funny parent quotes - teh lulz's crazy dad said

Lolcats, cats and funny pictures - Cyoot Kitteh of teh Day: And Dreem ob Chikz

Lolcats, cats and funny pictures - U Do Has teh Helth Inshurinse, Rite?

Lolcats, cats and funny pictures - Cyoot Kitteh of teh Day: Ai Lubs U, Butt (!) Wen U Turn Into Friez?

Lolcats, cats and funny pictures - GIF: Got Intew teh 'Nip Again, Mate!

Lolcats, cats and funny pictures - MemeCats: Teh Sad Troof ob Kitteh Petting

Lolcats, cats and funny captions - Cyoot Kitteh of teh Day: Maid Kitteh Is Asleep on teh Job

Lolcats, cats and funny pictures - GIF: Let teh Majik Beginz!

Lolcats, cats and funny captions - Cyoot Kitteh of teh Day: Snuggle Buddies

funny pictures - Teh wut???

Lead me from dreaming to waking. Lead me from opacity to clarity. Lead me from the complicated to the simple. Lead me from the obscure to the obvious. Lead me from intention to attention. Lead me from what I'm told I am to what I see I am. Lead me from confrontation to wide openness. Lead me to the place I never left, Where there is peace, and peace - The Upanishads
 -added by mahayogi danny-
.................
Chapter III. Questions and Answers
One day Prefect Wei entertained the Patriarch and asked him to preach to a big gathering. At the end of the feast, Prefect Wei asked him to mount the pulpit (to which the Patriarch consented). After bowing twice reverently, in company with other officials, scholars, and commoners, Prefect Wei said, "I have heard what Your Holiness preached. It is really so deep that it is beyond our mind and speech, and I have certain doubts which I hope you will clear up for me." 

"If you have any doubts," replied the Patriarch, "please ask, and I will explain."(said the Master,flexing his jaws,and knowing that the questions were so lame...added by danny)

"What you preach are the fundamental principles taught by Bodhidharma, are they not?" "Yes," replied the Patriarch. "I was told," said Prefect Wei, "that at Bodhidharma's first interview with Emperor Wu of Liang he was asked what merits the Emperor would get for the work of his life in building temples, allowing new monks to be ordained (royal consent was necessary at that time), giving alms and entertaining the Sangha; and his reply was that these would bring no merits ar all. Now, I cannot understand why he gave such an answer. Will you please explain."  

"These would bring no merits," replied the Patriarch.(he meant that no amount of mind forms trying to act,or do good would help you after you died..for they all die with your body..if your consciousness is tight to the body,and your acts  -added by danny) "Don't doubt the words of the Sage. Emperor Wu's mind was under an erroneous impression, and he did not know the orthodox teaching. Such deeds as building temples, allowing new monks to be ordained, giving alms and entertaining the Sangha will bring you only felicities, which should not be taken for merits. Merits are to be found within the Dharmakaya, and they have nothing to do with practices for attaining felicities."(he speaks about the ultimate aim..for the individual..-added by danny) The Patriarch went on, "Realization of the Essence of Mind is Kung (good deserts), and equality is Teh (good quality). When our mental activity works without any impediment, so that we are in a position to know constantly the true state and the mysterious functioning of our own mind, we are said to have acquired Kung Teh (merits).(here the Master talks about essence and function ..you won't find anyone better then him explaining,besides me,perhaps..read carefully what he says..)
Within, to keep the mind in a humble mood is Kung; and without, to behave oneself according to propriety is Teh. That all things are the manifestation of the Essence of Mind is Kung, and that the quintessence of mind is free from idle thoughts is Teh. Not to go astray from the Essence of Mind is Kung, and not to pollute the mind in using it is Teh. If you seek for merits within the Dharmakaya, and do what I have just said, what you acquire will be real merits.(seek the kingdom of GOD within..as Jesus said (dharmakaya) and the function will appear(if you want any function..careful..I meant this AFTER realization,not before..do not ever think that you'll have a function after realization unless you invent one..remember Ramana Maharish?..he just stayed in his cave) added by danny..by real merits he means good karma in life)
He who works for merits does not slight others; and on all occasions he treats everybody with respect. He who is in the habit of looking down upon others has not got rid of the erroneous idea of a self, which indicates his lack of Kung. Because of his egotism and his habitual contempt for all others, he knows not the real Essence of Mind; and this shows his lack of Teh.(the Master here explains the loss of self of realized people..we become one with the essence of all the others..if you still have a self idea,you'll always blame others..not knowing you're projecting your own division to others..in other words..if you are love,you'll see only love in others,besides their faults..the same principle applies to you,or,,as you judge yourself ..you judge others,,..added by danny-) Learned Audience, when our mental activity works without interruption, then it is Kung; and when our mind functions in a straightforward manner, then it is Teh. To train our own mind is Kung, and to train our own body is Teh.(he means the source and function ..the function is the body..the source of the mind(in action..) he means by Kung..added by danny)
Learned Audience, merits should be sought within the Essence of Mind and they cannot be acquired by almsgiving, entertaining the monks, etc. We should therefore distinguish between felicities and merits. There is nothing wrong in what our Patriarch said. It is Emperor Wu himself who did not know the true way."(emperor Wu actually did allot to save the budhist religion,by protecting the monks and helping them..the master says he did nothing to inside of HIM..and all he did was to OUTSIDE..therefore..he would NOT be helped much after his death..in other words..the emperor Wu tried to buy his enlightenment ..and he was wrong,since this is an individual process..-added by danny-)
Prefect Wei then asked the next question. "I notice that it is a common practice for monks and laymen to recite the name of Amitabha with the hope of being born in the Pure Land of the West. To clear up my doubts, will you please tell me whether it is possible for them to be born there or not." "Listen to me carefully, Sir," replied the Patriarch, "and I will explain.
According to the Sutra spoken by the Bhagavat in Shravasti City for leading people to the Pure Land of the West, it is quite clear that the Pure Land is not far from here, for the distance in mileage is 108,000, which really represents the 'ten evils' and 'eight errors' within us. To those of inferior mentality certainly it is far away, but to superior men we may say that it is quite near. Although the Dharma is uniform, men vary in their mentality.
Because they differ from one another in their degree of enlightenment or ignorance, therefore some understand the Dharma quicker than others.
While ignorant men recite the name of Amitabha and pray to be born in the Pure Land, the enlightened purify their mind, for, as the Buddha said, 'When the mind is pure, the Buddha Land is simultaneously pure.' "Although you are a native of the East, if your mind is pure you are sinless.
One the other hand, even if you were a native of the West an impure mind could not free you from sin, When the people of the East commit a sin, they recite the name of Amitabha and pray to be born in the West; but in the case of sinners who are natives of the West, where should they pray to be born? Ordinary men and ignorant people understand neither the Essence of Mind nor the Pure Land within themselves, so they wish to be born in the East or the West. But to the enlightened everywhere is the same. As the Buddha said, 'No matter where they happen to be, they are always happy and comfortable.' "Sir, if your mind is free from evil the West is not far from here; but difficult indeed it would be for one whose heart is impure to be born there by invoking Amitabha! "Now, I advise you, Learned Audience, first to do away with the 'ten evils'; then we shall have travelled one hundred thousand miles. For the next step, do away with the 'eight errors', and this will mean another eight thousand miles traversed. If we can realize the Essence of Mind at all times and behave in a straightforward manner on all occasions, in the twinkling of an eye we may reach the Pure Land and there see Amitabha.
"If you only put into practice the ten good deeds, there would be no necessity for you to be born there. On the other hand, if you do not do away with the 'ten evils' in your mind, which Buddha will take you there? If you understand the Birthless Doctrine (which puts an end to the cycle of birth and death) of the 'Sudden' School, it takes you only a moment to see the West. If you do not understand, how can you reach there by reciting the name of Amitabha, as the distance is so far? "Now, how would you like it if I were to shift the Pure Land to your presence this very moment, so that all of you might see it?"

The congregation made obeisance and replied, "If we might see the Pure Land here there would be no necessity for us to desire to be born there. Will Your Holiness kindly let us see it by having it removed here." The Patriarch said, "Sirs, this physical body of ours is a city.(the Master here really explains..listen carefully..he speaks about the means to free..by explaining the results in advance,as if you had them already-added by danny-)
Our eyes, ears, nose and tongue are the gates. There are five external gates, while the internal one is ideation. The mind is the ground. The Essence of Mind is the King who lives in the domain of the mind. While the Essence of Mind is in, the King is in, and our body and mind exist. When the Essence of Mind is out, there is no King and our body and mind decay.
We should work for Buddhahood within the Essence of Mind, and we should not look for it apart from ourselves. He who is kept in ignorance of his Essence of Mind is an ordinary being. He who is enlightened in his Essence of Mind is a Buddha. To be merciful is Avalokitesvara (one of the two principal Bodhisattvas of the Pure Land). To take pleasure in almsgiving is Mahasthama (the other Bodhisattva). Competence for a pure life is Sakyamuni (one of the titles of Gautama Buddha). Equality and straightforwardness is Amitabha. The idea of a self or that of a being is Mount Meru. A depraved mind is the ocean. Klesa (defilement) is the billow. Wickedness is the evil dragon.
Falsehood is the devil. The wearisome sense objects are the aquatic animals.
Greed and hatred are the hells. Ignorance and infatuation are the brutes.
"Learned Audience, if you constantly perform the ten good deeds, paradise will appear to you at once. When you get rid of the idea of a self and that of a being, Mount Meru will topple. When the mind is no longer depraved, the ocean (of existence) will be dried up. When you are free from klesa, billows and waves (of the ocean of existence) will calm down. When wickedness is alien to you, fish and evil dragons will die out.
"Within the domain of our mind, there is a Tathagata of Enlightenment who sends forth a powerful light which illumines externally the six gates (of sensation) and purifies them. This light is strong enough to pierce through the six Kama Heavens (heavens of desire); and when it is turned inwardly it eliminates at once the three poisonous elements, purges away our sins which might lead us to the hells or other evil realms, and enlightens us thoroughly within and without, so that we are no different from those born in the Pure Land of the West. Now, if we do not train ourselves up to this standard, how can we reach the Pure Land?" Having heard what the Patriarch said, the congregation knew their Essence of Mind very clearly. They made obeisance and exclaimed in one voice, "Well done!" They also chanted, "May all the sentient beings of this Universe who have heard this sermon at once understand it intuitively." The Patriarch added, "Learned Audience, those who wish to train themselves (spiritually) may do so at home. It is quite unnecessary for them to stay in monasteries. Those who train themselves at home may be likened unto a native of the East who is kind-hearted, while those who stay in monasteries but neglect their work differ not from a native of the West who is evil in heart. So far as the mind is pure, it is the 'Western Pure Land of one's own Essence of Mind'." Prefect Wei asked, "How should we train ourselves at home? Will you please teach us."
The Patriarch replied, "I will give you a 'formless' stanza. If you put its teaching into practice you will be in the same position as those who live with me permanently. On the other hand, if you do not practice it, what progress can you make in the spiritual path, even though you cut your hair and leave home for good (i.e., join the Sangha)? The stanza reads:
For a fair mind, observation of precepts (Sila) is unnecessary.
For straightforward behavior, practice in Dhyana (contemplation) may be dispensed with.
On the principle of righteousness, the superior and the inferior stand for each other (in time of need).
On the principle of mutual desire to please, the senior and junior are on affectionate terms.
On the principle of forbearance, we do not quarrel even in the midst of a hostile crowd.
If we can persevere till fire can be obtained through rubbing a piece of wood, Then the red lotus (the Buddha-nature) will shoot out from the black mire (the unenlightened state).
That which is of bitter taste is bound to be good medicine.
That which sounds unpleasant to the ear is certainly frank advice.
By amending our mistakes, we get wisdom.
By defending our faults, we betray an unsound mind.
In our daily life we should always practice altruism, But Buddhahood is not to be attained by giving away money as charity.
Bodhi is to be found within our own mind, And there is no necessity to look for mysticism from without.
Hearers of this stanza who put its teaching into actual practice Will find paradise in their very presence.
The Patriarch added, "Learned Audience, all of you should put into practice what is taught in this stanza, so that you can realize the Essence of Mind and attain Buddhahood directly. The Dharma waits for no one. I am going back to Ts'ao Ch'i, so the assembly may now break up. If you have any questions, you may come there to put them." At this juncture Prefect Wei, the government officials, pious men, and devout ladies who were present were all enlightened. Faithfully they accepted the teaching and put it into practice.
(what can I say more?..I''ll add later comments ..kiss)


To nourish the vital energy, keep watch in silence;

funny pictures - Iz bery hard to reach teh high notes.

Lolcats, cats and funny captions - Cyoot Kitteh of teh Day: Ai Lub Feelin teh Warm Sun in Mah Fur

As I mentioned a few weeks back, I'll be headed to Notacon 8 a little later this week. If you're going, drop me a line and we'll grab a drink or something. And if you can't make it, not to worry - there's another event right around the corner. It's called Penguicon, and it's being held in Troy, Michigan from April 29 - May 1.

Penguicon is a unique blend of open source software and science fiction. When I first heard about it, I gave a Teal'c/Tuvok-esque eyebrow raise, and then realized, hmph... I guess there is a bit of an overlap. But it's a whole lot more than just that, as the events page shows. Take for example, this video from Penguicon 4 where Rob Landley (one of the co-founders) threw a bowl of liquid nitrogen into the hotel swimming pool.

This year, I'll be joined by Lorne Kates, and we'll be doing a number of TDWTF-related things. th { text-align: left; background-color:#EAEAEA; }

Title	Learn to Write Awful Code (… so you won't)
Format	Presentation (Alex, Lorne)
In Brief	An high-level overview presentation on common coding pitfalls and malpractices. Presentation with slides (projector + screen needed)
Description	Come learn teh codez! Implement the latest anti-patterns 2.0! Earn job security through unmentionable code! Avoid (discoverable) bugs! Digest you design documents and drop the remains behind the couch for future generations to discover . (Not that you ever would, good sir or ma'am. We believe in you. Just nod, back away slowly, and check-in your revision before anyone notices.)
Title	Pitch a WTF?!
Format	Round Table (Hosted by Alex & Lorne)
In Brief	Interactive with Alex & Lorne. An open forum for participants to rant about the WTFs they've encountered (or caused). We'll have stickers on hand, and if things go well, we hope to turn a participant's WTF into a featured article on thedailywtf.com
Description	Have you've ever been driven to uttering those other three little words? Join us and share, rant, vent, or just absorb the awfulness from your fellow coders. Shared pain is lessened, or at least funny at someone's expense.
Title	WTF Unplugged
Format	Presentation, solo (Lorne).
In Brief	A live, dramatic reading of an upcoming WTF Featured Article. It will be one that isn't on the site yet, so you'll get a sneak preview to boot.
Description	Lorne will give a reading of the upcoming featured article. A Penguicon exclusive sneak peak!
Title	Open Source Gateway Drugs
Format	Panel w/ Alex, Lorne (moderator), others
In Brief	Specific recommendations of libraries/frameworks to showcase the usefulness of open-source to closed-source shops. (e.g. showing how to replace dozens of lines of javascript with a single line of jQuery, painless alternatives to MS AjaxToolkit).
Description	Most closed-source shops could benefit from open source, but avoid it out of fear or ignorance. How do you approach non-technical roadblocks (resistant supervisors, co-workers, etc) to 'just try one'? And once you do, which libraries/frameworks provide the most convincing and addictive bang for the buck?

Get a TDWTF Mug!

After registering you'll be able to get one of the elusive The Daily WTF mugs! Simply print out this coupon, and then scan it to a .jpg file and send it to me. I'll also accept a photograph of the coupon.

About Penguicon

Penguicon is a convention in the United States that deliberately brings together the often-overlapping communities of science fiction fandom and Linux User Groups. In addition to educational panels on areas of interest to science fiction fans and both professional and beginner-level panels on Linux and Open-source software, Penguicon participants can enjoy an anime room, filk (the folk music of science fiction fandom), swordfighting demonstrations, dancing, OpenCola, gaming—live action role-playing game, computer, board and cards—and more.

A coupe weeks ago, Teh Discovery Institute held some kind of revival 'conference' at a local Evangelical church. The Usual Suspects were there-- Caseytits, West, some other guy, but also my HIV Evolution BFF Michael Behe. I ended up not being able to go due to a scheduling conflict. I was at a conference on HIV Evolution, which as we all know, according to the worlds most preeminent HIV researcher Michael Behe, doesnt exist.

So Ive been Googling around trying to get a recap of what went down.

Apparently, nothing.

As the kids say, "not a single fuck was given that day".

Not one blog post or news article or message board comment by any Evangelical, who went to the event and was moved to post a word. There is only this second-hand recap from our awesome Americans United local prez, Mike Fuller.

*sarcasm* DARN YOU CHARISMATIC CREATIONISTS!! They must have put everyone in a trance of some kind! Some people call it 'sleep', but I know better! Im on to them!

Hey!

Funny coincidence!

Know who spoke at my Uni yesterday? Edward Stephens! Hes talked about "The Role of Vpu in HIV-1 Pathogenesis" (hes got about 20 papers on Vpu up on PubMed (alone, not including all his other HIV-1 work)). Really neat talk about how Vpu has evolved differentially in all the subtypes from the SIV_CPZ Vpu ancestor. LOL, turns out the HIV-1 versions dont look or behave like SIV_CPZ Vpu. HIV-1 Group M stumbled upon several amino acid changes (different ways in different subtypes, while some subtypes havent, like Subtype F) that increased viral release in infected human cells. Almost like Vpu is a 'new gene' working in a 'new way', making 'new protein-protein interactions' in response to 'new selective pressures', aka new functions/phenotypes from random mutation and natural selection. Also, tetherin might not be the only 'new' protein its interacting with now.

BUT THAT CANT BE RIGHT, AMIRITE??

LOL! Dr. Stephens, what a rube! Wasting his life on Evilution, speaking to fellow scientists, discovering new things and helping us understand the world around us, helping us relieve the strain of a deadly epidemic on humanity-- when he could be leading sermons for 150-200 dozing patrons in church basements like the great Michael Behe, degrading, distorting, and ignoring the hard work of others, while contributing nothing of value to humanity himself (while still collecting a paycheck).

Ruuuuuube!

Read the comments on this post...

I have a Server 2003 SP2 server running BE12. I am unable to run two critical backup jobs because the folders are reading out of disk space when they are clearly not. I checked each B2D drive and see that teh drives are way above teh limit I set in the B2D properties. I also checked some forums here and tried the Pause/UnPause...not working. I even restarted all BE service....nothing. I am also getting B2D offline. It is funny because it is only these two B2D folder out of over 20 that I have setup...all others are working fine. Do I need to re-create teh B2D folders? or is there anotehr way to get this resolved?

 Jackpot is AWESOME!!! SOLID build and still growing! Please read whole ad...there is so much to say about her to get as much info to you as possible...I think you will like her! This little girl will take you places both in and out of the show ring, on and off the trails! TONS of potential...I hate to sell her as she is proving to be all I expected and more, which I why I am selling her. I think she can make a go for herself with teh right trainer, training and rider...I just don't think that I am the right one for her to succeed...I trail ride only...pleasure...she is definately one for the ring and pleasure. Reining, trail, all around, kids horse, family horse...you name it. She has a great upbeat personality but is well mannered and just perfect! Oh, and cutting...she herds the deer on our properties...very fun to watch! Jackpot has a nice natural slide stop, roll back and has even started spinning in the pen while playing with the other horses...or her grain bucket. Nice lope and trot, has picked up correct leads in the round pen and arena and on the line and has also done lead changes while free lunging in the round pen and arena. She really like to get into a nice lope and hit the breaks, roll back and start again...she is funny to watch play. Have also seen her race the other mares up the pasture and she can get some speed, so I think barrels and other speed events may suite her great with her temperment and personality and the love to just work. As of March 26th, Jackpot was started under saddle nice, easy and slow on a very flat walk trail ride and did amazing! Better then I ever expected! I have started her with basic ground work with pressure and verbal commands which made riding her last weekend a breeze...hardly any rein at all keeping her respect on the bit when needed, but not fighting her and giving her a tough mouth and no respect. We did mostly leg and verbal commands in the saddle like we do on the ground. Light kicks to get her up and moving a few times, but nothing exciting. Didn't have a problem taking the lead or following behind. NO SPOOK!!! This girl knew she had a job to do and did it. She never once flintched or spooked at anything and we are in the mountains with tons of possible spook items. I will leave her sit now for a few weeks before doing another light ride on her, then sit again. She does get basic ground work daily just to keep her thinking and in check, but nothing like a true work out...daily stuff. I don't want to rush her as she is doing so well...don't ruin a good thing, and she is still young, she has plenty of time to be ridden. Well bred! Jackpot has Hollywood Dunit on her papers, and bred with the right stallion later down the road, you could have a dual registerable foal with great color, disposition and confirmation. She is very cute, well mannered and only learning with age. I trust my 8yo daughter to handle her, feed her, brush her, etc., she is very laid back and just wants to be loved. Being young I still keep an eye on her if she tries to push the kids around, but she knows the rules. Jackpot will be attending a Spook Proof clinic in two weeks which I know she will do a great job and come out that much better for it. Loads, ties, stands for farrier and bath, clips, etc. UTD on shots, wormer and trim. Farrier says she has great feet and has been a charm to work with, he really likes her temperment, attitude, build and such like that...but being a foot guy, loves her feet! You can't go wrong with Jackpot. Again, I would love to keep her, but she is everything I expected and more, therefore, I think she deservves more than I can give her. I really do see her being a family horse. She loves my kids and my 4yo has ponied on her being lead and she does the job and never acts up....great horse! http://www.allbreedpedigree.com/colonelswondjackpot PLEASE contact with any additional questions or concerns. I really am very honest and will tell you what is what up front. I want the right home for her. ALL reasonable offers will be considered to the right home!!! Will make a great 4H, family, cutting, trail or you name it horse. She has the potential to all around and earn her APHA points at shows and do well! Also eligable for PtHA registry and I have already talked with the breeder and she is willing to sign papers and I can help you get those done if interested. Thanks!!!

By Rich Hansen, MMA Torch Columnist

Sorry for the late start in covering Titan FC 17, live on HDNet. I'll post the results for the first two fights, and then provide my thoughts throughout the rest of the card.

Fight #1: Anthony Gutierrez defeats Jon Hollis at 4:40 of round 1 (submission via triangle choke)

Fight #2: James Krause defeats Nathan Schut at 0:40 of round 1 (TKO via head kick, followed by ground and pound)

Fight #3: Alonzo Martinez vs. Aaron Derrow:

9:36 PM (Central Daylight time) - Martinez has a red, green, and white checkerboard where his hair is supposed to be. He did a good job avoiding a triangle, then an armbar, from Derrow, who is apparently known as Daddy Long Legs.

9:39 - The bottom of Derrow's feet are so yellow I think that they slept with Tommy Lee.

9:41 - This is really sloppy. Not good sloppy, but bad, I know what to do but have no idea how to do it, sloppy. This is so bad that Don Frye should be doing commentary.

9:42 - Round 1 is over. It's been fun in spots, but not particularly good.

9:44 - Derrow's cornermen are wearing headbands. I mean, like, let's get physical, physical. I wanna get physicaaaaaaaalllllll, let's get into physical, style. 1983 called. They said, yeah, go ahead and keep that look, you guys can have that one.

9:46 - Martinez is the smaller fighter, better striker. Has been fairly successful at keeping the fight on the feet.

9:48 - Derrow spent most of the time on his back. Martinez is content to stay inside his close guard and do minimal damage. Other than a late attempt near the end of the round, Derrow was unable to try for a submission. 20-18 Martinez.

9:49 - I know what you're thinking. You're superfly pissed off that I didn't tell you my scoring after round on1. Forgiv-uh-ness, please!

9:51 - Derrow with a knockdown to open the round. Schiavello with the sing-song voice. Goes for Martinez' back, couldn't get it, and Martinez escapes. More punching-type violence ensues, and Derrow is on top. Martinez lost his mouth piece. Round still has 2+ minutes left, and it's looking like it could go 10-8.

9:53 - Martinez is turtling, Derrow's on top, pounding away at his head in north-south. Gets his back, looking for a choke. Martinez is tough, fighting that one off. Martinez wound up in Derrow's guard, and he's throwing elbows. Schiavello's into this one now, to say the least.

9:54 - Martinez gets to his feet, Droow gets up, and the round ends with Derrow throwing exhausted bombs. I score it 28-28.

9:57 - Alonzo Martinez defeats Aaron Derrow by Majority Decision (28-28, 29-28, 29-28)

10:00 - That third round was a lot of fun. Even more fun than Zane Lamprey's Drinking Made Easy commercials...

Fight #4: Eric Marriott vs. Willian De Souza

10:02 - Nope. I've never heard of either of them, either.

10:03 - Taped piece on 190 pounds of Bobby Lashley and 60 pounds of unnecessarily muscle. Apparently the day after the Griggs fight, Lashley was diagnosed with mono. I did not know that.

10:08 - Oh, I almost forgot. Someone in the last fight came out to something that sounded like Evanescence. If I find out who, I will hate them forever.

10:10 - These guys fight at 150. De Souza sports a 2-1 record. Marriott is from Missouri, and has a 19-X (bad audio) record.

10:12 - De Souza wants to get the fight to the ground. I would think so, because his standup looks as awkward as a 5'11" 4th grader.

10:20 - We're half way through round 2 now. Stoopid satellite dish.

10:21 - Marriott is toying with De Souza. De Souza was butt-scooting, and took a spinning heel kick to the butt for his troubles. Oh, @DuaneFinleyMMA gave round 1 to Marriott, so you should too.

10:21 (and a half) - Oh, sorry, this isn't Twitter.

10:36 - Eric Marriott defeats William De Souza by Unanimous Decision (30-27 x3)

Sorry for the scant coverage. The baby was crying. And no, that was not a joke at Jamie Penick's expense.

Fight #5: Phil Baroni vs. Nick Nolte:

10:39 - If only Phil Baroni's parents would have named him Gary Busey. [sigh]

10:41 - They ran a taped piece a few minutes ago where Baroni showed off his abs and called himself "The Circumstance", Jersey shore style. There's nothing I can add to that. Nolte weighed in at 185, Baroni is in at 183.

10:43 - Baroni getting booed before the bell. Nolte is 3-2 in his career, and hails from Kansas City, MO. I wonder how he got this gig, other than to be a glorified punching bag.

10:44 - I just used the phrase 'glorified punching bag' during a Baroni fight without describing Baroni. Huh. How bout that.

10:45 - Nolte needs a tan.

10:47 - Baroni spent the first two minutes of the match getting pressed into the cage. Gee, I hope he doesn't get tired. Baroni's been trying to use his wrestling game, and three minutes in, he's on top, inside Nolte's guard.

10:49 - Nolte had Baroni pressed against the cage and did precisely no damage. Baroni got side control for the last 90 seconds, and did exactly no damage. give this one to Baroni, I suppose.

10:51 - Round 2, and Rameau Thierry Baroni came out hot, but had his back against the fence within 30 seconds. Kruck interviewed Josh Thomson (AKA Teammate of Baroni). Thomson's a decent dude. Baroni's on top now, to Thomson's pleasure.

10:53 - Ref stands them up. Baroni gets another takedown, and immediately takes a break to, you know, breathe. Interesting, seeing as how he's in side control and choosing to take a breather. One minute left, crowd starting to boo.

10:55 - Schiavello: Nolte's taking more shots than teh New york mob. Really?

10:56 - First 30 seconds of round 3, Baroni lands a haymaker, nolte is hurt, but Baroni doesn't move one inch for 10 seconds. Baroni's out on his feet, and Nolte is too inexperienced to do anything about it. This is TUF 10, or Kimbo v. Houston Alexander bad.

10:58 - They're both gassed. Gentleman's agreement to both go to the ground. Baroni lands on top of Nolte, can't get mount even though Nolte is unconscious. Apparently he's breathing SO hard that it's enough to keep Baroni from being able to get mount.

10:59 - Side control. This is awful. If the ref stands them up, It's gonna be like the end of Rocky vs. Apollo Creed 2. The fight is over. Baroni will get the win.

11:02 - Phil Baroni defeats Nick Nolte by Mutual Exhaustion Unanimous Decision (29-28, 30-27, 29-28)

11:03 - I'd rather see Cro Cop vs. Arlovski vs. Sylvia vs. Liddell than see Baroni. Speaking of Sylvia...

Fight #6: Abe Wagner vs. Aron Rosa:

11:08 - Wagner made his name of of Tim Sylvia which would explain why his name is so small.

11:11 - It's funny listening to the Aussie Michael Schiavello try to roll the letter 'R' in Rosa's name.

11:12 - I hate myself and love MMA, which are the two prerequisites to make it through tonight's card. I envy Penick for not having HDNet in his house...

11:14 - Rosa is Spanish for 'pudgy'.

11:15 - Wagner is +130. He just beat tim Sylvia. MMAMath says, Sylvia sucks.

11:18 - Punchie punchie, eventually Rosa lands on top and does very little. Still a hundred times better than round 3 of the Baroni fight.

11:20 - Ref says, "Come on guys, you gotta work," and then stifles a laugh. 10-9 Rosa. blechh.

11:22 - Rosa with the Big Kabosh, and then 30 seconds later chokes out Wagner. Tim Sylvia just shook his head slowly and ate a big Mac. Another Big Mac, I should say.

Fight #6: Aaron Rosa defeats Abe Wagner at :30 of round 2 (submission via rear naked choke)

11:24: Meh.

Fight #7: Bobby Lashley vs. John Ott

11:37 - Lashley is -1800. Ott is +1150. $100 on Lashley would earn you $5.55.

11:38 - Lashley with the immediate double leg. Ott's defending well for a minute, but how long can he avoid the big haymaker or elbow?

11:41 - Ott's face is going to look like Diego Sanchez' face after the Kampmann fight. Lashley is doing tremendous damage. He hasn't tried to pass guard, and has been throwing elbows and hammerfists from guard for more than 4.5 minutes.

11:45 - On to round two, somehow. Lashley took his mouthpiece out of his mouth right before the bell rang to start round two, just to buy 10 seconds. He's THAT tired. He's gassed, but Ott is damaged. Lashley took a full minute to shoot the double leg. It was ugly as jell, but he got him down. In guard, against the cage, and now side control halfway through the 2nd round. Lashley can't do anything, and Ott can't escape. It's like a Mobeus Strip of Suck.

11:49 - 20-17 Lashley. this is one of the five worst fights I have ever seen.

11:50 - I can't describe how bad Lashley looks on his feet. He's got the entire crowd, and Schiavello, cheering against him. Lashley literally can't move, and Ott isn't doing ANYTHING. Lashley is so tired he can't even fall down. Lashley is almost spitting out his mouthguard from breathing so hard. Crowd is chanting OTT OTT OTT, even though he's done NOTHING.

11:52 - Double leg. And the crowd goes silent. Worst fight I have ever seen.

11:57 - Bobby Lashley defeats Nick Nolte by Unanimous Decision (29-27, 30-27, 29-27)

11:59 - I'll never watch Lashley fight again. I have better things to do with my life than watch this shit.

Putting helium in one end makes you talk funny. Putting it in the other end makes you walk funny.

but wif eether end, teh kitteh iz funneh.

Oh brother. Oh sister, too. Once more into the breach with fundamentalist Christians blaming gays for all the terrible things in America. This time its the American Family Association are blaming Wikileaks on the "Gay Agenda" of the soldier under arrest for leaking the Iraq War documents to Wikileaks:

Bryan Fischer, the AFA's head of issues analysis, believes he knows what motivated the man thought to be behind the WikiLeaks release of State Department cables: A "homosexual" agenda.

Private Bradley Manning, who has been in US custody since he was linked to a WikiLeaks release earlier this year, "sold out his country in what may turn out to be fit of gay pique," Fischer writes at the AFA's blog.

Kind of reminds you of the Rosenberg case, doesn't it, where nut jobs blame the Jews for the "secrets" of limited if any value regarding the US atomic bomb project that Julius and Ethel Rosenberg gave to the Soviet Union.

Because, apparently, Private Manning's alleged sexual orientation had nothing to do with his decision to turnover documents about the Iraq war to Wikileaks, which was based on his political views according to the hacker who alerted US authorities to Manning's actions:

computer hacker Adrian Lamo, who is believed to be the person who alerted authorities to the source of the leaks, said Manning was evidently “explaining how the first world exploits the third, in detail, from an internal perspective.”

That the AFA (funny how it has the same acronym as the Air Force Academy) chose to exploit Private Manning's sexuality in their senseless and relentless campaign against members of the LGBT community, many of whom served with distinction in the US Military, is comparable to the "blood libel" that is always thrown in the faces of Jews. Just as the "Jews" didn't murder Jesus, there is no homosexual agenda to undermine America, except in the minds of hateful bigots, many of whom would like to do to homosexuals what Hitler and the Nazis did to the Jews in WWII: exterminate them:

You Can Run But You Cannot Hide, Inc., a 501(c)3 nonprofit ministry that brings its hard rock gospel into public schools, has been deepening its long-running ties to the Republican Party of Minnesota. Long a cause célèbre for Rep. Michele Bachmann, who has twice lent her name to the group’s fundraising efforts, You Can Run (YCR) had a booth at the GOP convention in April, and the group’s frontman, Bradlee Dean, reports that gubernatorial candidate Tom Emmer recently accepted an invitation to visit with him at Dean’s home. But recent controversial statements by Dean — that Muslim countries calling for the execution of gays and lesbians are “more moral than even the American Christians” — have drawn the ire of some both within and outside the party.

“Muslims are calling for the executions of homosexuals in America,” Dean said on YCR’s May 15 radio show on AM 1280 the Patriot. “This just shows you they themselves are upholding the laws that are even in the Bible of the Judeo-Christian God, but they seem to be more moral than even the American Christians do, because these people are livid about enforcing their laws. They know homosexuality is an abomination.”

“If America won’t enforce the laws, God will raise up a foreign enemy to do just that,” Dean continued. “That is what you are seeing in America.”

“The bottom line is this… they [homosexuals] play the victim when they are, in fact, the predator,” Dean said, before going on to make a claim that has no basis in fact: “On average, they molest 117 people before they’re found out. How many kids have been destroyed, how many adults have been destroyed because of crimes against nature?”

What a surprise they support Rep. Michele Bachmann, eh?

And what a non-surprise that the American Family Association is listed as a hate group by The Southern Poverty Law Center.

Methodist minister Donald E. Wildmon formed the National Federation for Decency in 1977, changing its name to the American Family Association (AFA) in 1988. Today, the group, which was taken over by Tim Wildmon after his father’s 2010 retirement, claims a remarkable 2 million online supporters and 180,000 subscribers to its AFA Journal. It also broadcasts over nearly 200 radio stations.

The AFA seeks to support “traditional moral values,” but in recent years it has seemed to specialize in “combating the homosexual agenda.” In 2009, it hired Bryan Fischer, the former executive director of the Idaho Values Alliance, as its director of analysis for government and policy. Taking a page from the anti-gay fabulist Scott Lively (see Abiding Truth Ministries, above), Fischer claimed in a blog post last May 27 that “[h]omosexuality gave us Adolph Hitler, and homosexuals in the military gave us the Brown Shirts, the Nazi war machine and 6 million dead Jews.” (Ironically, the elder Wildmon was widely denounced as an anti-Semite after suggesting that Jews control the media, which the AFA says “shows a genuine hostility towards Christians.”) Fischer has described Hitler as “an active homosexual” who sought out gays “because he could not get straight soldiers to be savage and brutal and vicious enough.” He proposed criminalizing homosexual behavior in another 2010 blog post and has advocated forcing gays into “reparative” therapy. In a 2010 “action alert,” the AFA warned that if homosexuals are allowed to openly serve in the military, “your son or daughter may be forced to share military showers and barracks with active and open homosexuals.”

Note that the same Bryan Fischer who is blaming Wikileaks on the "gay agenda" is the same man who claimed homosexuals were responsible for Hitler and the Holocaust (in which, by the way, unknown thousands of homosexuals were murdered by -- the Nazis under Hitler). Class act, this Mr. Fischer and his organization, the AFA.

I can't wait for the new freshman Republican Congressional Representatives to sponsor their first wave anti-gay legislation (no doubt ghost written by people from the AFA and other anti-gay hate groups), can you? Good times, good times.

Discuss

Lolcats, cats and funny captions - GIF: Teh Mornin Trek 2 teh Coffee Pot.

Dear Tony,

My problem is both new, it never could have existed fifteen years ago, and timeless, representing the delicate balancing act between parent and child. Maybe you can help. I have grown children, young adults. They are way past teh age when i was threatened with being blocked if I dared to email, text or call. yes, as of this past year, they have even "friended" me. Well not all of them. Anyway, I find myself torn between wanting to show them I am very interested in their lives, which I am of course, without feeling like a lurker. I noticed that writing on a son's wall discontinues all peer discussion. I feel like I walked into the basement during a teen party. Just my presence inhibits all natural behavior. If you can tackle this issue, you can maybe write one for the ages. [Ed. Pun! Zing!] You could be the cross-generational social networking guru, a Dr. Spock, if you will. I appreciate that the internet is the great equalizer when it comes to physical appearance, age, social standing, and gender. But as we begin to share family comments and discussions with the public, creating a permanent internet record, well I think you will agree that we all need good advice from a sensitive, intuitive person.

Finding a Balance, Mindful Optimistic Mother

Dear FABMOM,

Thanks for the acronym and the letter. First off, maybe your kids would be more open to you if you didn't call yourself fab. And sensitive and intuitive? This is "Good Advice From a Bad Person" not "Dear Abby." I am here to drop truth bombs, not coddle. So, advise you I will.

Now, on to my advice.

Wait. I can't do this. I have a confession to make.

This letter is from my mom. It's about my Facebook. How meta. A few weeks back, at dinner, my mom and sister were gossiping along, as they do. Through my half ignoring their chit-chat, I hear my mom mention her Facebook page. I'm slightly aghast, as we all are when we find out our parents have taken the plunge into social networking. I ask about it. My sister chimes in, "Yep, and she friended me." So, not only does my mom have a profile, but she friended my sister and not me. I am half glad and half insulted. For the sake of comedy and building up ever-useful guilt points with my mom, I emphasize the latter in the ensuing conversation.

In a move I can only imagine was inspired by the guilt only a mother can know, my mom requests to be my friend a few days later. Of course I ignore it. Take that, Mom! With more than slight hesitation, I confirm her a week later. Do I have to edit out the F words from my status updates? I probably can't link to some of the hilarious, and definitely NSFP pages I would normally. Will she ask about every girl that comments on my profile? I certainly need to rein in the emo status updates (I should probably do this anyway.) What's done is done. My mom is my Facebook friend.

Mere days after I confirmed her, the party-stopping comment she mentioned in her letter happened. My car was in the shop, so I borrowed hers. I posted a status update promising a night of un-dead debauchery, as I was on my way to the Misfits cover band Halloween show. A few comments trickle in, including one from her: "In my car?" Knowing my mom, this is hilarious. To my friends though, it just seems like a worrying, maternal, preemptive tsk-tsking. It was the last comment in the thread.

Ok.

Dear Mom,

I love you. Thanks for the letter. I am sorry it seemed like my friends scattered when you (NARC!) showed up. I am sure you had as much trepidation about friending your children as I did confirming you. Such is life. Most of my friends know you, and know how awesome you are. Worry about me, and what I'll think of the comments, and not them. I thought your comment was funny. Success.

It's a little awkward bringing our familial relationship into the world of peer-level relationships. As long as you don't try to be "cool mom," I think we'll be fine. I, for one, interact with people on Facebook the way I interact with them in real life. We are friends, so why not be internet friends too? Don't worry about my friends scattering; haters gonna hate mom, haters gonna hate.

Just promise you won't ask me too many questions about the girls commenting on my profile or make fun of one of my status updates. Ok, you're going to make fun of my status updates (I love my family), just keep the gossiping with my sister. All in all, social networking should be an extension of real-world networking. For some parents, this would obviously rule out being official internet friends. I am lucky that I have a family that I am comfortable and willing to be friends with. Actual friends. Not just internet friends.

Good luck friending Hughie.

I hope this helps,
Tony

If you need Good Advice, even if you're not his mom, write to Tony.

Fetch is really not this goggie's forte.Thanks to: youtube.com/benxhamiltonFor more funny dogs visit http://ihasahotdog.com

By cheezburger

Tags : Fetch?, I'z, cute, dog, in, mood..., nawt, puppy, teh

teh real problem may be with the not-exactly ideal form
of "E = mcc," which is funny, because herr doktor-professor E.,
first used "A= mcc," from the German "arbeit" or work
-- perhaps not too correctly -- but
I'm just referring to the algebra. anyway, note that
it is a bit of an amendation to Liebniz's *vis viva* of kinetic

While half the world attacks the U.S. for trying to devalue the dollar, what's funny is that there still isn't any proof that that the U.S. is doing so. The dollar index (Bloomberg: DXY) is actually at about the level it was two years ago, and higher then the lows of 2008.

On a five-year view, as shown below it's clear that the dollar actually fell in value relative to other currencies before the financial crisis, not afterward.

Thus if anything is to blame for the falling value of teh dollar, it's the policies and environment ahead of the crisis. Since the crisis, despite the radical monetary policies of the U.S., the dollar has actually maintained its value. So why do so many feel like the dollar is being devalued relative to the world? Probably because we've had a lot of volatility in the dollar index over the last two years, and in politics our memories are usually just about six months long at best. Thus the recent dollar dive is stuck in the global conscious, yet the previous dollar ascent in the beginning of 2010 has been mostly forgotten.

Join the conversation about this story »

This might be old news as I was away from teh innerbutz for a few weeks ... Who ever sent that package to the Social Security office, they may want to reconsider his or her disability claim ...

Bomb Squad Diffuses Kitten Bomb

Bomb Squad Diffuses Kitten Bomb - watch more funny videos

Being a bomb squad technician is a tough job except for the day you get a call about a suspicious package and find a box of kittens instead. Crisis averted!

I figure I get a chance now and then to be po-mouthed, right? Considering how well things have gone, and how on the right side of all the statistics I've been, and (overall) how little screeching and yelling I've done about this, I can be grouchy. Right?

[quote user="Jake"]

bL00D aND GLoRY:
calling bands like bmth and whitechapel screamo makes you dumb and oblivious

BMTH and WHITECHAPEL ARE TEH REEL METUHLZ MAN KEEP IT REAL BRO.

Excuse me while I go repaint my lips and straiten my hair.[/quote] ha ha haaa thats funny as hell I saw that dude's pic too

We talked first day and I added her a couple weeks later on fb, but she deletes me after 5 weeks. we have made brief eye contact or I look at her she will look away. the next time after she deletes me she was giving me several looks out of the corner of her eye. the next day we were in a small group and I the leader. I say we are going to plan a party. she makes a teh noise. then I ask her where the party should be? she said "I don't know." in a cute shy voice. another assignment we had was parking. I was talking to another other girl about walking. Brit says "We are not going to walk from Grand." in a flirty smily tone leaning forward. It seemed she was keeping her eyes a little down cast too. last week we all waited around for a few minutes. she was standing against the wall with her body angled toward me and arms crossed. again I saw the same thing with her eyes. when I was outside I was talking to this lady and Brit looked briefly at me from a distance. Tuesday I left to get a drink. I glanced behind me and she looked away. We had small groups to do a skit about goldielox. we decided our parts, and she tells me "you can be goldielox." in a joking way smiling. I said something funny she laughs (not hysterically), but continues laughing under her breath. today I was in the parking lot and she looked at me longer then usual and she turns her head away. I have heard that she had a tough relationship that lasted her senior year of H.S. could that maybe lead to why she acts like this?

The good people of Teh Internet are writing funny travel reviews for Mount Everest. Here’s my favorite so far: No valet service and the sherpas barely spoke any English. At the link, click on “reviews” to see them all. Link via reddit

[quote user="jeremiah"] did any one else get an email out of this? funny stuff.



listen here mother fucker you dont know shit about me u fucken cock sucker i fucken droped out of fucken school cuz music is my fucken life and ur probly some fucken fagg who fucks his mom and dad at the smae time
[/quote] are you talking bout dropping the soap in teh shower like we did it last time?

Michelle Sagara has written some very fine posts about promoting oneself online as a writer: Part One, Part Two, and Part Three. In a nutshell, don’t be an ass and don’t expect to develop a Scalzi-like following without a decade of hard work put into it. Only she says it better, so you should go read what she said while I investigate my navel.

I freely admit to envy over Scalzi’s followers. I also clearly haven’t got a *clue* how to get that kind of following, since I’ve been keeping an online journal since long before ‘blog’ was a word, and I think at most there are maybe a couple thousand people reading this. (Which is actually sort of mind-boggling, but it’s not the fifty thousand or so that hit Whatever daily.) Michelle rightfully points out that starting a blog with the purpose of getting 50K readers is probably useless, because then you’re doing it for the end game, whereas Scalzi built Whatever out of love of the job. Which is also why I blog (that, and because I kept seeing friends I hadn’t seen in months. We’d say to each other, “What’ve you been up to?” and “Oh, not much,” seemed like a ridiculous answer, so I started keeping a journal so they’d know what I was up to, if they cared to read.)–but that’s what my ‘blog’ is: a journal which more or less recounts the days of my life. That is, indeed, what most people’s blogs are, although I tend to think of those as journals because in my mind blogs have a specific focus or purpose or topic.

And really, I don’t have any idea why I know some writers who have thousands of LJ followers (I mean, ursulav, yeah, I get that: you come for the art, you stay for the hysterically bizarre weft and weave of her life, or sarahtales, who pens outrageously funny write-ups of the absurdities she gets up to, but there are others who, as far as I can tell, heap abuse upon their readership and people line up for more), and others who have at most a few or several hundred followers despite being a friendly, cheerful public persona.

There are days–more than I care to admit, perhaps, although it’s not like it keeps me up at night–when this bothers me. Partly because of the popularity contest aspect of it, I suppose, but just as much because it leaves me with this uncomfortable feeling that I’m doing something wrong. That I ought, somehow, to be doing something else, something better, something wittier, something cleverer, in order to draw more readers to the blog. Except this is just my life, and it’s not that exciting or strange, and I’m not clever enough to make it seem like it is.

There. This is my version of writer neuroticism, displayed for all to see on teh intarwebs. And it’s just not dramatic enough, is it? A few years ago somebody said “Your picture makes you look like some kind of broody cyberpunk goth chick, but really you’re just really wholesome and nice, aren’t you?!” (It must be noted this was said with relief, although it did sort of feel like a double-edged sword. :)) And I am, but as the reality-TV episode of Doctor Who said, “Does this seem like a world where the audience is going to vote to keep the nice girl in the house?” So I quite doubt I’ll ever get much beyond the nice-girl level of blog readership, and I will continue to be vaguely neurotic about it, but I promise not to do so in public again.

Or maybe I should. :)

(x-posted from the essential kit)

Lolcats, cats and funny captions - Cyoot Kitteh of teh Day: Ur Coffee Tabul iz Nao Ur Kitteh Tabul.

Is this cartoon, about the purity contests in academia. There's a lot of truth in that, though it used to be called math or physics envy. Most social sciences really really want to be viewed as hard, too. I leave the connotations about that to you, m...

Well, that was something, wasn't it?

Before I go on to do my quick-and-dirty analysis, I'd like to give a shout out to Peyton Manning.  He is an absolute wizard on the football field, and if he didn't play for the Colts, we'd all be talking about how amazing he is.  

Now then.  On to the game.

If I had told you before this game that the magic crystal ball had revealed that Manning would throw for 400+ yards and three scores while teh Schaub only went for 107 (with Dre only going for 33 yards) I'm sure you would have rolled your eyes and said something like, "f&^%ing Texans" or "fire Kubiak" or something like that.

Funny how things turn out sometimes, innit?

Let the Daddy Mack take you across the jump.

Let me be clear about this.  The Texans just fuckstomped the Colts.  Badly.  If it weren't for Peyton Manning, the Colts might not have scored a single point.  I don't know if any other qb in the league could have put up those kinds of numbers in the face of that kind of heat.

To start with, the Texans dominated the line of scrimmage.  On both sides of the ball.  Maybe it was a little more apparent on the offensive side of the ball, but make no mistake, our defensive line showed up bigger than sixteen-year old's junk on a nude beach.  They managed to harass Manning all day long, forcing him to throw from uncomfortable angles and they hit him a bunch.  Mario had a huge game and has now sacked Manning more than any other person in the history of mankind.  Shame we didn't draft Reggie Bush, huh?

Give Amobi credit where it is due as well - he didn't notch any sacks, but he got upfield in a hurry and (without doing a detailed analysis) he seemed pretty good in the run game as well.

Kareem Jackson played a pretty good game, considering it was his first pro start and he was facing one of the best quarterbacks in history.  Zack Diles and DeMeco Ryans were solid, although I still worry about people trying to make too many arm tackles back there.  For now, those of us who doubted Bill Kollar and Frank Bush (a group in which I include myself) have been served a pretty steamy dose of shut-the-hell-up.  

And Kubiak? Oh, Kubiak.  Even a skeptic like myself must give you credit for doing things like calling time out when it looked like the Colts might sneak an onside kick to Viniateri.  So I'll lay off you today Gary, like I laid off your momma the other night.  Burn!

On offense, what can I say?  Perhaps our o-line isn't as bad as we thought.  The Colts' d-line just walked into a back-alley mugging and came out stripped down to their boxers and with ladies makeup on.  Perhaps also, a few key subtractions (Alex Gibbs, Steve Slaton, Kasey Studdard) and a few key additions (Rick Dennison, Socrates the Pterodactyl) make for a big difference.  It also didn't hurt that Glass Joe Barbaro Bob Sanders didn't play much, but still.  This is a very good professional football team (that, according to Colts partisans, was as healthy as it has ever been) that just got beaten upside the head with an eight ball in a sock to the point where it gave up.  That's right.  The defending AFC champs, Super Bowl runners-up, just gave up.  Because they got the ever-living shit kicked out of them.  By the Texans.  The Houston Texans.

Let that sink in for a while, sports fans.

Really, I can only think of three drawbacks to this game:

-AJ and Jacoby dropped some balls

-Matt Schaub with another stupid pick

-Connor Barwin's injury

But don't let that get you down, friends.  Our boys did something they've always threatened to do but never really managed to pull off.  They beat the tar out of a very good team.  

This is going to be a fun season to watch, y'all.

The Auld Soldier had an Auld Cat, hight Damncat, who now resides at Castle Argghhh! He has a snaggletooth, which from time to time gives him an interesting mien that I finally caught on camera today. This may become a feature during this election cycle, if I can keep the Muse of Teh Funny. Of course, the commentariat may submit ideas, via email, so as to not give all the good ones away in comments!...

Dead Rising 2: Case Zero has a lot of fun (and funny) weapons, but there's no topping the moose head, in my mind. The electric rake and dual-chainsaw paddle thing tie for second place.

We learned about the supposedly magical new Xbox 360 controller, heard the release dates for a lot of great Xbox LIVE Arcade titles, talked about a certain puffball who is made of string, had a triple-attack of reviews, and some other stuff happened on 8/31/10.

Destructoid Originals:
Destructoid's community meetup plans for PAX Prime 10!
The ten worst videogame haircuts EVER!
Teh Bias: Blog recap

Reviews:
Review: Ufouria: The Saga
Review: Valkyria Chronicles II
Review: Dead Rising 2: Case Zero

Contests:
We're giving away 4 Samsung Galaxy S Epic phones!

News:
Rumor: Microsoft may be making a better directional pad
Amazon has Wii deals all day long
Super Meat Boy releasing on XBLA October 20th
Puzzle Quest 2 coming to PSP
Mafia II 'Jimmy's Vendetta' coming September 7
Dodonpachi Resurrection on the iPhone: 30k in 4 days
EA defends online pass plan
Yakuza PSP demo for you, not just Japan
Xbox 360 D-Pad redesign confirmed
New Split/Second content, paid and free, hits this week
EEDAR: Xbox Live price hike is 'incredible value'
Smackdown 2011 pre-order incentives make their entrance
Free App of the Day: Spark It Up
Professor Layton's men vs women San Francisco challenge
Kirby's Epic Yarn inspired by stop-motion movie
Ubisoft: Only triple-A games are profitable
Pirate-y 'Barnacle Bay' content for Sims 3 announced
Microsoft: Kinect is as fast as pushing a button
Medal of Honor undermines the values of New Zealand
Kirby's Epic Yarn designed to 'appeal to everyone'
Ubisoft teasing something with film poster knock-offs
PS3 exclusive Malicious looks pretty damn sexy
AMD kills the ATI name for their cards and chips
Pinball FX 2 releasing in October as a free download
Ghost of Sparta special edition PSP isn't a PSPgo
Wii Balance Board supported massage game Love Press++
Battlefield: Bad Company 2 Ultimate Edition detailed
Comic Jumper, Hydrophobia, and more dated, priced
UNICO touts it ruins Mafia II party, doesn't really
Twisted Pixel at PAX: Ukulele performances, prizes, more
Dave Mustaine brings 'ass kicking' to Guitar Hero
Pachter: Xbox Live to get $100 Platinum service

Offbeat:
Wii remote vibrating sex aids: It had to happen
Dead Rising 2's Chuck Greene: Father of the Year
11-year-old's Mario collection is bigger than yours

Media:
Cabela's North American Adventures actually looks great
Hothead tells us what it's like to be a game developer
Video, more images of Kinect beta experience leaks

_{[For his Monthly Musing, mgspada tells us about the bias he had for Rare games, and how they finally lost his support. -- JRo]}

I wouldn’t typically consider myself a biased person. For the last three console generations, I’ve owned every console there is because I love video games. I can point out the positives and negatives in any console, past or present. I will defend when necessary, and strike when necessary. I can see both sides of every gaming issue, and have always been fair and balanced in my opinions.

Except with Rare.

Or should I say, until recently. Ever since I first played Banjo-Kazooie on the Nintendo 64, I’ve been madly in love with Rare. And even through their rough years when Microsoft first acquired them I defended them vehemently. But for someone to truly overcome bias and see the other side, be it light or dark, that person really needs a slap in the face. Well, consider my face slapped. Read on to find out the tragedy that is my love affair with Rare.

I can still remember the day back in 1997 or 1998, picking up an issue of EGM with Banjo and Kazooie on the front at my local Stop & Shop. I begged and pleaded for my mother to add it to our groceries as I did with just about every gaming magazine, and thankfully, she did. I read the issue cover to cover, but it was their feature on Banjo-Kazooie that took my breath away. I was 10 or 11 at the time, fresh off Super Mario 64, and was looking for something new to blow me out of the water. I found it. I couldn’t believe it: huge, open worlds, gorgeous graphics, funny and bizarre characters, out-there objectives; Mario was being dethroned! I saved up every cent of my allowance and pre-ordered the game at KB Toys. I can still feel the heat of the summer day when I went to pick it up and man, I did not put that game down.

After that, of course, was Banjo-Tooie in 2000, and I was hit with Stop ‘N’ Swop fever. Hitting up GameFAQs boards (shudder), becoming a member of the Rare Witch Project, and pointing out every weird thing that I noticed, I was hooked. The mystery and allure of this abandoned feature kept me playing and exploring those games far longer than I should have.

Banjo games aside, the N64 Era was all about Rare for me. Diddy Kong Racing, GoldenEye, Perfect Dark, Conker’s Bad Fur Day, even the lesser-known but still spectacular Blast Corps and Jet Force Gemini. I may have been young, but I was starting to recognize that golden R more and more at the start of many of the games that I loved. I even retroactively noticed them as part of my back catalog, realizing long after the fact that the folks at Rare were the masterminds behind the Donkey Kong Country series. Rare could do no wrong!



Then the unthinkable happened. Nintendo sold Rare to Microsoft. A Nintendo fanboy at the time, I was unbelievably pissed off. How dare they! Banjo and Conker and Joanna! They would be horrible on Microsoft’s console! Of course it wasn’t long after that I realized how stupid that sounded, but at the tender age of 16, having just been blown away by Rare’s brilliant Star Fox Adventures for the GameCube, I saw it as the end of the world.

So with Microsoft’s hands controlling Rare like a marionette, we saw a whopping two releases from them on the original Xbox. And that’s where the general public lost faith in Rare. But not me. Their previous games were so amazing that, by that logic, Grabbed by the Ghoulies and Conker: Live and Reloaded were among the greatest games of all time. I convinced myself that Ghoulies was a great game (and honestly, it was never THAT bad), and that I was blown away by Live and Reloaded’s updated visuals and enhanced multiplayer (I still play that version over the original). I convinced myself based on nothing but the games that Rare had made prior to those titles, not on the titles themselves. TEH BIAS was growing!



Then came the Xbox 360. Then came the shaking of my faith. These… these are still good games, right? Rare still knows how to make a good game, right?! Guys? Anyone? I have snacks! Perfect Dark Zero was lackluster but I convinced myself it was the launch rush. Kameo was alright at best, but I was certain that it was because no game comes out of development hell unscathed. Viva Pinata, I still say, is a terrific game, but it still didn’t feel 100% Rare to me. Overall, though, their 360 efforts were nothing to be proud of. Still, however, I convinced myself over and over again that they still had that magical touch. I just so badly for them to still be the same game developers that brought me such amazing memories back in the 64-bit era. But then came the ultimate test:

Banjo-Kazooie: Nuts & Bolts.

The third official entry in my all-time favorite video game series. The next-gen follow-up that would blow my mind. After a few duds that weren’t duds in my delusional and biased mind, could Rare pick themselves up and brush themselves off, and blow me away with another Banjo title?

Eh.

In all honesty, it’s not a terrible game. I’d even say that it’s a good game. Absolutely gorgeous, a stunning soundtrack, sharp writing, and the vehicle building mechanic is solid. But it just didn’t do the trick for me, then or now. I understand the need to go in a new direction. But why not do that AFTER showing us what a real Banjo game would look like with these visuals? Just one more romp through Spiral Mountain performing Flip-Flaps and Talon Trots and Beak Busters. One more game full of amazing, lush worlds, ripe for exploration, with googly-eyed characters that had funny names and weird voices. Considering how ugly Nintendo 64 graphics look today, we NEEDED that next-gen boost to a traditional Banjo game before they went off doing anything crazy.

Instead, we got a game where you build vehicles and, for the most part, race them. There were many non-racing objectives, sure, but there’s just only so much you can do with vehicles. The level design left so much to be desired. It was wide-open and mechanical, unlike the expansive but packed natural worlds full of charm that the previous games had done so well. The only characters in the each level were characters from previous games, in lame costumes to fit the theme of the level. No level-exclusive characters. Where was my Clanker? Where was my Chris P. Bacon? God damn it, where was my Snorkel?! Why couldn’t Logbox 720 feature a lost IT snake asking me to fetch computer parts, and why couldn’t the Jiggoseum have a 'roided up bull asking me for an added boost in his race? The worlds were so desolate! And the enemies were robotic balls! Where are my Mayan cats and weird goblins and angry slot machines? So much cleverness was taken away, and so much blandness and genericness inhabited what was once an incredibly hilarious and magical world. Why couldn’t Nutty Acres have angry squirrels attacking your vehicles, why couldn’t the Terrarium of Terror have evil Venus fly traps that would chew off random pieces of your car?



Since I still enjoyed the game, though, I figured, alright. That’s done. They did their different game. Now it’s time to get back into things. Back to the magic. You showed us you can do something new and exciting, now it’s time to take what made Banjo great and expand upon it instead of drastically changing it. You’re climbing out of the slump, just one or two more games, Rare, and I’m back in love. I won’t have to look like a fool for defending you for too much longer.

Oh. Hi, Kinect Sports.

And now I’m done with Rare. Their final foray into fun and inventive games was a moderate success at best, and now they’re jumping head-first into the shitty, generic casual market. Their website even says, “Right now our main focus is on motion-controlled sporting glory.” They’re done with traditional games. Out. My faith is lost. It’s shattered. I’m depressed. Right up until Nuts & Bolts, I could defend them as an amazing company that’s just in a bit of a rut that they’re climbing out of. I would have their back no matter what. Through Ghoulies, through Kameo. And after all that, they just go and make a poor man’s Wii Sports. To add insult to injury, when MundoRare, a brilliant fan site that still defended Rare just as much as myself, gets shut down when they try to do something positive and showcase that Rare’s excellence is still in tact, well, you can see the proof right in front of you. They’re all done. It’s over.

The moral of the story is that bias can make you defend horrible, awful things, but you can only do it for so long. Anyone with even a quarter of a brain has to snap out of their bias sooner or later. People need to realize when enough is enough, when to throw in the towel and say there’s nothing more you can do. It’s like the defense attorney with a client that has evidence piling up, and then they go ahead and murder the judge right in front of the jury. You can only defend something for so long before you, too, start to look ridiculous.

You can blame Microsoft, you can blame Rare, you can blame the current climate of games. But what it all comes down to is that the company I once knew and loved, the company I put my reputation as a gamer on the line for, is no more, and I can no longer defend it. Rare has given me so many amazing gaming moments, and for that I thank them. But now, with a heavy heart, I must simply tell Rare: fuck off.

…but if they came out with a Kinect-only Banjo game I’d probably still get it.

God damn it.

The Daily Show on how the Fox News is funding the sinister mosque project in NYC. Well sorta funding.

It's no secret that I'm not a fan of the AJ-as-a-hubris-laden-jerk meme, it really has staying power though (maybe not-so-much around here lately).

via media.signonsandiego.com

It's been a hectic off-season in the five months since John's AJ Smith Approval Rating story.  We watched on in quiet, mournful, agreement as the Chargers cut a pair of team legends in LT and Jamal Williams.  We were excited to learn that the weird CBA changes would help the Chargers retain some of their otherwise un-restricted top talent, only to have most of that top talent turn the process into an aggravating circus.  We warned Antonio Cromartie to not let the door hit his contact-avoiding ass on the way out the door (update: he dodged it like a pro), and wept as Charlie Clipboard's flowing locks got their chance to shine in Seattle.  Then there was also something about a draft and some guy who plays World of Warcraft.  Most recently, AJ quietly signed all his picks with zero drama and locked up the best Tight End in football for another 5 years. 

237 people voted disapprove in the AJ Smith Approval Rating vote on March 3, 2010.  I'd like to hear from you guys.  Do you still disapprove?  How so?  I've got the case for AJ Smith.

Exhibit A: Depth

1. Wonko's Initial Roster Analysis.  Look at the depth on this team!!  Line them up 3 deep and let them compete.  If you have followed this team for the past couple years and agree with Wonko's numbers, there are probably names of at least three guys in his article that you love, but will not make this roster.  Everyone has a WR or DL or a LB they think could be a potential starter someday who is going to wind up getting cut.  Add Shawne Merriman (done deal), Marcus McNeil (probable/hopeful), and Vincent Jackson(doubtful) to that depth chart and the cuts get painful, all the more revealing of the depth on this team.
2. The 2009 season.  This team got eviscerated by more than its fair share of the injury bug last season.  Both our offensive and defensive lines were obliterated by injury starting with the Raiders in week 1, yet we still posted a 13-3 record against a fairly difficult schedule, earning a wildcard bye.  Here is the list of players that went on the IR last year: Jamal Williams, Antawn Applewhite, Jyles Tucker, Jeromy Clary, Ogemdi Nwagbuo, Scott Mruckowski, and Ryon Bingham.  Other Major Injuries hit Nick Hardwick (13 games) Shawne Merriman (in and out of the lineup all season), Louis Vasquez (2 games) , LT (2 games) Kevin Burnett (5 games), Weddle (2 games), Ryan Leaf (lost season in jail for pill popping)

Exhibit B: Track Record

The San Diego Chargers are the class of the AFC West.  We have won the division the last four years straight, and 5 of the last 6.  The Chargers have been 46-18 over the last four years; only the Colts and Patriots have been better than that during that time.  Here's to adding two more wins to our Raider domination streak this year.

Exhibit C: Consistent applied philosophy

AJ has a very firm set of principles he follows; build through the draft, build from within by rewarding your players, limit the use of free agency, and lean towards younger slightly less talented players at dramatic cost savings.  He sticks to this and it works.  Check out this article on the worst 10 contracts of all time.  You will never see the San Diego Chargers on this kind of a list.  AJ never overpays, which preserves whatever the budget (usually a salary cap but not this year) is to build and preserve the aforementioned depth.  This isn't to say that AJ is cheap; witness the lucrative contracts for Philip Rivers and Antonio Gates.

Exhibit D: The Draft Record

People love to call the drafting of CBD a whiff, and English redundant.  I would point out that Buster has had some incredible players in front of him.  English played a lot last year, and now affords AJ the luxury of sticking it to Merriman in this RFA tender funny business.  This season is put up or shut up time for these two.  I don't need to re hash how many pro bowlers AJ has drafted, or how many UDFAs have become legitimate NFL quality starters and contributors.

This latest draft by AJ saw a lot more wheeling and dealing than usual.  I'm not sure how much of this had to do with the new three night format.  AJ was moving up, down, and sideways to get the guys he had his heart set on this year, without any Beathard-like mortgaging of the future (We're actually on the plus side with an extra 2nd round pick next year).

The latest AJ Smith #1 pick is already catching 50 balls from a machine after every practice to work on his receiving skills.  The future couldn't look brighter for this kid with his talent and work ethic.

Exhibit E: The firing of Marty Shottenheimer and subsequent hiring of Norv Turner

I had a lot of ancient history here, and was going to strike the whole topic except for this nugget: the thought of Marty calling the plays during the decline of LT makes me shudder.

Avenues of attack

As much as AJ prefers character guys and loathes "teh dramaz", we still have had linebackers in a disturbing variety of different court situations, a prima donna DUI suspended license flag kicking holdout WR, a DUI Nose Tackle, a stalker marrying WR, and a DB with 7 kids from 6 women in 5 states.

I think AJ is just as upset as you are about all of this.  The cutting of Jamal Williams and Chris Chambers, shipping of Cro, and minimum compliance offers to VJ and Merriman show this.

AJ drafted so-and-so, and HE was a colossal bust.

Cherry picking draft misses is pretty easy, especially when the team is so successful and is consistenly slotted in the bottom half of the draft.  (We should probably avoid this topic alltogether or John will start openly weeping about the loss of Gartrell Johnson)

The lack of Super Bowl appearances (let alone wins) is tantamount to failure for the amount of talent this team has.

I don't buy this.  First of all, who is responsible for the "amount of talent this team has?"  Secondly, our playoff woes have been a ridiculous collection of maddening injuries, incredibly bad luck, a disturbing lack of 'clutch', and some generally freak stuff.  Even with all that, the playoff losses we've had have STILL been really close games.  AJ can't keep the toes from breaking or the kicks from flying wide.  Winning in the playoffs usually takes some playoff experience.  At least we have that in spades now.  I'd much rather be angsty about playoff losses than  wondering if my team can crack 8-8 this year.

He cut the greatest charger of all time

As hard as it is to say, if anything, AJ gave LT one year too many.  Giving him a chance to re-negotiate for one final fun at a San Diego Superbowl in a diminished role probably actually hurt the team's offense a bit.  He then cut him quickly and respectfully, giving him a chance to catch on elsewhere.

Oh and just 'cause, here's the other Ryan Mathews WoW joke pic I have...

Via: Giffidy Gif Gifs

In case u missed teh orijinal video feetshurin dis kitteh, click here to watch!

Tongues haz sew many grate uses:

TONGUE
Works for eating, cleaning and funny faces

Picture by: Moyz Caption by: dunno source via Poster Builder

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Besides the skyscrapers (not so interesting for the local, but serving as a good opportunity for visitors to take photo as background), the most charming characters of the city of Shanghai is its streets.

The streets in the old French Concession was lined by Phoenix trees, and villas. The villas are typically larger than those in the Silicon Valley, and walled by bricks, and high raised fences above it. There are many buildings along the edge of the streets, and you walk besides the window of the kitchen or leaving room of the residents of the building - a very unique experience only in Shanghai.

In strong contrast with the crowded, and over populated downtown Shanghai, the area at the heart of the downtown is very quiet, and lack of pedestrian. You will enjoy the lonely walk in the cave formed by the Phoenix trees for half an hour to two hours (depending how carefully you design your route) without getting back to the noisy Shanghai.

At night, if you walk along the roads near the West Fuxing Road, especially the Wu Yuan Road 五原路, you will be scared - it is just like walking in a old town with big houses that is completely dark, and there is no street lights in the lanes. That is quite a surprise . In some of the gardens, I often see people feed hens, or grow vegetables in their own place. That is maybe the most luxurious thing we can think of in this world: the house and the land can easily worth several billion RMB. That is also the funny part of this city: the residents in these most expensive, and well designed villa are often among the poorest in the city. They don't own the house (the government owns it), but they have the rights to live there, and transfer their rights of continuing living there to their children.

The best way to explorer there streets are by walking. The area is very walkable, and surrounded by many metro atations. If it is raining, even better! The sounds on the leaves of the trees are more pleasant than orchestra. At night? It is also good time to visit, since some of the bars started to turn their lights, and open to customers. Unlike the highly restrictive building code in California, the bars, and teh residential areas, and other business facilities are mixed. So you may need to walk for few minutes to find another one.

Comparing to the street of San Francisco, I enjoy walking in Shanghai better, just because of the same reason I love San Francisco - the diversity of the buildings along the streets. They are of so many different styles from different countries. You must have a pen and a sketch book in hand to capture the moments when you encounter a Spanish window, or a French courtyard.

O hai Cheez Frends! Need sumfing to do on Friday nite? Well go see Dinner For Schmucks starring funneh men Steve Carrell and Paul Rudd, and you will laff ur head off. Ur kitteh will be jealous that he couldn’t join in on the fun.

[quote user="cydness 2.0"]

Levi:
Its funny that myspace is rolling out these new changes to entice people back from facebook but all its doing is driving more away. Who the hell does their consumer testing, they should be fired.

After being beaten half to death.

I always figgered MySpace would just fade in to the shadows... looks like they will go out by suicide, eh...[/quote] or maybe this is all part of the master plan to RID myspace of all kiddies!!!! take away options to custom CSS and advert hiding, EXTERMINATE all kiddies from teh space and then move to 4.0 with custom CSS options turned back on! LOL

Comedian Jim Osako talks about Wii Fit

I won't mince words here: there are few players whose games bug me more than Al Harrington's. I guess there's something about perimeter forwards who shoot nearly every time they get the ball, don't defend, don't rebound and don't drive much that rubs me the wrong way.

But as one of the many LeBron James haters on the Internet, I had to crack up when I saw this line on Harrington's Twitter just hours after reports indicated he signed a five-year $33.4 million contract with the Denver Nuggets. 

Yo my Tweeples. Appreciate the Love and Concern. But I'm taking my Talents to the MILE HIGH. Lol. Love Yall Lego DENVER!! Brett Meeny THX!    

I congratulate Harrington on making fun of LeBron before everyone inevitably does it and ruins the joke. The sense of timing is simply perfect. It won't be nearly as funny when Nate Robinson jokes that he's taking his talents to BAWSTON TEH BEST SPAHTS CITY EVAH (#wordaapp)! 

A bunch of Shakers have emailed me about one of the new sitcoms that NBC will be debuting this fall. Titled Outsourced, it's about a white dude from the US whose call center gets outsourced to India, so he has to move there and colonizemanage the outsourced call center:


[Full transcript below.]
Wow. Just…wow. How many Indian stereotypes can we jam into one four-and-a-half-minute clip? Indian traffic/culture is teh crazy—check. Indian names are unpronounceable—check. Indian names are funny—check. Indian clothes are weird—check. Indian women are submissive—check. Indian women are naively sexy—check. Indian men are silly and awkward—check. Indian men are conniving (and sinister!)—check. Indian people are clueless about Western culture—check. Indian people are literal and humorless—check. Indian food is awful—check. Indian food is too spicy for white people to handle—check. Indian food makes you poop!—check. And last but not least: Indian people really need a WHITE MAN to sort them out—CHECKITY-CHECK-CHECK!

And, let me guess: This heaping fuckload of racism is supposed to be okay, because the straight white male protagonist learns a thing or two about life and love and what it means to be human from these noble brown people, too!

All I can say is:


I mean, seriously, NBC? Seriously, this is the best you can do in the year two thousand and fucking ten? This is shameful. And that the whole thing is set to a backdrop of USian nationalism by way of "Ignorant American" stereotypes and jingoistic sloganeering on novelty products, in the middle of a recession, during the highest unemployment in a generation, while desperate and unkind people are dangerously pissed about outsourcing and immigration and any other vague sense that brown people are taking white USians' rightful jobs, just makes it that much worse.

Fail on a massive scale.

[A young white man named Todd walks into a call center which is deserted, except for a middle-aged white man at the other end of the room, who is named Jerry. He is standing under a company sign reading "Mid America Novelties."]

Jerry: Todd! How was management training?

Todd: Um…where is everybody?

Jerry: We had to do a little right-sizing.

Todd: But there's no one here.

Jerry: Exactly! That's what makes us the right size! Yesterday, we outsourced the entire call center t India.

[Todd looks confused, then startled as they are interrupted by the sound of shattering glass. A brick has been thrown through the window with a note tied to it. Todd picks it up and looks at the note.]

Todd: "You bastard"…?

Jerry: Ah! That's for me. [He takes the brick, reads the note and chuckles, then tosses it onto a pile of similar bricks next to his desk.]

Todd: Jerry! Jerry, I—I went through training specifically to run the call center.

Jerry: We still want you to run the call center. In India!

[Todd laughs, then his face drops as he realizes Jerry is serious. Cut to Todd riding in a cycle taxi in India, looking out at the traffic with a mixture of excitement and fright. He comments to his companion, a middle-aged Indian man, that the traffic is "insane."]

Male Voiceover: In the world of call center management, Todd Dempsey had reached the end of the line.

Todd: It's like Frogger, but with real people!

[Cut to Todd and his companion, who I'll call Manager, walking into a call center filled with Indian women and men. Manager claps his hands to get everyone's attention.]

Manager: Come now—you are meant to work, not sit around doing chit-chat!

[Paraphrase of the next section: Todd is seen introducing himself to many of his new Indian colleagues. He doesn't understand Marminder's name; he bows awkwardly at a woman who isn't named; Madhuri speaks so quietly he cannot hear her—she is so shy and exotic!—he is deeply amused by Manmeet's name: "Your name is Manmeet? It must be hard to chat on the internet with a name like Manmeet!"]

Male Voiceover: And for one of America's largest novelty companies, it was the perfect fit.

[Quick montage of novelties: Female employee is looking at the Mid America Novelties catalog, on the cover of which is "the Fanny Bank," where coins are deposited via buttcrack; Manager drinks out a toilet-shaped coffee mug; Todd puts a "cheesehead" hat on and the employees laugh.]

Todd: Let's not make fun of each other's head gear, all right? I mean, you guys have got some pretty crazy-looking hats yourselves. [A Sikh man wearing a dastar gets up and walks out, glowering at Todd.] Mostly on the women, though. [Cut to a Muslim woman wearing a hijab throwing Todd a WTF face.]

[Cut to a male and a female employee looking confused while standing on either side of an animatronic deer head singing "Home on the Range." Cut to a male employee standing with an animatronic dog humping his leg. "I've always wanted a pet! Bad dog!" he says, laughing. Cut to several quick shots of various employees wearing headsets, looking inept. Todd watches over the room, looking concerned. Cut to Manmeet on the phone with a customer, giving him the confirmation number to his order or something. He looks both competent and confident.]

Manmeet: That's 2, 5, 6, K as in Krishna, P as in Punjabi, R as in Ramayana.

Male Caller: Where am I calling? [Manmeets face falls.] Is this India?

Manmeet: [nervously] No.

Male Caller: [angrily] Am I calling FREAKING India to get a mug that says "America is #1"?!

Manmeet: [frantically, as Todd and Manager watch] No! We're in Detroit—city of motors and black people!

[The caller hangs up and Todd makes a pained face. Cut to an employee named Gupta on the phone with another customer.]

Gupta: If you like the beer helmet, we also have a t-shirt which says "Beer makes my clothes fall off." ... I'm wearing one right now! … No, you're a liar!

[Cut to Todd having a quiet conversation with Manager.]

Todd: Are these really the best workers that you could find?

Manager: Are you suggesting I hired lesser employees to make you look bad? [He says it in a way that suggests that's totally what he did, probably because Todd is taking his job.]

Todd: If I can't make this office work, they're gonna get rid of me.

[Manager gasps, trying to contain his glee; Todd is too stupid and/or up his own ass to notice. Cut to the cafeteria, where Todd is greeted by another white USian man. He sits down to have lunch with him.]

Charlie: [shaking Todd's hand] Charlie Davies. I run the call center for All-American Hunter. [He looks over at Todd's staff, who are eating together at another table. They are dressed in casual and/or traditional Indian clothes.] Looks like you got the B-team, my friend. They probably don't know squat about America. [He points to another table, where a group of Indian woman and men are dressed in business suits.] Now that's the A-team over there. They all work for the big boys, like Intel and Apple. They've all been in the States; they've even studied all our different accents.

Todd: No way!

Charlie: [gesturing to one of the men from the "A-team"] Hey, you—come here!

A-Teamer: Yes, what is it?

Charlie: You know what grits are?

A-Teamer: [in generic and broad Southern accent] Well, grits is just ground-up corn. I'll tell you what, my mama used'a make the best grits—

Charlie: All right.

A-Teamer: I'd be sittin' on the front porch with my hound dog, Freedom, sippin' on some sweet tea—

Charlie: All right, enough!

[Cut to Todd standing in front of all his employees at the call center. There is a map of the US behind him on the wall.]

Todd: Okay, it's time you guys learned about [he pauses and pulls out DVDs and CDs from behind his back] America.

[Paraphrase of the next section: Manmeet acts out a scene from Glengarry Glen Ross; the others applaud; Asha performs "It's Tricky" by Run DMC; Todd looks horny for her; Madhuri whispers something so quietly no one can hear her—she is so shy and exotic!—Gupta sings and dances "Don't You Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hot Like Me" by the Pussycat Dolls, which is not only funny and gross because he's a dude, but because he's fat! Everyone howls and tells him to stop.]

Male Voiceover: [over image of Todd looking at a cow out the window, which, btw, does not have horns, as an actual cow in India probably would] Coming to NBC…

[Cut back the cafeteria scene. Charlie gestures at Todd's food, which looks dreadfully unappealing and drab, no red vindaloos or golden kormas to be found.]

Charlie: You got the [?].

Todd: So?

Charlie: You hate your own ass? If you eat that, you'll be crapping yourself for five days. Five. Full. Days.

Male Voiceover: [over image of Todd holding up theJingle Jugs] Cultures will clash…

Todd: [grinning] This is Jingle Jugs!

Male Voiceover: [over image of blond white Australian woman approaching Todd and Charlie in the cafeteria] Romance will blossom…

Tonya: I'm Tonya. [She shakes Todd's hand and Asha looks on jealously from the other table]

Male Voiceover: [over image of Madhuri on phone, being all quiet and shy and exotic] And operators will be standing by!

Male Caller: [exasperated] Hello?! Hellooooo. Is anyone there?

Madhuri: [after glancing at Todd nervously, who gestures to her to take the call] How can I help you?

Caller: I'd like to order the fake dog poo.

Madhuri: Wonderful choice. [Todd looks on and grins, like a proud patriarch.]

Caller: Yeah, my roommate's really getting on my nerves, you know?

Madhuri: In that case, could I also interest you in our fake vomit, on page 23, lower lefthand of the page?

Caller: Does it look real?

Madhuri: Well, it makes me sick to look at it.

Caller: Mmm…okay! Yeah, sure, fine, why not? I'll get the vomit, too.

[Madhuri smiles; the others applaud, as if: A) They can hear the call; and B) She's not still on it; and C) The caller couldn't hear them applauding and cheering.]

Todd: I knew you could do it! I KNEW it!

[Cut to image of Todd giving a two-fisted thumbs-up and grinning like a dildobrain, next to the text: OUTSOURCED. Cut back to Madhuri on her call.]

Madhuri: Sir, how would you like to pay for your vomit and your poo?

[Cut to image of Manmeet wearing a big foam #1 hand next to the NBC logo.]