes a straightforward photo into a mystery. The viewer is left wondering whether the victim was shot by someone, who tossed the gun away fleeing the scene, or was this a suicide who had simply dropped the weapon as he died?

Beside the horrors of emergencies and crimes, Weegee covered the social life of the city. But he saw this world from the underdog’s point of view as you can see in his photo the “Critic.” (see Gallery) In it, he portrays the clash of social classes, contrasting the pinched faces of bejeweled and fur draped society dames with the scowling face of a working class woman.

The art world discovered Weegee in the forties, when the Museum of Modern Art exhibited a few of his pictures in a 1943 show entitled “Action Photography” and later included him in the “Family of Man” exhibit.

In 1945, Weegee published his first book, “Naked City” and followed it with “Naked New York” and “Naked Hollywood” the latter filled with his experimental “distorted” photographs of celebrities. It has a wildly puckered Marilyn Monroe on its cover. (See Gallery)

Soon after “Naked City” was published, a Hollywood producer saw it and bought its title to use for as the title of a movie about the murder of a model. In the 1950s, the title was used again for a dramatic TV series.

 It all made Weegee very famous.

Between 1946 and the early 1960s, he got occasional work in Hollywood as an actor and sometimes as a consultant. He was the still photographer on the set of Stanley Kubrick’s “Dr. Strangelove” and rumor had it, that Peter Sellers copied some of Fellig’s thick New York accent for his “Strangelove” role. Kubrick, who had been a press and magazine photographer himself in New York, coincidently attended the same high school as I did.   

He died in 1968 and since then there have been exhibitions of his photographs throughout the world. In 1992, the movie “The Public Eye,” (1992), had Joe Pesci, playing a Weegee like press photographer named “Bernzy.” However, Pesci’s character was hardly like the Weegee I met in the East Village.

I remember watching leave that night. I thought I saw him pause under a streetlight and look back at the girl on the sidewalk. Through a cloud of blue cigar smoke, he seemed to be shaking his head.

He was “Weegee the Famous” and I guess he was damned tired of seeing so many fallen angels.

End

Note 1: Before anyone starts sending me comments saying that Weegee was not the World’s Greatest Photographer, let me say that I found him called that at http://www.first-magazine.net/2008/06/worlds-greatest-photographer-weegee-the-famous/  I thought it would make a good title for this post and I’d like to think that Weegee would have liked it.

 Note 2: I downloaded the Gallery images from the web. If you are interested in seeing more of Weegee’s work go to the library or a bookstore and take a look at some big well-reproduced Weegee images.

Grilled cheese sandwiches, diamond-encrusted shoes and several false starts: Alison Krauss tells Alfred Hickling about the genesis of her latest album

'If you want to play old-time music, you've got to pay attention to your right hand ..." and Alison Krauss offers to demonstrate bluegrass bowing technique. It begins with a barely perceptible shimmer of the wrist. Gradually the movement gathers force and travels along her arm until her whole body begins to sway in a graceful, sinuous wave. "Isn't that pretty?" she smiles.

Outside America, Krauss is mainly perceived as the ethereal half of the platinum-selling partnership with Robert Plant that produced the 2007 album Raising Sand. At home in the US she is a major star, having sold more than 11m albums solo and with her band, Union Station; she has won more Grammys – 26 of them – than any other female artist. She doesn't turn 40 until next year, yet in terms of overall Grammy wins she has only Sir Georg Solti and Quincy Jones left to beat.

It's not her nature to flaunt it, however. Her hotel suite is of the discretely expensive kind, though there's no sign of an entourage, nor does the slight figure wearing faded jeans bear much resemblance to the woman who performed at the 2004 Oscars ceremony wearing $2m diamond-encrusted slippers. She shakes her head at the recollection. "Bizarre. I've no idea why they chose me to wear them. I must have had the worst feet of anyone who was there."

It's a typical reaction from an artist who states that her music promotes "simple values, God, family, working hard, the romance of loving the girl next door". Yet though Krauss depicts herself as a conventional kind of girl, her life has been anything but ordinary. Brought up in small-town Illinois, she developed a taste for old-time music and had barely reached her teens when she was nominated by the Society for the Preservation of Bluegrass in America as most promising fiddler in the mid-west. When she was 14, the band she played in sent a demo to the roots-music label Rounder. They kept the golden-voiced violin player but ditched the band.

Softly spoken and slightly other-worldly, Krauss often gives the impression of belonging to a different era. She claims not have seen Oh Brother Where Art Thou? – the film that introduced her music to a wider audience – all the way through because she doesn't own a television. She has chosen to base her career within the narrow confines of bluegrass; an earthy, blue-collar, essentially conservative form of folk music, which makes it all the more surprising that that her biggest-selling record to date should have been an album of obscure, country blues covers made with a British rock icon with whom she seemed to have little in common except her hair. Yet the strange alchemy of Raising Sand drew on the Celtic folk seam that ran through Led Zeppelin's music, as well as Krauss's own fondness for British rock and pop. "Growing up I used to love bands like Free and ELO and the Rolling Stones," she says. "When Robert Plant got in touch it made perfect sense to me."

Most people's response to making an album that sold in excess of 2.5m copies would be to make it again. Yet after two years touring and promoting the record, Krauss and Plant went their separate ways: he to continue his American-roots exploration with the Band of Joy, she returned to Union Station, the bluegrass ensemble with which she has performed for over 21 years.

They did return to the studio to cut some tracks for a follow-up, but the session was aborted. "The magic had gone, nothing happened," she says. "Maybe it was too much to expect lightning to strike in the same place twice. There may be another project with Robert down the road. We still talk and laugh about things. I enjoyed my time with him tremendously."

Paper Airplane is Krauss's sixth studio album with Union Station, and the first she has made with the band since 2004. It was a longer gap than she would have wanted, but Union Station is a band of individual virtuosos each of whom have significant solo careers of their own. She describes them as "more like family than a band". Do they ever fight? "Do we ever! They're all such huge talents and everybody's used to being the boss. But then our individual differences create a sound that can't be replicated any other way."

You sense that Krauss's role is that of big sister to whom everyone ultimately defers. "Well, there has to be someone who feels strongly enough to say OK: this is what we're gonna do. And as I have to sing most of these tunes, it has to feel right for me."

Krauss rarely records her own material, though she is an unerring judge of other people's songs. This time, however, she found that her usual confidence deserted her. "It turned out to be anything but an easy record to make, basically because I wasn't well. I was suffering from terrible migraines and unable to sleep. After we'd been recording for a week, I realised what we had wasn't working. It's impossible to make a record when you're ill because it affects how you listen to things. You can't make decisions. It all sounds terrible."

Krauss halted sessions and turned to one of her former discoveries and most dependable collaborators, songwriter Robert Lee Castleman. Yet she found that he too was suffering a creative drought:

"He was at a dead end. His words were: 'Oh, Alison, I can't find it. I go to the ocean, I drive through the desert, I've driven back to all the places where I've been heartbroken, but there's nothing there.'" Krauss's response was to grill some cheese sandwiches, after which Castleman announced that he'd thought of a melody. "Later the same evening he called and told me that the song was finished and was called Paper Airplane. It became the title track on the record and everything else fell into place from there."

Paper Airplane is a plaintive record, even by Krauss's melancholic standards. The standout performance is her interpretation of Richard Thompson's song Dimming of the Day, written in 1973 and first sung by Thompson's wife Linda at a point when the couple were going through a divorce. "It is such a beautiful song. Almost too painful to sing," she says. "The performance on the record is the first time we played it all the way through. Initially, I got choked up and had to stop. Then guitarist Jerry Douglas said: 'Well, that's what you get for having a girl in the band.'"

Among the ballads are some blistering traditional bluegrass tunes sung by Dan Tyminski, whose keening tenor on the classic Dust Bowl Children sounds like an entire Steinbeck novel compressed into three chords. "You know, for most of its life bluegrass has had this stigma of being all straw hats and hay bales and not necessarily the most sophisticated form of music," Krauss says. "Yet you can't help responding to its honesty. It's music that finds its way deep into your soul because it's strings vibrating against wood and nothing else."

The record mixes classics by the likes of Jackson Browne with songs written by the new generation of American roots musicians that Krauss has done much to promote. She has always been generous in support of younger musicians; though some of them, such as "new-grass" stars Nickel Creek have already flourished, split-up and gone on to successful solo projects of their own, which only seems to emphasise how long Krauss seems to have been around. Yet it seems a bit early to begin referring to her as the grand old lady of bluegrass.

"The grand old lady of bluegrass?" she ponders. 'Well, wouldn't that be a wonderful title to have? I hope I do enough to earn it some day."

Our allotted time is up, though Krauss is struck by a sudden thought and springs to her feet. "You know," she declares, "if you really want to fiddle the old-time way, you've got to learn the dance."

The dance? "Yeah. The contra-dances, hoedowns. It's all in the rhythm of the bow. The great North Carolina fiddle player Tommy Jarrell said, 'If a feller can't bow, he'll never make a fiddler. He might make a violin player, but he'll never make no fiddler.'''

Which is how I come to leave her, stamping out imaginary music in an expensive hotel suite, happily fiddling into thin air.

Paper Airplane is out now.

'Blow' singer is psyched for the summer leg of her Get $leazy Tour with Spank Rock, LMFAO.
By Gil Kaufman

Ke$ha
Photo: MTV News

There's certainly something to be said for girl power. Ke$ha felt it when she hit the road with Rihanna last year, when the two apparently engaged in a variety of high jinks, including some alleged backstage pillow fights.

But when MTV News caught up with the glitter-soaked party girl on Wednesday just hours before her show at New York's Roseland Ballroom and asked her who she might bring along if she were able to put together a Britney Spears-style all-girl tour, Ke$ha didn't hesitate to name her posse.

Sitting cross-legged on a couch in black tights, black cowboy boots, black leather gloves and sleeveless black rocker T-shirt, Ke$ha told us that her all-girl lineup would actually be, well, all guys. "All-girl fantasy tour?" she said, staring up at the ceiling for a moment and contemplating the idea. "I mean, I play nice with chicks. I actually put together my personal fantasy tour and I just announced the second leg of my Get $leazy Tour and that's gonna be: me and LMFAO and Spank Rock."

And while the upcoming outing will be light on the estrogen — much like the first leg of her $leazy tour, on which she is sharing the stage with party-rap dude Beardo — Ke$ha insisted that it still will offer what her fans have come to expect from her shows. "It's not an all-girls tour, but it's gonna be f---ing sleazy," she maintained.

That macho vibe has been on display during to the winding-down first leg of the $leazy fest, which Ke$ha has nicknamed the "I Can Do Whatever We Want Tour." So, what kind of perks come with being a first-time headliner? "Blasting glitter violently at people, even if they don't want it," said Ke$ha. "It's like they don't even have a choice. It is a little volatile, but I do it anyways. I feel like people know me for my glitter and I don't want to disappoint."

Are you planning to see Ke$ha on the next leg of her Get Sleazy tour? Tell us in the comments.

• MTV News Extended Play: Ke$ha

• Ke$ha
• Britney Spears

The sun rises over Nutt Valley, home of the Reverend Houston Nutt and his isolated camp of acolytes. The following description of events is what led to this.

Houston Nutt; Another beautiful day in Nutt Valley, boys!

Nathan Stanley: Nothing better!

Nutt; Say, why don't we sing the Nutt Valley morning song!

Stanley and others: Sure!

They sing:

IN THE CIRCLE OF THE COMMITTED

THERE'S A MAN WHO KEEPS US GRITTED

IN THE VALLEY OF THE NUTT

WHERE WE GIGGITY IT UP 

Nutt: Excellence!

All: GIGGITAH!

Nutt: Blockin' stuff!

All: GIGGITAH!

Nutt: Got that wood?

All: YES WE DO!

Nutt; What's outside?

All: NOTHING GOOD!

Nutt: ELECTRIC!

All: BOOGALOO!!!!

They cheer and clap.

Stanley: I was thinking coach, maybe we could talk about my pro prospects---

Nutt: Oh, they're gonna be great, be we gotta work on this diagram. Team's gotta be together. Gotta be focused. Gotta be in the RIGHT GIGGITY PLACES ON THE MAP. See this, Nathan?

Stanley: I guess I don't get it coach.

Nutt: THAT'S WHY YOU HAVE TO GO OVER THERE AND THROW THE BALL INTO THE WELL OF LEARNING!

Stanley: Again? Can't we watch some film? We don't do that, and I remember--

Nutt: BAAAAAAH. The well's all you need! That's right! Only then will you leave Nutt Valley and go to Big Rock Candy Mountain like so many of our quarterbacks before! Stoerner, Jones, Masoli, Snead...all of them! GIGGITY DANG, they're all just livin' it up! Let's sing, boys!

Stanley and all: OKAY!

ALL:

In the Big Rock Candy Mountains you're going on a holiday

Your signing bonus comes around once a week and it’s Christmas every day

You never have to QB DRAW or throw the ball away

There's a little white girl you can ride of course

You can throw the ball into the sky

In the Big Rock Candy Mountains.

Nutt: Right! Now go throw that ball into the well, and remember: we'll get the footballs later. What's outside of Nutt Valley, son?

Stanley: Losers and broken glass, sir.

Nutt: That's right! GIGGITY BOTARKUS, and git it, son!

Stanley: Yessir.

Stanley throws balls into the well. He hears them hit the walls, then the sides, and then come to a dull clunk. He throws around ten balls until one hits something. A dull moan escapes from the well. He approaches, and looks down the maw of the well.

Snead: lies...lies...get...out...of...Nutt...Valley....now....

Stoerner: DAMMIT I CAN'T STOP FALLING OVER---

Masoli: Thirsty down here brah. Beer me.

Nutt: Nathan! FLANGNABBIT I told you not to look down there!

Stanley: IT'S ALL LIES! LIES! I BET MY HAIR DOESN'T HAVE TO LOOK LIKE THIS IN ORDER TO PLAY QB GOOD EITHER, DOES IT!

Nutt: It accentuates your sleek and aerodynamic head, DANG GIGGITARD! NECESSARY FOR BALL-THROWIN' PHYSICTIVITY!  COME BACK!

Stanley runs, and runs, and keeps running until the horizon. Nutt grabs his assistant.

Nutt: Go tell the team Nathan left Nutt Valley. He's been eaten by gerbils.

Assistant: Pretty sure they just eat plants, Coach.

Nutt: OUTSIDE OF NUTT VALLEY THEY DON'T, BRANGGARKNUS.

Assistant: Yes. What are we going to do about the QB situation, sir?

Nutt: Wait for a Forcier brother to show up, I guess. There's always one a them loose, right?

Assistant: Certainly, sir. There certainly is.

Time-lapse footage of highways and clouds reminds us that time has passed since last week’s episode and the competition is advancing, though not as fast as those clouds. In the kitchen, Curtis delivers a bombshell that threatens to derail the entire season: John Rivera Sedlar (who?) has dropped out owing to an emergency. Just when we think we’re already one week closer to the finale, guess who’s back: Hughnibrow, the salty-scallop man. Applause is showered upon him. “I brought a smaller salt shaker!” he cracks, and George finds this hilarious.

The good times are short-lived, because it’s Quickfire time: Make a meatball dish in “just” 30 minutes (nap time). Celina thinks this sounds easy and fun. “So there’s probably some kind of twist,” she intones. Either she has psychic powers or she has watched this reality program before, because the twist is that they have to grind their own meat by hand. “As a chef, I know this is gonna be pretty tough,” says Curtis the Jerk. Oh yeah, they’re cooking their meatballs for Kelis, who is somehow a singer and a professionally trained chef who loves meatballs, which makes her the best possible judge for this Quickfire. Sue is obsessed with Kelis: “I absolutely adore her.”

The Masters run for the table of glistening meat and fight each other like hungry dogs. Just kidding: They are civil and agree to share with each other. It doesn’t matter, though, because none of these culinary wizards knows how to use a hand-cranked meat grinder, and there is gratuitous footage of them messing up. Sue thinks she can win Kelis’s heart with a pork-beef combo stuffed with cheese, while John C. very logically attempts to earn respect for the south with his Vietnamese chicken meatballs. Suvir is calm in the face of chaos: “When I drop an onion and look my beautiful shoes, I smile that life is not all that bad.”

Again, they have to sit at a table and watch their dishes judged on a television, as though the sight of their non-recognizable faces would sway Kelis’s discerning palate. Upon first sight of her, Sue half-whispers, “She’s beautiful.” Chefs have the worst sense of humor: Several “Milkshake” jokes are made, even though it is actually 2011 now. Kelis is hard to please, but she sides with John’s Vietnamese meatballs. The south is vindicated! We wonder if they will do historical reenactments of this glorious day.

The poorly conceived Elimination Challenge involves classic dishes from the sixties, a time when Americans apparently subsisted only on trash foods like coq au vin and beef Wellington. Christina Hendricks from Mad Men shows up, looking lovely as always, because her acting on that show has apparently made her a culinary expert on the time period. Her husband, Geoffrey Arend, shows up, too, because we don’t know why. Curtis asks if she is a fan of a not-real “sixties food resurgence” and it turns out she hates everything the chefs will be making. Good luck to all! They’ll have to make two appetizer-size portions of their dishes, one classic interpretation and one modern, to serve at the couple’s cocktail party the following day. We ponder the new dimension of fame in which culinary professionals cater your social gatherings with food you loathe for the entertainment of others.

Shopping interlude: Nothing happens. We decide it’s time for a big glass of wine. Back in the kitchen, there’s not enough room for everyone to cook, and Suvir and Sue are pushed aside like refugees. Sue responds by helping everyone else cook their dishes, and Suvir is left with no choice but to deep-fry veal. Alex has never made bread pudding before, but he’s confident that he’s got a winner on his hands (spoiler alert: nope).

The party kicks off on what looks like a TV set, and Restaurant Girl, James, Ruth, and Curtis trickle in along with the other guests. We spot the guy who used to play Kinsey on Mad Men sans beard. Christina and her husband show up last, because that’s what hosting a cocktail party is all about. Meanwhile, there’s chaos in the kitchen, and Sue plates only half of her dishes. “Fuck, I’m going home,” she cries, leaving us to wonder if the show’s editors have just given up on creating suspense or surprise.

The food comes out and most of it looks inedible, but supposedly most of it tastes good. Ruth gives off her Earth Mother vibe but disagrees with everyone else a lot. Hughnibrow comes out and cracks yet another salt joke, and the critics have a good laugh. The fun is over and it’s time for Christina and hubby to leave. “Thanks for having us,” she says, which is usually what we say to others when we’re hosting a party. The fabric of the show’s logic rips apart and creates a black hole that sucks in Andy Cohen and Watch What Happens Live!.

In the 60-second spot, everyone thinks it’s hilarious that Suvir, with his fancy shoes and pretty pants, has a farm and guns. What a riot!

It’s time for critiques, which makes us miss the Top Chef set. Mary Sue, Floyd, and John C. have the best dishes. James says John has created a benchmark version of oysters Rockefeller. Books will be written about this episode because of those oysters, but Mary Sue takes the win for her Japanese-style deviled eggs. Sue, Suvir, and Alex are the worst. Suvir says everyone else is a diva (George); “I had no fire,” he explains. Harsh words like “quite disappointing” and “very undelicious” get thrown about like arrows, but, in the end, Sue is sent packing for messing up duck l’orange. She and Naomi share a brief kiss on the lips before she heads out on her own, consoled only by her Kelis albums and the fact that she is a successful chef with her own restaurant.

Next week: Cooking with bugs! Missing waiters! George gets bossy again!

Read more posts by Michael Alan Connelly

Filed Under: top chef, overnights, recaps, top chef masters, tv

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Thanks to Vatican II most Christian denominations now use some version of the common lectionary from 1969-a set series of scripture readings designated for each Sunday repeated over a three-year cycle conforming to the liturgical calendar. The three years in the cycle are called Year A, Year B and-yes, wait for it-Year C. And because it is a common" lectionary Catholics and most Protestants frequently find themselves on the same biblical page on the same Sunday (or only a Sunday or two apart) reading the same passage as everyone else from one of the four gospels, Matthew, Mark, Luke, or John.

I can never remember what year it is; I let the parish administrator tell me. She hands me the scripture insert for our bulletin on the Monday before and tells me go to it. Since I never know what year we are in with the lectionary, seeing the readings for next Sunday is always a surprise, and sometimes a disappointment. Some readings are just better than others. But I am told smart pastors thumb far ahead in the lectionary to see what gospel readings are coming up, so they can start homiletically mulling things over or planning their vacation absence around it if the reading is, um, weird.

I thought Id try that. The first place my thumbing stopped was in a Capernaum synagogue where Jesus encountered a man possessed by an unclean spirit." This turns out to be Mark 1:2128, Year B, fourth Sunday after Epiphany, called Ordinary Time in Roman parlance. It will show up for use on Sunday, January 29, 2012. Thats eleven months and some days before the Mayan calendar runs out on December 21 that year. Unless the world ends sooner, or I can get out of town, looks like Im stuck with it.

The short of it is the unclean spirit" shrieks at Jesus right there in the synagogue. And here you probably thought a crying baby was a problem. Jesus tells the unclean spirit" to be quiet and then commands the wicked thing to leave the guy alone, which it does. Everyone is dumbfounded at the authority" Jesus commands; why even the unclean spirits submit [to him]." Along with submission, unclean spirits" also tend to call him the Holy One of God" as they do here, but nobody in Capernaum is ready to go that far.

Honest, I dont ever remember this being in the lectionary. I dont ever remember having preached on it. With umpteen years of ordination behind me I should have said something about it on 10.333 occasions by my count. I dipped into my dead sermon file and no, I have never preached on it. When that passage arrived apparently I always opted for the second reading, something in First Corinthians about poor deluded fools worried over eating meat first sacrificed to idols, or the first reading from Deuteronomy promising a prophet like Moses. And I know why. I think these accounts of demons and unclean spirits are just too un-modern for contemporary Christians.

Who could listen with a straight face, or preach with one? I am bothered saying it, but my reaction, I know, is a hangover from my atheist rationalist period. But still even now as a believer, well, possession, really?

Nor by the way am I the only Lutheran pastor in history who has had trouble with demons. Henry Melchior Muhlenberg, a Lutheran Pennsylvania pastor through the mid to late 1700s tells in his diary of being visited by a man who thought he was possessed of a demon. Muhlenberg calmly explained to him he couldnt possibly be possessed. That happened in Bible times, sure, but it wasnt happening anymore. He sent the fellow on with a prayer. Today, pastors probably would default into a Rogerian chant to help the victim" sort out an internal source of evaluation." Either that or ask about his medications.

I find it more than amusing that in the history of the Scottish church the Great Litany once intoned From ghosties and goulies and long-leggedy beasties and things that go bump in the night" with the congregation going right along to deliver us good Lord," and they meant it.

Its not in the Litany anymore. It would be an embarrassment. If someone does believe in ghosties, goulies, or beasties of any kind all they want to do is chase them in a dark basement with a camcorder for Ghost Hunters or sample their DNA for Monster Quest. Someday, just betcha, one of those ghosts or monsters or legged things will wise up and file a protective order.

Of course there is interest in the occult, but saying that doesnt say any of it is real. Books are written and read about it, Ouija boards are sold at Amazon, newspapers carry astrology guides (Im gonna have a great week, by the way, so dont none of you mess it up in the comments section). I know a guy who is a practicing warlock in a Brooklyn coven, and I once met a then thirteen-year-old girl who practiced witchy spells hoping she could bend the universe to her will. I dont take any of it with any seriousness.

Yet, strangest thing, I remember back to a pastoral session with a guy who had done something he regarded as unusually egregious. He ended his story with a common enough phrase, I just dont know what possessed me."

Which sort of brings me back to the Capernaum synagogue. Real possession, oh, gee, I can hardly credit that. My head just isnt built that way.

But that doesnt matter, does it? Not really. I mean, it doesnt matter from St. Marks perspective. Because the storys not really about the unclean spirit" anyway; its about Jesus and what he has to do with us. The man believed he was possessed by an unclean spirit." The people there believed he was possessed. Everyone believed it was possible to be possessed. Jesus did not dispute it, quibble about it, remark on it, or shy away from it. He took authority and with that authority announced deliverance and the man was delivered because the Holy One of God-I think I have this right-took possession of him.

I just dont know what possessed me," the man told me. After hearing the story there were a couple notions I could have offered him, but uncharacteristically I managed to hold my tongue and I wonder now, what possessed me when my words soothed or brought laughter, and did not sting? Or when my hand caressed and did not strike? When my greedy soul wrote a generous check? When I enthrone within my palm the host that has become the Holy One of God? In whose possession am I then?

A pastor of the North American Lutheran Church, Russell E. Saltzman lives in Kansas City, Missouri. His previous On the Square articles can be found here.

RESOURCES

Mark 1:2128

Henry Melchior Muhlenberg

The curtains are drawn and the show is over.

Wasn’t supposed to turn a tidbit of life into a soap opera, but I guess,  plenty to see how people react when self-interest is involved.

An eye-opener definitely.

I have received plenty of emails which perhaps explained why the supposed one-off post left more bad tastes in the mouth, but I shan’t go there anymore cos I don’t know how to play games as well.

The blessing is, for every not-so-nice thing that happened, there are always 101 other nice things that made up for it.

I wanna say kudos to a bunch of very amazing, special people, who are from the organizations of the people involved, and are in some way affected because their hard work are and imaged are tainted by this episode.

For this, I wanna express my heartfelt gratitude for your understanding, as well as a big, big sorry for affecting you guys in anyway, be it be morale, be it be the constant bugging from people who kept on asking you guys about the saga, or that you feel that your hard work is never gonna be enough to catch up with underhand methods.

I have had understanding agents who against possible backlash, decided to bare their thoughts, and shared their support to S and baby in quiet way.. expressing their disgust of how some of the people react to the saga but even tough they don’t agree with it, I can see how it is something they have to live with cos afterall, their leaders are involved and they can’t possibly have a voice of their own.

And the most amazing, are the people in the banking industry, both male and female, of the same company, whose reputations are on the line because of the black sheep, yet they had NEVER, EVER put S down in any way, and they had decided to bear the pressure brought forth by the black sheep and work even harder.

They did not even complain how the blog affected them and some said they would do the same, and their graciousness is something I will remember for a long, long time, whereas many others from the other side, had proven to lack.

The most important thing is, these people with such big hearts all told me their utmost concern, is S and her baby, and that they don’t condone whatever that their fellow colleague did, and that they would like to pass their regards and love to S.

This compassion certainly holds more weight than pretty pictures of friendships painted but not granted.

So, uhm, I don’t know it helps, but do take loans from these bankers okay? They are really nice and genuine and they are level-headed enough to put their issues aside and focus on S, so I am sure they will your interests before profitability too.

I don’t know many of you guys, but I want to thank many of you, I don’t know who you all pop out from, but then, thank you.

And freds, I think you truly caught the essence what I was trying to get across just by the first paragraph of your comment. Thank YOU. I know there were some really cool comments who spoke up for me and there were some slamming whoever and all. But this truly resonates.

I applaud your utmost effort to withhold your roaring and seething anger even whilst you were expressing your pain for abused S. At some point of your entry, I sense your erupting rage and anger, to strangle D. Well. It is often almost impossible to keep your emotions within to craft an objective piece which seeks to create awareness and garner support for one character who is apparently deeply affected.

That’s all I needed.

It’s a humbling experience. But if you were to ask me, would I do it again?

Yes I would.

With no editing.

A friend whatsapped me today. She asked, why. I told her, if it were her, I would do the same for her too, but I know she is too afraid to lose the man and that’s why I had never gotten down to doing it, because I know for sure she wants to hang on to. I just hope she doesn’t crumble. Be strong.

S is someone very different from my usual girl pals, and there is just this.. I don’t know how to explain, like if it happens to me, I probably think I deserve it, but if it happens to her, it’s like, WHAT THE…. well, you get the picture?

And I remember 12 years ago, the 3-persons BBQ, and she.. didn’t mind being a friend to a socially-awkward 18 year-old who felt immense loneliness and super lost cos she just returned from overseas and feeling that fear.. when everything wasn’t what it seemed like before.

How can I forget the funny people, yes you group there. You know they are the right person with same frequency (especially when they had to go to the roof to get reception to bzz bzz to you) when you say a joke and they don’t get offended, and you can even throw a vulgar word their ways and they don’t sensitive and will laugh with you, even though the joke is on ourselves.

Eh, KNN. Was supposed to keep it short, but guess I get a tad emotional, with all that warm and fuzzy feeling tonight.

Thank you guys who feel a need to grace here.. and with this, I will like to draw the curtain on this issue, even if it is for a while (I have this unsettled feeling it isn’t over yet. I never know what people might do).

So, shoo now, get going.

And return me this little not-so-private space of my for all things fluffy, irrelevant, mundane, emo and crazy.

"In Nashville if you are African-American, you are four to five times more likely to be murdered than if you are white."

"Colin Loftin, professor of criminology at the University of Albany, State University of New York, said that research has conclusively linked only one major factor to high homicide rates: poverty."

Black homicides reach 'crisis' in Nashville

Nashville leaders seek solutions, call for community involvement

Jacci McGee-Russell, left, mother of Marcus McGee, and his brother Ronald McGee prepare to take communion on April 3. "He was just an all-around good person," his mother said. / JOSHUA ANDERSON / FOR THE TENNESSEAN

Written by  Brian Haas

THE TENNESSEAN

Kim Maupin says she asked the judge to lock up her son Christopher Evans, who was 16 when he was shot and killed in 2008. "If they had locked him up, they'd have saved his life," she said. / SHELLEY MAYS / THE TENNESSEAN

 

You caught that new Sonic teaser, right? For Sega, another year means another potentially misguided attempt at bringing the blue blur "back to his roots." 'Round the Sonic Cycle we go, once again!

This latest nostalgia grab finds the Sonic of the present meeting his Genesis incarnation, pot-belly and all. For years, we've had to deal with outraged fans who would not shut up about how the modern Sonic design is sooooo stupid and the classic one was a billion times better. If only Sega would give him back his old look, then all the problems with the franchise would be solved!

Sega probably tossed in the throwback look as a kind gesture to long-time players, but I think it's only going to fan the flames of dissension even harder. Already in some circles, the complaints have begun anew. But before I explain how foolish this whole non-issue is, I ought to share my personal preference.

I really like Sonic's modern design and prefer it over the classic one. There's nothing wrong with it at all.

Kids these days certainly don't mind as they have nothing else to compare against, but I guess it's an unpopular opinion amongst the over-20 crowd. It's not that I dislike the original style, no! I just find that the newer style suits the character better.

It's one thing to have a preference for the older look; it's something else entirely to be seething with bitterness as though the "green-eyed beast" was solely responsible for murdering the brand. To this day, I've yet to hear one solid reason as to why the current look is objectively inferior.

The current design was introduced back in 1998 with the release of Sonic Adventure. Minus a few subtle nips and tucks here and there, Sonic has held this same look for nearly 13 years, a greater length of time than the seven years spent as Mr. Chubby Buddy. You'd think people would have gotten over this nonsense by now, but nope! Still bitchin'!

The only reason I can fathom for such disdain is that fans are unable to divorce the quality of the character design from the quality of the games. Maybe I was running with a more open-minded crew, but back when the Dreamcast launched, I never once heard someone complain about how goofy Sonic looked. All I heard was, "Oh my God! It looks so real! Look how fast Sonic runs! This is awesome!"

After the 3D honeymoon was over (right around the time that the Dreamcast was retired, coincidentally), the Sonic games began to lose critical favor, and fans began picking apart what they saw as flaws in Sonic's design. It's not a stretch to say that players associate the modern look with unsatisfactory experiences and the classic look with golden memories. It's a Pavlovian response -- you see those eyes and a cold chill runs up your spine.

It is possible to weigh the parts of a whole independently. For example, I've never watched My Little Pony because I neither was nor ever will be an eight-year-old girl. However, I'm not ashamed to admit that I find the new show's art style very appealing. It has a very a Craig McCracken vibe to it (sure enough, his wife is the creator). That doesn't mean I'm gonna start snatching up pony merch or anything!

Sonic's current look just makes sense. His waistline was trimmed down and his legs were lengthened to give him more of a runner's build. I mean, have you ever heard of a speedster who wasn't skinny? In addition, his quills were smoothed out to be more aerodynamic. Then there are the eyes, but seriously... c'mon! No big deal!

Sonic retained his curt attitude and playful disposition, the qualities that we all thought were hip and cool when we fell in love with the character back in the day. The difference now is he looks like he's in motion even while stationary. He's the essence of speed rather than a rotund critter who also happens to run really, really fast.

This is the part where someone raises a crooked finger and points out that it makes no difference how sensible any alterations may be if nobody asked for them in the first place. Players love the old Sonic; there was no reason to "fix" him!

Unfortunately, that's an unrealistic expectation that fails to take into consideration multiple factors. Nearly every single character in comic, animation, or games history who has been around for more than a handful of years has undergone at least one redesign. This happens because of improvement in an artist's ability, reinterpretation by an artist other than the original, change in cultural decade, reintroduction after an extended hiatus, or desire to revitalize an ailing property.

Character redesigns range from sudden and sweeping to gradual and subtle. Ever read a manga that ran or has been running for five years? Ten? Twenty? The art matures and the characters take on a more definite appearance almost seamlessly, and it's only when you directly compare older chapters with newer ones that you fully comprehend the changes. Essentially, it's impossible to prevent any kind of change from occurring.

Funnily enough, I never hear as much whining about other redesigns as I do about Sonic's. The complaints are louder than even those for legitimate cases. Remember that proposed Klonoa redesign, the one that would have swapped his floppy ears and Pac-Man cap for crazy bat ears? How about the nightmare that was Bomberman: Act Zero? Sonic's tiny little tweaks are tame in comparison!

Do you want an extreme case of bad character redesigns? A few years ago, Warner Bros. Animation tried to update the Looney Tunes to appeal to the modern youth raised on high-octane anime like Dragon Ball Z and Naruto. The familiar Looney Tunes cast was re-envisioned as martial arts superheroes living in the distant future. The result was Loonatics Unleashed, and it was far worse than you could possibly imagine.

There was so much wrong with this show that the character designs were the least of its problems, and the designs were bad! Look at those fuckers! They look like they escaped from a box of Prismacolor markers! The sad thing is that these were the improved revisions! The original designs had to be revised because they were too frightening!

Someone on another site actually said that the old Sonic style was cute and timeless like Mickey Mouse. First, let's try to remember that Sonic was originally conceived and marketed specifically as an edgy alternative to Mario. On Saturday mornings, when I was watching Sonic lead a rag-tag resistance on a cold and grimy totalitarian world, descriptors like "cute" and "adorable" couldn't have been further from my mind. I can't remember a single child during the 90s who thought Sonic was "cute."

Second, Sonic is a timeless icon like Mickey Mouse? Alright... which one? Be specific! Is it the black-and-white Mickey from Steamboat Willie? What about early Technicolor Mickey from Brave Little Tailor? Or the "Hey! I've got eyeballs now!" Mickey from The Sorcerer's Apprentice? Or the "I could stand to get a little bit of sunlight" Mickey from Runaway Brain?

The evolution of Mickey Mouse is fascinating in that so many drastic alterations have been made, yet he remains instantly recognizable in any form. All you gotta see are those two big ears and you just know. If the vague outline of Mickey's head is all it takes to acknowledge an old friend, clearly a character who has undergone fewer, less outrageous changes would be even easier for new, long-standing, or lapsed fans to recognize, right?

Of course, you can't discuss Sonic without drawing comparisons to Mario, as I've already done a few paragraphs up. It's time to stick a fork in this roast and examine the man who reinvents himself more times than Madonna.

It's pretty amazing to note that Mario's look was constantly tooled around with for nearly a full decade. Hell, he didn't even have a proper name in his gaming debut! He was Jumpman, a carpenter in red overalls who looked more like Popeye than the boyish icon we're familiar with. Then when Mario Bros. landed, we were greeted by a very Osamu Tezuka-ish man who for some curious reason chose to invert his blue-red color combo.

By Super Mario Bros. in 1985, Mario's appearance began to take definite shape. His irises became light blue, and he strapped the red suspenders back on. Three years later, he swapped his color scheme for the last time while retaining his red cap. Since then, Mario has seen a few incremental updates, including a height boost not unlike Sonic's, but nothing to the same degree as what came prior.

However, that's not the end of Mario's wardrobe adventures. He's a true Renaissance man, crossing into other genres, constantly exploring and experimenting. Often, his excursions are accompanied by a radically different look.

The most outrageous of the one-off designs, in my opinion, has got to be his Mario Strikers garb. Talk about "X-treme"! I kinda dig it, though. It's very dynamic, and it did the rough outline look long before Street Fighter IV. Yet despite its aggressiveness, it's still all Mario.

The core essence of Mario's character always bleeds through his various guises. I suppose it doesn't hurt that his titles are regularly of the highest caliber -- being the best in class means that the public is more willing to accept some fresh digs now and then. Or perhaps it is precisely because Mario is such a random variable that players have almost come to expect regular reinterpretations.

When you see all these other characters reforged with so little, if any, negative feedback, how is it that Sonic the Hedgehog takes so much abuse? What if Sonic were to be redesigned again in the near future? I can guarantee it wouldn't be a return to the old style for the sake of satisfying a vocal minority. Would that be another rough blow to the fandom?

For those of you bursting with green-eyes Sonic hate, I ask you to cool down and reflect upon what you're really upset about. For the rest of you, I hope I've been able to offer a little perspective on the nature of change.

Everything's gonna be alright, guys!