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32nd over: England 84-5 (Trott 31, Prior 18) Prior cuts a no-ball from Wahab just wide of the diving gully. The sun is starting to come out, and that's bad news for England. In other news, if you only read one thing today, read this brilliant and charming little story from Edward Genochio. "Jonathan Trott's gentle wordplay with Umar Akmal reminds me of a story long-told in the dressing room of the village team I once played for. A bunch of the guys were touring Australia to follow an Ashes series, and found themselves drinking in the same bar as the Australian team. One of my village team-mates, who sported a Merv-a-like walrus moustache, approached Merv Hughes and opened up with the line 'Hallo Merv! Two of the world's greatest moustaches meet at last!' Merv, turning on the charm, replied 'Yeah, and one of the world's biggest cees,' and walked away."
I think it's the fact Merv walked away that I like most about this story, thus instantly obliterating the sliver of hope your team-mate had that Merv was joshing and had in fact – like Richard Wilson being greeted with a lusty "I don't belieeeeeeeve it" – waited his entire life to be serenaded by someone with a similar moustache.
31st over: England 81-5 (Trott 30, Prior 17) An interesting move from Pakistan: John McCririck is coming into the attack Kamran Akmal has gone up to the stumps for Asif, so that Trott cannot bat outside his crease. It's a quite over, with just a single to Trott. Both batsmen have now faced 55 balls: Trott has 30 and Prior 17, which might frazzle a few preconceptions. "Why is it we only have one England bowler, DB Close, in the top 50 bowling stats for 18-year-olds, way back in the 1940s?" asks Ric Sumner. "Have we not produced a single teen bowling prodigy in the past 60 years?" Oh we've produced loads – but you're not actually supposed to pick them, are you? Wake up laddie!
30th over: England 80-5 (Trott 29, Prior 17) A single off Wahab takes Trott to 1000 Test runs, and an average of 50. He has played extremely well this morning.
"I think that Amir's most impressive quality is his timotei advert standard flowing locks, he has a fantastic set of bangs," says Tom Van der Gucht. "If I find out he's been using straighteners on them then he'll lose some of my respect, but still with hair like his you don't need to worry about anything. A bad day on the field can be resolved by spending ten minutes looking in a mirror swinging your head from side to side and watching your hair majestically swing around. Perhaps that's where he gets his bowling prowess, a bit like Samson and the early career Jimmy Anderson who required exciting highlights to boost his confidence. Anderson that is not Samson." A) Don't talk so lustily about hair, you know it gets bald people upset; B) Bangs? You made that up in the shower this morning, didn't you?
29th over: England 79-5 (Trott 28, Prior 17) Asif again goes wide on the crease to again beat Prior with one that held its line. Prior responds well, walking down and across to work the next ball through midwicket for four. At the other end Pakistan are really trying to tear Trott from his bubble with some concentrated patter. "Should have known in you were in the OBO hot seat, the second KP's wicket went," says Andy Bradshaw. "Do we need to have a word with the powers that be, so you only cover the opposition's innings. I'm willing to cough up for your Smarties allowance." Smarties? Is that what they're calling it these days?
28th over: England 75-5 (Trott 28, Prior 13) Another maiden from Wahab, this time to Trott, but England will feel relatively comfortable at his end. If you think this is hard enough, Mike Selvey pointed out that Pakistan also have Mohammad Irfan, a 7ft left armer, waiting in the wings. Have a look at this YouTube clip; it looks like he's been CGIed! Imagine facing him with one of those dodgy low sightscreens
27th over: England 75-5 (Trott 28, Prior 13) Prior, on the walk, is beaten by Asif. There's a great discussion between David Gower and Nasser Hussain on Sky as to the merits of walking at a bowler like Asif: Gower is in favour, Hussain isn't sure. I know I prattle on about Sky's coverage a lot but it's such good stuff, with particular props for their concerted effort to educate the uninitiated viewers: primarily children, and me. One from the over, and these two – England's best two batsmen at the moment – are doing okay in the circumstances. "Following on from Naylor's point about body armour, I'm reading a book by Douglas Jardine at the moment," says Phil Sawyer. "He declares that 'the sight of a grown man wearing thigh or chest protection is faintly ridiculous'." I'd love to have heard his thoughts on sarongs. In fact, when I invent a DeLorean, the first thing I am going to do is zip back to the 1930s, pick up Douglas Jardine and drop him right in the middle of Hoxton, summer 2010, armed with only a cricket bat and the fierce desire to get masculinity back on track.
26th over: England 74-5 (Trott 28, Prior 13) As Wahab bowls a relatively anodyne maiden to Prior, the umpire Tony Hill has a word with both Trott and the Pakistan captain Salman Butt. It's early days for him on the Elite Panel – even though he made his Test debut nine years ago – but I like Tony Hill a lot. "So now the sky has fallen in, what makes Ian Bell immune today where others haven't been?" says Chris Rose. "This seems exactly the sort of day that he would have slipped below the stormy seas with the rest of them. Like I say, the Harris ball mentally scarred me..." You are right. I was being flippant – it can be good fun – but in reality I would not, to use Bumble's phrase, have given Bell tuppence today. That said, his work over the past year, particularly in South Africa, demands a place in the top six. I love Eoin Morgan so much it stings, but you could not pick him over Bell at the moment.
25th over: England 74-5 (Trott 28, Prior 13) Asif has switched ends and has a big shout for LBW against Trott first ball. It was a hopeless shout: outside the line, missing off and going over, although that's not a criticism of Pakistan because Trott's decision to bat outside his crease to Asif can be confusing. Trott edges the next one low to third man for two. In the Sky box Nasser Hussain, who played one of the all-time-great bad-wicket innings in New Zealand in 2001-02, reckons that England's batsmen might be going a fraction too hard at the ball, but the key factor this morning has definitely been good bowling. Meanwhile, Trott and Umar Akmal engage in some zesty, heartfelt wordplay. I couldn't hear Akmal's, but Trott responded with "you effing cee". The good thing about Trott is that it shouldn't affect his concentration. It's a rare skill indeed to be able to call someone an "effing cee" one second and concentrate fully on your job the next. I don't know it's a good skill, but it's definitely a rare one.
24th over: England 72-5 (Trott 26, Prior 13) Wahab Riaz is coming on to replace Mohammad Asif. The worry for England is that, unlike James Corden, the ball cannot talk all day: the forecast is much better for later today and there is a real concern that England will be, to borrow the word all the cricket kidz of Hoxton are using, TrentBridge2007ed. That wasn't much of a first over from Wahab, with three runs coming from it. He needs to be much fuller in length; and when he is, from the final delivery, Prior is drawn into a loose waft that connects only with fresh air.
Drinks break plug for my mate's brilliant book department "Girls in mini-skirts / Oh my! How they please! / Girls in mini-skirts / Revealing their knees." So went the chorus of Girls In Mini Skirts, a 1960s ditty written by Barrow-in-Furness's answer to Hal David, Maurice Flitcroft. The budding pop star sent it to Les Reed, the man who wrote Delilah and It's Not Unusual, for advice. Reed replied, saying that he quite liked the lyrics but didn't appear to have been sent any music. "Can't you do that?" responded Maurice. "Surely that's the easy bit?" The catchy stanza was never committed to vinyl.
Instead, Maurice was destined to become the world's worst professional golfer, running up a score of 121 in the 1976 Open, which really pushed the golfing authorities' patience. It was on. The subsequent shenanigans are recalled in the outrageous true story of a life less ordinary, Phantom of the Open by Scott Murray and Simon Farnaby; you can win a signed copy here. Or just not bother with that charade and buy it here.
23rd over: England 69-5 (Trott 25, Prior 11) Salman Butt has been faffing around with his fields all morning, mostly reactively, to the dismay of Michael Holding and Ian Botham in the Sky box. He has had no more than three slips, which is odd given that the ball is growling both ways from a length – and now he has taken out the short leg. Prior is again beaten by a good one, this time from Amir, and that's the end of an unforgettable hour. Who needs a drink? "Why are we playing the last Test of the summer at Lord's?" says Hugh Curtis. "This is wrong. We are incurring the wrath of the Cricketing Gods. I propose Giles Clarke as a sacrifice." First time since 1991, of course. I'd like to say I had to Statsguru thatf fact. I'd like to say a lot of things.
22nd over: England 68-5 (Trott 24, Prior 11) Asif goes much wider on the crease – so wide that it was almost a no-ball – and beats Prior with another delightful leg-cutter. Prior, drawn forward into Geoff Boycott's favourite corridor, is also beaten by the final delivery of the over. What a joy Asif is. I can't recall the last time we saw a bowler with such control of both seam and swing. I love his laid-back he is as well. If you dropped a marmot in the bath, he'd calmly pick it up, bowl it on a length down the other end of the bathroom and get it to seam square. He is a remarkable character. "The tree," begins Lori McConnachie, promisingly, "is the best thing in Ultimate Big Brother."
21st over: England 67-5 (Trott 24, Prior 11) Life is starting to get a touch easier for England – these things are relative – and Prior works Amir off his pads for a couple before steering three more to third man. Trott is then drawn towards that killer wide delivery and fresh-airs a big drive. "My father accused me of putting a hex on England after Trent Bridge," says Ellen Betts. "I'm going to Lord's for the first time this Sunday and wanted to see some competitive cricket and was therefore supporting Pakistan. Andy Bull called me a good luck charm last week (clearly erroneously). How can I stop this voodoo?!" Burn your ticket in a ritual sacrifice? You could make it a big event: invite everyone in the village and get them to wear Fazal Mahmood masks to evoke the first time Pakistan's quicks skittled England.
20th over: England 60-5 (Trott 22, Prior 6) Asif draws an edge from Prior with another lovely legcutter, but the ball drops short of Butt at second slip and goes through him to the boundary. England have their own run-scoring V this morning, and it's an extremely tight one between backward point and third man. "I know he is bowling well this morning and he is only 18 but let's not go to over the top on Mohamed Amir," says Garreth Rule. "His stats currently are shaping up a bit like Jimmy Anderson, devastating when it swings (28 at 18 in England) and pretty ineffective when it doesn't (21 at 43 everywhere else)." I have to disagree. Two things: the statistical sample is far too small to be relevant, and sometimes – just occasionally – you have to try what your eyes tell you rather than what Statsguru tells you. His maturity is staggering, and nobody in the history of the game has taken so many Test wickets before his 19th birthday. I think I forgot to mention this earlier, but he's 18.
19th over: England 55-5 (Trott 22, Prior 1) Batting-loving weirdo that he is, I reckon Trott is enjoying this. He will really relish the challenge of his technique and particularly his mental strength. He is beaten by a good one slanted across him and then awkwardly works a bouncer into the leg side for a single – the first runs of Amir this morning. No wonder it was awkward: it was a huge no-ball, absolutely massive. Prior is beaten by the next ball and, as the Sky commentators are at pains to point out, this really hasn't been England's fault. Pietersen played a poor stroke but the rest got cracking deliveries. "Could you please stop greeting every wicket with so much glee?" says Melanie Brown. "Yes I appreciate it's scintillating cricket, but I'm supposed to be going on Sunday and with each dismissal that's looking less and less likely. Forgive me for shooting the messenger but frankly, you're ruining my weekend." Smyth-ruins-a-girl's-weekend-shocker. But seriously folks, because Smyth can do serious, this is just wonderful cricket. Balls to being partisan; we'll remember that half hour for years.
18th over: England 52-5 (Trott 21, Prior 0) A very streaky boundary for Trott, who drives at Asif and edges it low through the vacant third-slip area for four. England are all over the show here and there are, as Barney Ronay has just pointed out, echoes of 1997, when Glenn McGrath rolled England for 77 on this ground. Prior is beaten by a ludicrous jaffa that pitched middle and legt and swung miles past the outside edge. "Pretending to be Rob Smyth to get out of your nuptials, eh, Mr Bull?" says Andrew Benzeval. "Good disguise, but the tumble of English wickets is a dead giveaway I'm afraid." Agreed. Smyth is a good man – a thinker and a gentleman – and wouldn't do this to his twos of readers.
17th over: England 47-5 (Trott 16, Prior 0) That was so nearly Amir's fifth wicket of the morning. Prior reached outside off for another full delivery and screwed it low to gully, where it was taken by Umar Amin. Immediately he signalled to the umpires that he was not sure if it carried, and that they should go upstairs to check. It was impossible to tell either way on the replays, so Prior survives. For now. Amin has hurt his finger in the process and is leaving the field. "Re the 43s vs the 37s averages now and then, it shows how good Robin Smith's 43ish was (I know you'll know it to the n'th decimal place)," says Gary NaylOHOKAYITWAS43.67or. "What's been shown up in this summer (in the Pak vs Aus series too) is the impact of body armour on batting. For too long, it's been too easy to go hard at the ball and 'get on top of the bowlers' secure in the knowledge that being hit won't hurt. In consequence, batsmen have got used to playing at the ball instead of watching the ball - and aren't they being found out?" Interesting theory. Were I capable of anything resembling coherent thought right now – all I can do is shake my head, dribble a bit and repeatedly mutter "he's 18" – I'd try to come out with a response. While we're in Naylor territory, he's only half joking with this suggestion: "Time for a Brearleyesque declaration!"
WICKET! England 47-5 (Morgan c Hameed b Amir 0) Another Amir over, another duck: this time it's Morgan. This is unbelievable cricket. Morgan pushed tentatively at another beautiful, full outswinger and edged it low to first slip, where Yasir Hameed took a fine low catch. Like Collingwood, he lasted only three balls. Amir has four wickets for no runsthis morning – and the figures don't flatter him! In the commentary box, Ramiz Raja uses the ultimate compliment, the one usually reserved exclusively for Wasim Akram: Amir is indeed making the ball talk. It's spellbinding. He's 18.
16th over: England 47-4 (Trott 16, Morgan 0) Runs! I swear, some real runs, as Trott slices a drive off Asif past backward point for four. He drives the next ball more authentically through the covers for four more, a very good shot. Who would have thought, when he was getting pelters only four months ago, that he would be England's most reliable batsman. "If you'd knock six off of batting averages, would you do the same to bowlers'?" asks Brendan Murray. "Making Anderson a better bowler than Botham, or Steyn better than Curtley?" Nup, partly because the bowlers aren't as good, and partly because – even if the difference were entirely based on pitch conditions – there are some obvious mathematical reasons that I am far too stupid to explain why you would deduct less than six for the bowlers.
15th over: England 39-4 (Trott 8, Morgan 0) A double-wicket maiden. This is simply wonderful stuff, enough to make a grown man want to use the word 'exhilarating' to a stranger in the street and tell him all about it. "I have an actual serious cricket point," apologises Chris Rose. "Why is Ian Bell a certainty to walk back into this side? His first game in five months is likely to be a tour match Down Under. Call me pragmatic (and a Bell un-believer*), but that's just not enough preparation, is it? *I admit it, I still can't forgive him for the Harris ball" Here's a clue. (To be far to Chris, he sent this email at 10.56am, when the sky hadnv't fallen in.)
WICKET! England 39-4 (Collingwood LBW b Amir 0) Collingwood has gone third ball! He was given not out by Billy Bowden after a big LBW appeal, but it looked good and it was overturned on review. The ball pitched on a length on middle stump and jagged back really sharply, and Collingwood just couldn't drag his bat down in time. Amir has three in five balls, and England have lost three wickets without scoring a run this morning.
WICKET! England 39-3 (Pietersen c K Akmal b Amir 0) Pietersen has gone first ball! This is sensational! He threw everything at a full ball slanted across him that didn't swing back in, but it was just too wide and he could only snick it through to Akmal. In truth that's a horrible shot, and it's the fourth golden duck of his Test career. The wonderful Mohammad Amir is on a hat-trick and England in some extremely ill-smelling stuff.
14th over: England 39-2 (Trott 8, Pietersen 0) Here comes the master craftsman, Mohammad Asif, the ball on a string and Jonathan Trott in his sights. He has a biggish appeal for LBW second ball, but it was too high (Trott bats out of his crease against Asif). There's plenty of seam movement, so Trott only plays when he has to do so, and it's a maiden. "Are you able to reveal which, of OK, Hello, and Wisden has bought the rights to photograph Bull's wedding this weekend?" asks Jonathan McCauley-Oliver. Magazines? That's soooo 2009. He's sold them to Cricinfo's Twitter page.
13th over: England 39-2 (Trott 8, Pietersen 0) "What are the chances of rain tomorrow?" says Emma John. "I want to know if my M&S; coronation chicken sandwiches are going to get soggy in the Upper Edrich, and whether my mum and I are going to run out of cricket to talk about, resulting in the prospect of seven hours dissecting my career/my hair/my lack of a husband." With it being before midday and what passes for my brain thus not in gear, I originally read that as 'my lack of hair'. I'm not sure what the moral of this story is. Drink more coffee?
WICKET! England 39-2 (Cook c K Akmal b Amir 10) This is magnificent cricket. Amir had only three balls left from the over he started yesterday, but there was not even the sniff of a loosener. The first ball brought a forward defensive. The second was a jaffa that beat Cook, and the third swung late to take the edge of Cook's defensive stroke on its way through to Kamran Akmal. Cook had to play at that. It's just brilliant fast bowling from anyone, never mind an 18-year-old.
10.58am The players are coming onto the field. I don't know about you, but I'm this excited about this morning's play. England are going to get a serious workout.
There, I've said it department John McCririck is the best thing on Ultimate Big Brother. Those chats with the tree! The toplessness! The toplessness!
Paul Collingwood's verdict on yesterday "It was a very boring day listening to Swanny to be honest."
I love Paul Collingwood, and I love Graeme Swann.
Preach on brother department "How wonderful it's been to see the balance between bat and ball swing back in the bowler's favour," says Andy Stiff. "I've enjoyed this series a damn sight more than any in recent summers, bar both Ashes. Best of all, I'm working in Reading and have been watching festival scum getting drenched for the last three days. It's all upside."
It's fascinating how many modern batsmen, sitting snugly on a Test average in the 40s, come out in a rash every time the ball starts deviating off the straight. I'd still take Atherton/Hussain/Lamb's 37ish average of the 43ish average of most of this England team.
Song du jour department Indeed this whole album is brilliant, for two main reasons:
1. Surf-pop perfection.
2. Cool sleeve art. With a cat.
That said, their best song of all isn't on the album.
More good news and bad news Play should start at 11am if it doesn't rain and the world doesn't end in the next half hour. We will have a maximum of 98.3 overs in the day.
Preamble Good morning all. A great philosopher once said, there's good news and bad news, and that's certainly the case at Lord's today. The good news is that it's overcast and a little bit wet – and that's the bad news too.
If you're English and into the whole results thing, it's good because we should lose more time in a game that England only need draw, and it's bad news because, when we do play, England will be exposed to another trial by MAMA: the magnificent Pakistan duo of Mohammad Amir and Mohammad Asif, who are surely the best new-ball pair in the world in such conditions.
If you're a cricket fan first and an England fan second (probably an entertainer third), it's good because we will see Amir and Asif, whose partnership should become the abiding memory of this summer, work their magic in favourable conditions, and it's bad because we might not see so much of them.
Either way, England will resume on 39 for one, with Alastair Cook somehow not out on 10 and Jonathan Trott on eight. As my colleague Barney Ronay said a moment ago, as we annoyed urgent Guardianistas by getting in their way while talking about cricket on the stairs, there aren't many England batsmen you'd back to succeed in these conditions and in current form. Trott and Prior, but that's about it. Then again, that walking wicket Bull – the OBO answer to Gerry Liebenberg and Vikram Rathore is what the people aren't calling him – has gone off to get married, so there's every chance England will rack 14 million for two.
